Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Untitled Darkish Fantasy

   
Author Topic: Untitled Darkish Fantasy
dee_boncci
Member
Member # 2733

 - posted      Profile for dee_boncci   Email dee_boncci         Edit/Delete Post 
I haven't put anything up here in a long while, and so may be a bit rusty. This is a major revision of something I did several years ago. I'm not quite ready for readers yet, maybe in a week or so. Thoughts on the opening would be appreciated, and if you'd be willing to read in a few days hence, that would be appreciated as well. Thanks!

**********************

Goodwife Maureen watched her son rollick in a drift of leaves. Kerr squirmed into the pile until only his grimy four-year-old’s feet showed, and then he burst up squealing in a shower of gold aspen foliage. Oh, how the boy favored his father.

She wondered how much the child quickening in her womb would favor its father. Would it be Kerr’s full brother or sister; or but a half-brother or half-sister?

Tonight the hedgewitch would tell her.

She feared she knew the answer already.

When the kick of a frightened horse killed her sister Claire, Maureen went to Aodann, her bereaved, to offer a sister’s comfort, but instead gave the comfort of a wife.

**********************


Posts: 612 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C L Lynn
Member
Member # 8007

 - posted      Profile for C L Lynn   Email C L Lynn         Edit/Delete Post 
I liked this. The imagery in the opening paragraph and the fear over her child's paternity would keep me reading. The one nitpick I have is over the phrase "his grimy four-year-old's feet." Is the use of possessive proper here? Strikes me as odd.

Whenever you've finished the draft, I'd be happy to look at it.


Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BenM
Member
Member # 8329

 - posted      Profile for BenM   Email BenM         Edit/Delete Post 
I enjoyed this.

The lone sentence/paragraph Tonight the hedgewitch would tell her. dilutes the (significant) impact of the sentence that follows. Try this as the closing sentence of the previous paragraph instead and see what you think.

When the kick of a frightened horse killed her sister Claire, Maureen went to Aodann, her bereaved, to offer a sister’s comfort, but instead gave the comfort of a wife.
This sentence seems, if not a run-on, then too long. Breaking it into two statements ([1] after her sister's death she goes to Aodann, [2] her indiscretion) may allow the significance of [2] to have more impact.

[This message has been edited by BenM (edited April 01, 2009).]


Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aspirit
Member
Member # 7974

 - posted      Profile for aspirit   Email aspirit         Edit/Delete Post 
You don’t need "his" before "grimy four-year-old’s feet". Whose feet would they be but her son's? There's not another character among the leaves.

I had to consider the various definitions of "favor" to guess what you meant, because "to bear a resemblance to" is the last definition I'd use for "favor". Once I accepted the word, however, I pictured a grown man jumping from a pile of leaves, which probably isn't what you'd intended. I suggest clarifying that the boy's features/personality/whatever favored his father.

Overall, the writing is good and there's a definite hook. What will happen to her family after Maureen talks to the hedgewitch? I'll read the whole story.


Posts: 1139 | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Paladis
New Member
Member # 8535

 - posted      Profile for Paladis   Email Paladis         Edit/Delete Post 
I had to read the last line a few times, I guess I needed to be sure that she was implying that she had slept with her brother in law and may now be with his child.

I like the way starts off, intrigue from the jump off.

The only line that I had a problem with is "Oh, how the boy favored his father." In first person it would fit, but I'm not so sure in third person. That might just be me, I notice no one else mentioned it.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Owasm
Member
Member # 8501

 - posted      Profile for Owasm   Email Owasm         Edit/Delete Post 
I thought the hook was sufficiently set to read on.

I had a couple of personal quibbles with the phrasing. The two lines of 'favor his father' and 'favor its father' didn't work as well for me reading it. The pairing slipped into a feeling of redundancy.

I thought the 'full brother or sister' or 'a half-brother or half-sister' did the same thing plus felt a little clunky.

Other than that, it was a nice image with Kerr playing in the leaves followed by the exposition of her problem.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited April 02, 2009).]


Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dee_boncci
Member
Member # 2733

 - posted      Profile for dee_boncci   Email dee_boncci         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. It has taken me longer than I expected to get this revision finished, for those who volunteered to read. I hope to be sending it out by the end of this coming weekend.

-D


Posts: 612 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2