Update: I just finished it. The title is now Soul Catchers and it's 5,000 words. If anyone would like to read, I'd appreciate it.

“What’s that?” Brull said to a passerby, looking up at the ornate building floating twenty feet in the air.
“That’s the warlock guild.” The woman shook her head. “I hate those warlocks.”
“I’ll join you in that. Unfortunately I have a meeting with the Guildmaster this morning, how do I get in?”
“See that stoop over there?” She pointed to a block of stone six inches high and about twenty feet long on the ground just in front the building. “That’s the first step-- Oh there’s someone coming out of the guild house, now.”
They both looked up as a warlock stopped seemingly in mid-air, adjusted his tunic and knifebelt, then took invisible steps down to street level.

“That’s the warlock guild.” The woman shook her head. “I hate those warlocks.”
This dialogue seemed a little choppy (out of interest, why not use something like 'guild," the woman said, shaking her head.'?) and artificial (ie, I'd if she really hates them, I'd expect her to express her distaste from the outset within the dialog - '"That's that bleeding warlock guild," the woman said, "I do so hate their kind."

with the Guildmaster
It wasn't immediately apparent you meant the warlock guild's guildmaster. Wouldn't he say "with their Guildmaster"?

They both looked up as a warlock stopped seemingly in mid-air, adjusted his tunic and knifebelt, then took invisible steps down to street level.
Has he appeared out of thin air? Or did they see him come through the front door of the building?

I would certainly read on.

PS. Just one thing actually. The first sentence could benefit from a little clarification. I think it could be read in two ways. I will sow you by re-writing the sentence slighly to strengthen the effect.

a)“What’s that?” Brull said to a passerby, who was looking up at the ornate building floating twenty feet in the air.

b)“What’s that?” Brull said to a passerby, as he looked up at the ornate building floating twenty feet in the air.

I would just clarify it. When I first read it I thought your meaning was A. After reading it a few times I think you wanted B as your meaning.

Also if the passerby was a woman, why not call her '...a passing woman...' It's more specific. Otherwise a reader may have initially thought he stopped a man and then they would need to revise that image when the read the next sentence--again that's something you want to avoid.

Sorry, I said I had no problems with it, but the above are just nits.

Adam

quote:

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“What’s that?” Brull said to a passerby, looking up at the ornate building floating twenty feet in the air.

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Opening with dialogue, and a question reacting to an external stimulus no less, all too typically comes out of the blue. Brull's question reacts to an external stimulus that precedes the action of asking the question and the stimulus is then depicted in the following context. I think that's putting the effect before the cause, which does not follow or flow logically. Confusion ensues. An effect before a cause neutralizes the impact of the effect, sets up a situation that all but asks for a go-back read.

Causation begins with a cause and flows toward effect that, in turn, becomes cause, and so on. Logically, in narrative, most causes press inward on a focal character, the immediate effect is internal stewing, fermenting, struggling to understand, to interpret, to decide, or an external cause incites an immediate, knee-jerk, visceral external reaction effect.

Incoming cause in openings, or influx as I know it, is the more conventional method because it incites (causes) action, struggle, emotion, introspection, etc. I've looked high and low for an opening outgoing cause, or efflux, and not found one for a good example yet. I don't think it's impossible to open with an efflux, if it's grounded in logical causation, but being unconventional it's as likely to be confusing as a nonlogical effect-cause sequence.

Of course, there are no absolutes in causal order story-wise, as in anything else about story, but cause-effect, like form follows function, is an expectation that's challenging to contravene.