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Author Topic: Isle of Storms-Fantasy-4,800 words
Merlion-Emrys
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This is actually a re-write of an old story that I wrote but never really did anything with as I wasn't really happy with the results. So, I'm trying it again. It's meant to be pretty straight forward high fantasy.

Thoughts on the begining good, offers to read the finished product better.


Stromael crested a rise and there before him lay the port city of Arajahal, glimmering like a jewel on the edge of the sea. The sky was clear, the sun bright. Nice enough, but for a moment he considered living up to his title and calling a storm. He thought better of it though.
He’d been called here by a message from one Captain Jorose. The missive requested his presence and his assistance with a matter involving his area of expertise: Storms. There were no other details, only a promise of tempests the likes of which even Stromael, the Stormcaller had never experienced.
As he approached the gates, Stromael could smell the odors of the city—sweat, waste, cooking smoke and spices and under it all the briny tang of the sea. He didn’t really care much for cities on the whole, but Arajahal he liked better than most.


Slightly different version.


Stromael crested a rise and there before him lay the port city of Arajahal, glimmering like a jewel on the edge of the sea.
He’d been called here by a message from one Captain Jorose. The missive requested his presence and his assistance with a matter involving his area of expertise. There were no other details, only a promise of tempests the likes of which even Stromael, the Stormcaller had never experienced.
As he approached the gates, Stromael could smell the odors of the city—sweat, waste, cooking smoke and spices and under it all the briny tang of the sea. He didn’t really care much for cities on the whole, but Arajahal he liked better than most. It’s walls and buildings were low, you could see the sky and always smell the wind and the sea.


A third version


Stromael, the Stormcaller crested a rise and there before him lay the port city of Arajahal, sprawled along the glimmering edge of the ocean.
As he approached the gates a breeze wafted the odors of the city to his nostrils. Sweat, waste, cooking smoke and spices and under it all the briny tang of the sea. He didn’t really care much for cities on the whole, but Arajahal he liked better than most. Its walls and buildings were low, you could see the sky and always smell the wind and the sea.
He’d been called here by a message from a Captain Jorose, requesting his aid and promising tempests the likes of which even the Stormcaller had never seen. The prospect excited him, but he was a little annoyed given that the weather here was clear and sunny. He was anxious to learn where these storms were

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 27, 2009).]


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NoTimeToThink
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Just an observation - you are putting too much emphasis on Stromael's ability. His name hints at it, which is good, but then, in this opening you say:
1) ... he considered living up to his title and calling a storm.
2) ... his area of expertise: Storms.
3) ... a promise of tempests the likes of which even Stromael, the Stormcaller had never experienced.
You could probably drop a couple of these references and still get the point across without seeming as heavy handed.

Not really grabbing my interest - no tension yet.


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Merlion-Emrys
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Hmm...I can see what you mean about the first comment and I've posted a different version with that element reduced a bit.


However as to the tension part...and this is not meant to negate your input nor is it a "defense" of anything, its actual curiosity...does neither the prospect of finding out exactly what the message is talking about nor even just the concept of a storm-mage interest you at all? If these things don't, would the presence of more "tension" of some kind do so?

How would you suggest injecting tension into a begining like this? in medias res is fine, but some stories do in fact start at a begining point, rather than in the middle of the action.


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monstewer
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He’d been called here by a message from one Captain Jorose. The missive requested his presence and his assistance with a matter involving his area of expertise.

I think those two sentences are a little clunky and let this opening down. This man being the "Stormcaller" is probably your hook here and yet it's hidden away at the end of the first paragraph almost as an afterthought. Also, the information in those two sentences could be whittled down and save yourself quite a lot of words--the first sentence there mentions the message and the second says what is in this message, so why not combine the two into something like: "He'd been called here by message from a Captain Jerose, promising him tempests the like of which even he, Stromael the Stormcaller had never experienced." Not perfect I know, but it shows how 12 words could be cut from two sentences and help streamline this opening.

As for injecting tension into a beginning like this without resorting to in media res, it could sometimes help by showing how the MC feels about a certain situation. If we see somebody called Stormcaller arriving at a city to deal with raging tempests, and you show him to be scared half to death, then I reckon that would add some tension--they must be really powerful storms to scare the Stormcaller. Or if you showed him hungry for the fight, then this would add a different kind of tension.

Good luck with the rewrite!


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arriki
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I agree. This has not captured my interest as a reader. But I’m real picky so this may be a minority opinion.

What I feel is what I don’t feel here. The prose, the words lack power. You say what you want to say in a very dull (?) way. Could you find a more exciting or interesting point to enter the story?

Like what? Stromael receiving the missive while someone else is with him? Maybe don’t reveal what it says, but describe – in an active way – how terrible or frightening or important the news is? Build up some tension.

Glimmering like a jewel doesn’t do much for helping me build a picture of the city. And smelling the odors didn’t do much either. Both were a little too generic. How is the city beautiful? And doesn’t that clash with the sense of the smells you list?

Hmmm…you also start off with one topic – describing the city – then switch to the missive and finally back to describing the city again for no (to me) apparent reason. That’s working against you here, too.

You haven’t given me details that set me in the MC. Another option for opening. Is he riding or walking? Each has different sensations you could exploit.


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NoTimeToThink
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The second try is better, it's starting to interest me. Perhaps you could move his title to right at the start: "Stromael Stormcaller crested a rise...".

Regarding the tension question, this may sound odd, but with all the talk of storms, I felt like there's this powerful storm god approaching the town (that may just be me, not be what you intended), and something violent could happen, but... no, it's a perfectly calm day and we're having none of that after all. Almost an anti-climax right at the start. This has improved with downplaying the storm thing, but consider a little tweak, opening with:
"Stromael Stormcaller felt the sea breeze as he crested the rise. There before him..."
or
"Stromael Stormcaller, wind at his back,..."
might be just enough to remove the stillness.


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MrsBrown
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I am intrigued by his being a stormcaller. You’ve just about got me.

I like the suggestion of calling him Stromael Stormcaller right at the start. (Nice name, by the way.)
Also the suggestion to indicate how he feels about the Captain’s request.
Something must have piqued his interest enough to make him come. Challenge? Pride? Monetary gain? You have a chance to tell us something personal about your MC.

It might be interesting to have the wind come from the city, such that he can smell the odors AND taste the flavor of the wind’s patterns, or feel the currents around him, or some such that indicates his special connection to the weather. Then in that last sentence, “Its walls and buildings were low--he could always see the sky and feel/smell/bask in the winds”… maintaining his connection, tying it together.

Trim: Could cut “his presence and” Could combine the sentences about the message and the missive. Could cut “on the whole”

In fact, suggest: “He didn’t really care much for cities, but Arajahal he liked better than most, with its low walls and buildings. He could always…” It clarifies that this is why he likes the city, and emphasizes that last line.

I don’t mind “glimmering like a jewel” – but it does make me think of a city with many high towers, like facets. Could the sea glimmer instead? Could the city sprawl? (I know, its cliché.)


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Merlion-Emrys
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quote:
Also the suggestion to indicate how he feels about the Captain’s request.
Something must have piqued his interest enough to make him come. Challenge? Pride? Monetary gain? You have a chance to tell us something personal about your MC


Its funny you mention that, since I was going for a bit of that, but often when I try to do to much emotion, I hear that its too much "telling." However given that at least one editor I submit to regularly has expressed a desire for telling of emotions...I think just a tiny tweak is in order here.

quote:
I don’t mind “glimmering like a jewel” – but it does make me think of a city with many high towers, like facets


Yeah, my fantasy cities always want to come out that way, but it doesn't quite work for this one, so I'll have to reconfrabulate it slightly.


Good suggestions here, thanks all...the best part is its stuff that should serve me well for the rest of the actual story too :-)


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Merlion-Emrys
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Finally finished. Could I get "Unfinished" replaced with "4,800 words" please?


Anyone interested in reading the complete story, let me know.


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Meredith
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I'll read it, if you don't mind waiting for me to work through the RFM first. BTW, go ahead and send the new version of Prism Ship. I haven't recieved that yet.
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Merlion-Emrys
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Thanks...I was waiting to write a proper reply to your email, but I'll just send files first for now.
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