posted
Any folk out there who like literary fiction?
2900 words, no speculative element
quote:
“Mr. Delaney, I know you said you didn’t want to be disturbed—”
“I don't, Dianne.” Robert said into the speaker phone.
“—But I’ve got someone on the line who says he’s your brother.”
Robert tapped his pen against his knuckles. It must have been three or four years since he’d last spoken to Tom. Not since Emily had died.
“Do you want me to transfer him?”
He glanced at his computer screen, at the trial notes he was preparing. He could rightly claim to be too busy. But Tom might be in trouble. Besides, he could use a break. “Please.”
Dianne breathed into the phone. “He asked for ‘Robbie.’” He could hear the giggle in her voice, but before he could respond the line clicked.
posted
Read literary fiction? I'm an omnivorous reader. Cereal boxes to encyclopedias, blog rants to Supreme Court decisions, fiction classics to the latest releases, when I get around to 'em.
A teaser of a something presents in "the line clicked." That has me thinking the call is dropped, maybe it's cut off at the other end, which, on second thought, is Diane transferring the call.
As an opening, four character introductions begin. Robert hasn't spoken to Tom in a long time. Emily is dead. Tom might be in trouble. Tom asks for "Robbie," which Diane thinks is funny. Robert is a lawyer.
It's a slow 125-word opening for a 2900-word short story. I'm not introduced to the story by it. I feel an opening should introduce a struggle to come or an ongoing one that's about to break loose. One convention in literary fiction openings is to introduce an internal character struggle. Doing so might introduce that Robert's relationship with Tom is strained. Robert's readiness for a diversion, and Tom's use of "Robbie" suggest that all's well between them and defuses their not talking in a long time.
The dialogue is kind of everyday routine. Perhaps cutting it to a quicker exchange between Diane and Robert would get to an influxing cause sooner, a cause that introduces Robert's struggle.
Opening with Diane speaking first by default places her in first position. That delays immersion into Robert's perspective. He seems to be the intended protagonist.
The opening dialogue line comes out of the blue. Not until two sentences later is the telephone introduced. I first thought that Diane speaks to Robert in person. Starting with an audible sensation related to the phone and from Robert's perspective might place him in first position and orient immersion through him.
posted
Extrinsic, I see what you mean about too many characters. This is the most convenient entry, but perhaps not the best. Since Dianne never shows up again, I'll think of cutting her out entirely.
Thanks for commenting, and thanks to those who have read it!
posted
If you're still looking for readers, Anne, I'd be up for it. And I do like me some literary fiction!
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
