posted
This is something I hope to submit to an anthology. It is 80% done. How does the opening look?
quote:“Caw!” “Good morning Mary Ann,” the Wicked Witch of the East said to the crow that sat on the ledge of her window. “What are the servants up to this morning?” “Caw! Caw!” “Is that so?” She stepped up to the ledge and looked out at her lands from the top spire of her mansion. The sight of watching the peasants of Oz toil for her own gains made her smile. “There always has to be at least one slacker, right Mary Ann?” “Caw!” The witch slipped on her sliver slippers. “Breakfast does sound like a good idea.” She closed her eyes and clicked her heels together. “There’s no place like the kitchen. There’s no place like the kitchen.”
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited May 30, 2009).]
posted
I’ve found it hard to get in too, the Caw Caw from the crow put me off. This is perhaps more of a personal taste issue. I would prefer "the crow squawked" and then maybe adverb on the tone etc to express the message.
I love the way you describe the witch overseeing her land, great writing. I can’t really fault it, other than what I’ve mentioned above.
posted
The bit about the slacker wasn't clear enough for some me. It actually distracted from the flow. I was wondering if she was going to go into her kitchen to prepare the slacker for her breakfast... or what was the witch going to do?
posted
I like this! Humorous with an edge. The slacker bit was clear enough to me—I assume she will deal with him/her later. Not sure what to think about “Caw”… wish I had read your piece before the others’ comments! (Generally a bad idea.)
Nits: “that sat”… sitting? “the ledge of her window” … windowsill? “The sight of watching” … hmm.
posted
While this is not my normal choice of reading, I like the opening, especially the "there's no place like the kitchen..."
If this was at an easy reading level, I think kids could really get into it. My 6 yr old would love this...even though you wouldn't want to write it at that level.
The conversation with the crow wasn't confusing to me, because I was reading it at a lower level...Actually, because I am used to reading to my girls, I liked it...Interaction like that makes the story "pop". I have a running story I tell my girls and I have given all my animal character accents...They love the turtle with the Texan drawl...
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