posted
Here's another story I'm working on polishing. I'd like feedback on the whole thing but anything you can say about the first thirteen would be much appreciated.
It's nine AM. Time for eight more hours of psychic war. I enter the star ship's meditation chamber and take my seat in the suspension carriage. The baroque machinery fastens itself to my body and then injects a powerful muscle relaxant into my veins. I go limp and reach out with my mind, out into the vacuum beyond the ship's hull. The enemy is waiting. They don't have ships like we do. As far as we can tell they don't need them. The enemy is a race of sentient light beings that we've dubbed 'the greenies' or 'green beans', so called because on visual they appear as flickers of emerald against the dark backdrop of space.
posted
I enjoyed this intro. At only 2400, you can send the whole piece if you'd like some feedback. My only concern with this as it stands was the exposition of the final sentence:
The enemy is a race of sentient light beings that we've dubbed 'the greenies' or 'green beans', so called because on visual they appear as flickers of emerald against the dark backdrop of space.
You've shown us the MC getting into his virtual reality system, perhaps show us the greenies now, then explain what they are (rather than explaining first, and, I assume, showing us shortly).
posted
I also thought the last sentence was infodumpy.
But otherwise, I feel the concept of psychic warfare is a good hook, and having the MC treat it like a 9-to-5 job is a neat twist. I stumbled briefly on "baroque machinery". I know what you were trying to say... something intricate and perhaps a bit steampunk-ish. But would the MC think of it in these terms, or would he just see it as "normal" (i.e. his everyday office).
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