Do you see anything? Lisan thought.

Hush. It sounded like nothing more than a sigh, so distant was the admonition. Lisan felt a pain deep in her chest at the unfamiliar distance between them. Her hair whipped behind her and she crouched low over Herun’s neck as the horse raced toward the forest.

Come back to me. Cara was lost to sight now, she had circled so high into the clear blue skies. Come back. How long was it since Cara had been so distant?

Never, was the simple answer. The Hawkmasters had the chosen egg placed in the crib with them, the warmth of the infant nurturing the egg until the cracks began to form and the child helped free the bird of its prison. From that moment, hawk and

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“Do you see anything?” Lisan thought.

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If it was her thoughts than why is it in quotes?

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“Hush.” It sounded like nothing more than a sigh, so distant was the admonition.

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Who says this? Is it inher head?

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Lisan felt a pain deep in her chest at the unfamiliar distance between them.

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I am not understanding why she is having pain in her chest? Is it a metaphor? If so wouldn't emptiness have the effect you are after?

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Her hair whipped behind her and she crouched low over Herun’s neck as the horse raced toward the forest.

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Difficult for hair to whip forward while racing on a horse. cut 'behind her'

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“Come back to me.” Cara was lost to sight now, she had circled so high into the clear blue skies. “Come back.” How long was it since Cara had been so distant?

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not bad and the first part that is clear to me.

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the warmth of the infant nurturing the egg until the cracks began to form and the child helped free the bird of its prison.

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This part is confusing to me. I am not sure what you are trying to say. Did you mean 'the child would help the bird...'?

Well, I agree with all of snapper's comments.

Now, to *me* the beginning is extremely confusing. I feel like every line sort of floats without much cohesion -until the last 2 lines. There I know who's what and why were they feeling what they were feeling before.

For example:

1. Hush. It sounded like nothing more than a sigh, so distant was the admonition.

Who is admonishing who? Lisian is admonishing herself? And why do I care if I don't know anything, I haven't SEEN anything yet, as a reader all I have here is a fog and voices.

2. ...felt a pain deep in her chest at the unfamiliar distance between them....

"Them". Lisian and who else? It'd be a nice moment to tell me, so I can picture a woman very attached to her hawk. (To me, part of your hook)

3. Cara was lost to sight now, she had circled so high into the clear blue skies.

Nice moment to tell me Cara is a hawk. I know she's circling the sky and all and I could piece it together if BEFORE you had told me she is a hawk. No reason why you shouldn't give me a clear mental picture of a hawk circling the air. As it is, in my head, I see nothing, just an empty sky from inside "something".

This is a small nit but, is the horse's name important? If it isn't, if it can be introduced later, then you could leave it for later and concentrate only on two things with names.

To me, your hook is in your last 2 lines but by then you have lost me, I'm not really willing to read about feelings that float without being attached to "characters" (hawk, people, anything, something).

I really, really liked the last two lines so I'd suggest you work those lines into the the previous ones so you convey a bit more information about who is what.
I'm not saying "cut the feelings out and put in information". The feelings are very important but they only become so when they're attached to a hawk or a person.

[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited July 05, 2009).]

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Hush. It sounded like nothing more than a sigh, so distant was the admonition. Lisan felt a pain deep in her chest at the unfamiliar distance between them.

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Well, it looks like you want to stick with the chest pain so I am going to assume it is real to her. There is the dual 'distant's in congruent sentences. May I suggest you rearrange the two sentences?

Hush. It sounded like nothing more than a sigh. So distant was the admonition between them that Lisan felt a pain deep in her chest.