Second Try (longer)
Brull rode into Hosteton as the sky began to purple just after the setting of the sun. He looked to the west and saw the dark silhouettes of the mountains that held the mines, keeping the town in business. The ride through the dry land had mantled him with a fine layer of pale dust making him look spectral in the gloom.

He rode up to the only inn that seemed to be open in town, tied his horse to a post, and walked into an empty room. “Service!” he said, walking up to the bar. A skinny old man poked his head around a corner with fear on his face. “I’m not going to bite you!” Brull said.

The innkeeper said with a quivering voice, “They told me an angry god was headed to my inn.

First Try
Brull rode into Hosteton as the sky began to purple just after the setting of the sun. He could see the dark silhouettes of the mountains that held the mines keeping Hosteton in business. His ride through the dry land had mantled him with a fine layer of pale dust making him look spectral in the gloom.

He rode up to the only inn that seemed to be open in town. He tied his horse to a post, and walked into an empty room.

“Service!” he said, walking up to the bar. He could see a skinny old man peeking around a corner with fear on his face. “I’m not going to bite you!”

quote:

---

Brull rode into Hosteton as the sky began to purple just after the setting of the sun(This is fine, but could be improved ...began to purple as the setting sun dipped below...). He could see (It's his POV so we don't need the 'he could see...' the dark silhouettes of the mountains that held the mines keeping Hosteton in business. His ride through the dry land (this is retrospective, try phrase so you remain in the here and now. ...the dust of the trail covered him with a fine layer...etc.) had mantled him with a fine layer of pale dust making him look spectral (This is outside of his POV. He doesn't know it makes him look spectral in the gloom)in the gloom.
He rode up to the only inn that seemed (Mmm. why? It had lights on...noise?) to be open in town. He (Two 'he's' in a row--not illegal, but noticable here.)tied his horse to a post, and walked into an empty room.
“Service!” he said, walking up to the bar. He could see( saw) a skinny old man peeking around a corner with fear on his face. “I’m not going to bite you!”

---

Firstly, this is much less than 13 lines. Was there a reason for this?

quote:

---

The innkeeper said with a quivering voice, “They told me an angry god was headed to my inn.

---

headed into town might be better. I can see why they might mistake Brull for an angry god coming their way. But how would they know he's coming to the inn?

quote:

---

He looked to the west and saw the dark silhouettes of the mountains that held the mines, keeping the town in business.

---

This sentence trips me up. It sounds perfunctory, and feels as if you're trying to pack too much info in it. Do we need to know this yet? Does your MC need to know this, or to think about this? You have the line about dust--maybe you can work the mines in that way. Or have it come out more naturally through Brull's thoughts/ reactions.

My 2 cents.

Not, I'm sorry, the most original opening. What important information do we get? It's a mining town, it's sunset (probably NOT important). We also get a POV waver - we seem to be in Brull's POV but we get the "made him look spectral" line - to whom?

Second Try (longer)
Brull rode into Hosteton as the sky began to purple just after the setting of the sun.

Okay, I will explain more clearly whay I think this sentence can be improved. Brull rides as the sky does something after the sun had already done something. Your chronology seems off. As a general rule (mine?) if something happened earlier, then mention it before the thing that happens later. So the sun went down earlier, then Brull rides in as the sky purples. So using your words as much as possible:

After the sun set, Brull rode into Hosteton beneath a purple sky.

Now, the above could be improved, but the chronolgy is right which makes it flow better. Also avoid the word 'just' where possible--you can't always avoid it but you can here. 'Just'could mean anything (one second or ten minutes) in this situation and is therefore quite unspecific.

He looked to the west and saw the dark silhouettes of the mountains that held the mines, keeping the town in business.

When you are writing from a specific POV you don't need
mention things like 'he saw' as the reader infers this as it is the POV character. By removing instances of this type attribution it allows you more words to strengthen your hook. An exception to this would be when you need to specifically establish the POV is Jim and not, say, Jack.

The ride through the dry land had mantled him with a fine layer of pale dust making him look spectral in the gloom.

I commented on this sentence in my first crit and withdraw part of that comment now. The first bit is fine. Althought the POV issue is still evident.

He rode up to the only inn that seemed to be open in town, tied his horse to a post, and walked into an empty room. “Service!” he said, walking up to the bar.

Why did it seem open? Why miss out a chance to add a detail for only a few words more? Instead you have telling rather than showing.

He rode up to the only inn with lights still on, tied his horse to the post, and walked into an empty room. “Service!” he said, walking up to the bar.

A skinny old man poked his head around a corner with fear on his face.

Fear on his face? How do you know? Tell us what Brull is actually seeing.e.g.

A skinny old man poked his head around a corner, his face white and eyes wide.

“I’m not going to bite you!” Brull said.

The innkeeper said with a quivering voice, “They told me an angry god was headed to my inn.

What about showing us his quiver/quaver? e.g.

“They t...told me an angry god was headed to m..my inn."

It's more immersive.

I hope this helps and is more explainatory than my first post was--

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 05, 2009).]