This is a work in progress, hopefully under 4000 words. Is this hook strong enough? As for a title, could I just call it Ice?

Suggested titles so far:
Ice.
The Ice of Arctuin
The Ice Whales of Arctuin

Any preferences?

Thanks for your time,

D

Mirin peered up through swirling sheets of ice, hoping to see the shuttle pass overhead. She should be flushing the air brakes on the sleds, checking the flares, icepicks and harpoons, but the red, snow scarred night made her pause and pine like a nine year old. She missed blue skies. Alone, she could admit it.

The far off shuttle was her link back to sunshine and cities, to a decent body shop and hence to Bardem's smile. God, she missed him most of all. The stumbling bruise of a man she shared a tent with now wasn't Bardem. Even his smell had changed sinced the accident.

There it was, a steady light gliding above the streaming clouds. Soon, within a month, when dawn broke here, she'd call the shuttle down and they could get off planet for good.

Initially I thought that "peered up through swirling sheets of ice" meant she was swimming under a sheet of ice. It was only later that I realized she's probably on some (Ant)Arctic snowscape somehere, perhaps Earth, perhaps not. And I don't know what "flushing the air brakes" means.

I can imagine a red night, just; and a snow-scarred landscape; but "red, snow scarred night" evoked no imagery for me. (On reflection, and assuming that 'swirling sheets of ice' means an ice storm, I guess this means a red sky streaked with icy snowflakes, but it's not clear to me at first reading.)

I know there's a chain of shops called Body Shop but I'm not sure what a body shop is in the context of this story. SF readers can be very literal and for me this could mean anything from one shop in the chain, to a shop for bodies literally, to a workshop that repairs car bodies.

More importantly, I couldn't tell if she now shares a tent with someone literally not Bardem, or with Bardem although he's not his normal self.

"There it was, a steady light gliding above the streaming clouds." Assuming this is the shuttle she's seeing, in the first sentence she was hoping to see it, now she's seeing it, yet nothing seems to have changed, so one wonders how, now, she can see it.

I don't see a hook, beyond an unhappy woman. I'd suggest making her problem, and the consequences of not solving it, more clear.

On the title, "Ice" tells me little about the story (it could mean diamonds), and "The Ice of Arctuin" little more (since I don't know where Arctuin is). But "The Ice Whales of Arctuin" could be a good title, especially if it's made clear in the first 13 that she's on the snow wastes of Arctuin, for then the idea of snow whales raises the possibility of a hook -- perhaps she's hoping the shuttle will help her in some kind of struggle against them.

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited April 12, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited April 12, 2009).]

I'm amazed at how clear my writing seems to me until someone else reads it! Most of your questions hadn't even occured to me. I'll do my best to clear this up and only leave interesting things unanswered in the next rewrite.

Immediately after the shuttle passing overhead, Mirin's first attempt in my own attempted try/fail/try/fail cycle begins. I'll try to get to it quicker.

Thanks again for your very good points.

D

I thought it was an interesting beginning and would move on.

I honestly don't have an inkling where this story goes from here. She wants to go home. Her significant other is a shell of a man. She is struggling to do her job as a mechanic. She hopes (is it a realistic hope?) to see his smile again and see his normality return. I thought your set up was well written and complete.

However, it has a setting and not a hook. If you want the first 13 to hook, you need to put some hint of what's to come other than waiting for their term of service to end. You need at least a flash of emotion that promises to bring the story to life.

As I said, I would read on anyway. The visuals are strong, for me.

I needed to add the title preference. At this point of the story, I like the simplicity of Ice. The first 13 gives a feeling of bleakness which matches a simple title.

As the story was for a deadline which I'll no longer meet, I'm going to let it rest for the mo.

If I get it close to finished, I'll repost.