posted
I've completely re-written the hook as well as where the story starts to match my strengths. Also, I have a bit more writing to showcase, (about 900 words), so if anyone would like to volunteer to read such a trifling amount, that would be great. I'll be adding constantly to it over the hours and days, so the story might grow quickly.
Anyways, for this particular 13 line snippet, I'd like to know if the rapport of the characters is, if not fully supported, at least hinted at. Also, I'm not sure if this is a good enough hook for readers. I think the main reason a reader would continue to read from these 13 lines is the strength of the Adolfo character's personality. And finally, give as much critique on these actual thirteen lines as you can.
Also, I know that this is rather quick from that last submission. I would normally critique about five submissions myself before posting another submission, but it seems to me that all the other submission have all ready been thoroughly critiqued. Don't worry though, I'll be on the ball the second a new submission comes in.
Here's the thirteen lines:
"Is this seat taken, girl? No? Why, you're in luck! Let me tell you about the time I was in Das Schumpfetlantst. Me and my men were stranded for four days upon the fresh water marsh..." Nicki stared at the man who, without hesitation or waiting for her reply, had inserted himself into the cabin seat beside her, and who started talking about his glory days as an explorer immediately thereupon.
"Malcome was bleeding out and his ribs were crushed, leaving it up to me to face three huge man-eating Wulferen. I stood my ground, when--" The man stopped talking immediately when Nicki placed her hand over his. His eyes met hers, a single eyebrow raised.
"Thanks for not talking," Nicki said, "A conversation works best when the words fly both ways."
posted
I preferred the scene of the first version. It needed some polishing and focus but as a scene it was a perfectly good opener. It had tension, mystery and danger, but this version has none of those elements.
quote:"Is this seat taken, girl? No? Why, you're in luck! Let me tell you about the time I was in Das Schumpfetlantst. Me and my men were stranded for four days upon the fresh water marsh
This is difficult to understand as an opening, it’s floating head. I would reverse the sentences so at least the reader knows a man has sat down next to a girl, otherwise they are totally lost. I assume they are travelling, but to where? I assume they are either on a boat or plane, but what time period, feels a little like Indiana Jones?
There are some people who think you should never start a story with dialogue, but I would just point them to Enders game.
Take a look at enders game, its on the site and a classic example on how to open with dialogue, it takes the action forward, it gives you hint of the location and at the end of the dialogue it goes back to the location, i.e. a group, some emotion i.e. nervous and some more about the behaviour of the group. I could only hope to have opening as 1% as good as Enders.
But your opening still reads too much like a script. You have not set the scene and the dialogue unlike Enders is not about the scene, so it’s not adding any tension or location of the world. In Enders the opening is about the immediate future, creating tension and danger. Your dialogue is a past tense story with no obvious relevance to the characters.
In the middle of a story these 13 lines might work but as a catchy opening hooking the reader, I think this works less well than the previous.
posted
Hmm... I see. Yes, yes, I think you're absolutely right. I'll have to fix this in the next re-write.
Oh, and I've decided not to go back to my previous hook. I think I'll experiment some more and see what I can come up with. Instead of re-writing right away, let me sit on it a bit and let my mind stew. See what I come up with.
posted
I agree with Sixbells. Although your first effort was loaded with problems you at least had the right idea. It was full of tension and a hint of a bigger story. This is looking like a 'you know Bob...' type of set up.
quote:"Is this seat taken, girl? No? Why, you're in luck! Let me tell you about the time I was in Das Schumpfetlantst. Me and my men were stranded for four days upon the fresh water marsh..." Nicki stared at the man who, without hesitation or waiting for her reply, had inserted himself into the cabin seat beside her, and who started talking about his glory days as an explorer immediately thereupon.
The opening dialog does not work for me. May I suggest you break it up. Mix action with it so we can see the events happen as he speaks.
"Is this seat taken, miss? no?" Nicki stared at the man who, without hesitation or waiting for her reply, had inserted himself into the space beside her. "Why, you're in luck! Let me tell you about the time I was in Das Schumpfetlantst. Me and my men were stranded for four days upon the fresh water marsh..."
At this point instead of you telling us he started talking about his glory days as an explorer immediately thereupon, why not place an action tag that convenes what she is thinking.
Oh god. Not this. Please don't make me endure four hours of this.
quote: The man stopped talking immediately when Nicki placed her hand over his.
cut 'talking immediately'
quote:His eyes met hers, a single eyebrow raised.
not the type of reaction I would imagine someone to have that was suddenly silenced.
quote:"Thanks for not talking," Nicki said, "A conversation works best when the words fly both ways."
cut 'for not talking'
I read your explanation on what the story is about. I believe you have a better strating point with your first effort.
Glad to have you a part of hatrack. I can already tell that you will be a valuable member.
quote: "Thanks for not talking," Nicki said, "A conversation works best when the words fly both ways."
Great line.
This opening doesn't hook me at all, whereas the previous one did. Why? Because Nicki is repulsed, and as readers we often take our cues from the characters. I hardly paid any attention to what the man said, thinking he's rude and intrusive. I hope Nicki will get out of the situation -- and with lines like hers she probably will -- but I don't know enough about her to care, to read on. (In the previous version, she's clearly active and in charge, much more engaging as a character.)
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited June 08, 2009).]
posted
I didn't read the original, but the last line makes me want to continue.
The first line of dialogue is a bit awkward, but I could follow it. I think the second line is repetitious and unecessary. You could leave it at "Nicki stared at the man", and the reader surmises from the previous line that this man is sitting beside her and talking about his glory days.
I've got a sense of the man character, but less of Nicki. Maybe rather than have the man continue with his story ("Malcome was.."), just say "he continued" and use this space to show us Nicki's reaction.
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