Obviously a great editor, I didn’t know how your technical knowledge would transit over to the actual ‘art’ of writing (maybe you’ve already posted here in the past). You haven’t disappointed. This reminds me a great deal of Michael Flynn, but probably because I just finish January Dancer. These first 13 have me hooked; seems like a great Space Opera in the making, and I can only hope there is more to come.

I felt the onslaught of names and positions to be a bit off-putting as I read the opening for the first time. The lurp squad brought interest to the start, but I think it got in the way of the hook, which is elegantly put on your last line.

"Your job is escort. Mine is quiet, deniable parcel extraction"

Certainly what I would expect of your writing style from your comments.

As long is this is an exploratory exercise, you might want to play with an opening that is simplified and fully Fireplug-related without the lurp squad. It might be a smoother start... and use the lurp interchange shortly after that open.

I tested the readability index on the as-posted version, scores 10th grade readabilty index, about equivalent to a college graduate's comprehension reading aptitude (reading for entertainment pastimes), which is not the ideal for prose. Taking out that train wreck proper noun sentence and Aggregate and simplifying Rougere's name scores it at the ideal 7th grade readability index. As it is, apparently, that train-wreck sentence impedes reader immersion. Yeah, I test, check and recheck, and aggressively revise diction and syntax in my prose writing.

Lurp is the pronounced version of LRRP, Long Range Recon Patrol, name for a type of tactical combat unit active during the Vietnam War. Currently known as LRS units, Lors or some such doesn't have the subliminal sounding qualities I'm after and is no more recognizable in prose usage. Perhaps another term would be appropriate, as long as it has a sound that subliminally hints at a lethal and less-than-noble quality.

I spent a long time mastering the intricacies of special punctuation, the semicolon and colon especially. In the end, I concluded that a comma or a period serves the intended purposes, in most prose situations anyway. Or if a comma or period doesn't serve, it's preferable to recast a sentence so that readers' aren't impeded by special punctuation. Semicolons and colons cause a more abrupt pause during pastime reading than the ideal 7th grade readability index reader likes.

Thanks for reading and commenting, and for the encouraging and favorable though discerning replies.

This works well for characterisation; the description of Fireplug is evocative and the intra-departmental contempt is quickly and efficiently drawn.

However, as you've identified, it's a tougher read than is ideal for reader immersion. I think a lot of the problem lies with the telling about the current assignment and the military jargon.

For me, the hook comes in the dialogue exchange. Right away we've got tension. You need to keep the first two sentences (they draw character very well), but everything between that and the dialogue (IMO) is telling that slows us down. I think it can wait until the reader is drawn in. The dialogue is what really hooks me.

Nick

I think you need something heavier than a comma in "both, extraction" to give more pause than the second comma in that sentence. (I think I'd use an em dash. Or recast.)

In general, I like. Specifically, I don't. Most of the not-liking comes from the milieu-specific vocab. Give me time and I'd be glad to know more about Aggregate Ops, Creux's Taikonathingy Dockyards, Ops cubes, Lurps (L.U.R.P.S?) and all the rest besides. In the first 13, it's all a bit much.

The transition from PoV from “Fireplug” to GSRS (maybe introduce the General Specialist title later, if important) forced me to think--and I hate that.

I also enjoyed the implied rivalries and the economical backgrounding; “We can do this without you holding us back.” struck me as tautological, though.