posted
The kingdom was weak and population was dwindling. The king had commanded that The Wizard earn his keep by producing a fertility potion and lots of it. The Wizard stood at his cauldron filled with slimy goo boiling over a crackling fire. He waved his wand to do the magic, and waved his other hand to keep the air clear in front of his face. Acrid smoke from damp firewood mixed with the sickly-sweet smell of steam from the pot. Neither were easy to breathe. Ussen, the apprentice, stood behind The Wizard away from the fire and fumes. From his manner and his voice, Ussen was not yet in his teens, but nobody knew his real age. “Still too weak. Dragon’s claw!” said The Wizard. Ussen scrambled to the table where The Wizard had laid out the
Looking for your take on the first 13 for now.
Second try, with thanks for all the comments. It's dark fantasy with touches of humor before the darkness falls. This time I'm looking for readers (thanks Owasm.)
The Wizard waved his wand over the cauldron with its slimy goo boiling over a crackling fire. He waved his other hand to keep the air clear in front of his face. Acrid smoke from damp firewood mixed with the sickly-sweet smell of steam from the pot. They weren’t easy to breathe, but he had to do it.
The kingdom was weak and population was dwindling. The king was desperate and had commanded The Wizard to earn his keep with a fertility potion and lots of it. The old man wouldn’t stay in one piece long if his patron went from displeased to angry.
Ussen, the apprentice, stood behind The Wizard away from the fire and fumes. From his manner and his voice, Ussen was not yet in his teens, but nobody knew his real age. He’d been a street urchin for as long as anyone remembered him.
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited June 15, 2009).]
posted
I'd lose the first two sentences. It's telling and not very interesting. Start with the wizard working on his concoction and then tell us why--and maybe what's at stake, for the wizard, not just for the kingdom.
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posted
I agree about the first two sentences- they gotta go. The next sentence is also weak, have the wizard do more than stand next to the cauldron--all of the description makes the cauldron more important than he is. Perhaps he could 'watch' the cauldron boil over, as it stands it sounds like he is full of goo. Neither denotes one or the other not both so neither 'was' easy to breathe. If you switch from describing the wizard to Ussen you should separate them into paragraphs of their own. When you say that Ussen was not yet in his teens you might couch it in more questionable terms-- judging by his manner and voice, Ussen seemed not yet in his teens. You seem to be hinting that he was older but you said that he was not.
Dragon's claw!-- a swear?
I like the idea presented but the writing is a little telling for my taste. By putting the info dump in front we get no tension. There is as yet no voice. I would have the wizard working furiously to create this potion with a deadline hanging over his head. Give us the backstory in little bits (but don't withold) I'm not sure from this if the intention is to be funny but the plot lends itself to humour.
in smoke and potion fumes. I like the beginning. Although I agree with the others that the fertility potion needs to come up later. Perhaps he's under an edict to get the potion out or else.
I'm getting the vibe that this is humor. If you did, indeed, cut out the first two sentences, you have words to get more into the potion making a bit more.
Seeing as how this is a flash, you have to make sure everything works as succinctly as possible.
posted
I like the second opening much better than the first, but other than that, I'm not sure what to say. I kind of get that this is supposed to be humorous, but I like my humor to be a little more... what's the word? Not so blatant?
Also, I think, while I was reading this, it felt kind of dry to me for some reason. Usually, I think dryness comes from a matter-of-fact stating of the details of the scene. Don't know if this was intended, but I don't like that too much. <_<
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