posted
I must've been asleep at the switch when I made that post! How could I be such a dope? There is no way my novella is over 44,000 words. I just couldn't figure out why nobody had replied. You see, I've been working 10 hour shifts at work, again, with little sleep. Not a good combination, I can assure you.
So please consider my story (Someone is Watching) for a reading or a crit. Here is the corrected version of my original post:
I've already posted this particular story several times. I had two Hatrackers read the original for me with the same results. I made my MC too unlikeable with no redeaming features. In this version, his brother Silas helps him out along with Mom and Dad.
Pyraxis and Christian: You were both right and have helped me make this story work so much better. I like it now that I've finished the revisions. I feel the first part of the story is as good as the last part that you both liked in this version.
The revisions won't be obvious in the first 13. I've pretty much kept that the same. If anyone wishes to crit the first 13, that's perfectly fine, but I'm mainly looking for readers. It's approximately 10,700 words (48 pages). So, if someone would like to read only part of it instead of all of it, that's fine. I feel like this story is finally finished and ready to be submitted.
So here's the first 13:
Wyatt strolled down the barn aisle to inspect the sale horses he would soon be leading through the auction. He stopped to examine an Appaloosa in the nearest holding pen when she chose that moment to capture his gaze with her own. Deep in the black leopard mare’s eyes an image from the past leapt out at him. His arms tighten with goose bumps. “Black Rain,” he whispered. The bumps eased away but not the memories. Not with his spirit guide staring back at him from within this mare’s eyes.
Footsteps sounded behind him. He threw Silas a quick glance when his brother stopped beside him in the peaceful quiet of the barn. “Dad said you had an Appaloosa among your charges. Wanna trade?”
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited May 30, 2009).]
posted
Hi Snapper, and thanks for coming to my rescue .
I included the word "barn" to let readers know where this was taking place, but maybe because we're looking at sale horses, it really isn't needed. Where else would horses be?
<Not with his spirit guide staring back at him from within this mare’s eyes.>
The above sentence just proves that you can't please everyone. One of my readers for this story got confused and thought the mare in the holding pen and Black Rain were one and the same instead of Wyatt seeing his spirit guide within the mare's eyes. "...from within this mare's eyes." is what I tacked on in an effort to lessen the confusion. Now, I'm wondering if I should've left it as it was in the original version.
Yes, Silas is Wyatt's brother. This is brought up later in the story. So maybe I could leave that part out and reword the sentence.
I really don't want to let go of "spirit guide". That's what Black Rain is and what they are termed by Native Americans. I don't see any way to get around that and not lose an important aspect of the story. It's also my hook. After all, how many people see their spirit guide staring at them from within the eyes of a horse they've never seen before, and why is she there in the first place?
All your points are valid, Snapper, and I'll always respect your experience and advice. I shall take it all under consideration and see what I can do with it .
quote:All your points are valid, Snapper, and I'll always respect your experience and advice.
Aw, shucks.
quote:I included the word "barn" to let readers know where this was taking place, but maybe because we're looking at sale horses, it really isn't needed.
I really didn’t take this as a major sticking point but since you brought it up…
quote:Wyatt strolled down the barn aisle
Then how about…
Wyatt strolled between the stalls
quote:One of my readers for this story got confused and thought the mare in the holding pen and Black Rain were one and the same instead of Wyatt seeing his spirit guide within the mare's eyes. "...from within this mare's eyes." is what I tacked on in an effort to lessen the confusion. Now, I'm wondering if I should've left it as it was in the original version.
I confess that I thought Black Rain was the name of the mare. So the confusion is still there. This is the first 13. I would probably have been up to speed by the second page.
quote:I really don't want to let go of "spirit guide". That's what Black Rain is and what they are termed by Native Americans. I don't see any way to get around that and not lose an important aspect of the story. It's also my hook.
This is my personal bias. I had two syndicated series that I adored that had to slide into Native American folk lore and treat it as if it were real. Highlander and Star Trek Voyager. They were both jump the shark moments for me. I confess that I have no alternatives to offer you. The ones that I think of are smart alec terms that will do you no good. Like…
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