posted
Ok, I read the Jul 21st post from "she who must be obeyed", and I did this all wrong. Here's an attempt to get it right.
This is and unfinished short story. I guess I would classify it as mainstream or modern fiction. It concerns a man who attempts to pass through airport security with, shall we say, inappropriate items, but the story begins after that point. I have posted the first 13 below, and one revision. I have several endings in mind, but haven't decided which one I prefer. If you would like to give feedback, please email me at brockbooher@cox.net.
Thanks
Here's the first 13 of an unfinished short story. Thanks for any feedback.
“I’m innocent!” shouted Jamil, but the sound traveled no further than the soundproofed walls of the dimly lit interrogation room. He couldn’t see anyone behind the one-way glass, and it had been over an hour since he was placed in the room. He stood and looked into the glass straining to see through it. “I’ve done nothing wrong! Do you hear me? This is all just a misunderstanding!” he shouted as he banged his hand against the glass.
Nobody responded. Jamil looked around the room for some sort of comfort, but found none. It looked like a government interrogation room – tile floor, one-way mirrored glass, video camera in the corner. The florescent lighting washed away any color that might have been found in the metal table and chairs.
[This message has been edited by brockbooher (edited July 27, 2009).]
Attempt #2
“I’m innocent!” shouted Jamil, but the sound traveled no further than the walls of the dimly lit interrogation room. He stood and strained to see through the mirrored glass window. It had been over two hours since he tried to pass through airport security. “This is all just a misunderstanding! I’ve done nothing wrong! Does anyone hear me?” he shouted banging his hand against the glass.
Nobody responded. Jamil looked around the room for some sort of comfort, but found none. He had never been in a government interrogation room, but it looked just as he imagined it would – tile floor, one-way mirrored glass window, video camera in the corner. The florescent lighting washed away any color that might have been found in the metal table and chairs.
Thanks again for the feedback.
[This message has been edited by brockbooher (edited July 27, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by brockbooher (edited July 27, 2009).]
The description "It looked like a government interrogation room –" suggests that he's getting his first glimpse at the place, which for me doesn't really fit with how I read his protests of innocence.
I got the feeling that I'm being started in the wrong place, that I should see him being thrust into this room and who is antagonist is - the opening as it reads here seems empty of conflict (having not seen any, perhaps Jamil just made it all up, maybe he's in a mental hospital and is paranoid).
I found little here with which I might grow attached to and care about this character.
I felt [the glass straining] -> [the glass, straining]
I felt the 'shouted' in [misunderstanding!” he shouted] is unnecessary; the dialogue already does that for me.
Also, due to similarities of name & setting, the first sentence brought back memories of the opening of Slumdog Millionaire, in which 'Jamal' is being interrogated. Probably an irrelevant observation.
posted
I agree with the above comment. I personally would have preferred to know what was happening. I didn't like having to try to guess.
I think withholding information like this to build suspense can work IF I already give a crap about the story. Then it can make me keep turning pages to find out what is happening. If I don't already care about the story, though, I find myself thinking (like in this case), let me know whats happening fast or I'm moving on to something else."
posted
This could work as an opening. It's mainstream fiction, right? My impression is someone ordered Jamil into this room, he thinks he's there to be questioned, and he doesn't understand why. I expect to learn with Jamil about the situation.
However, there are inconsistencies with my impression.
quote:“I’m innocent!” shouted Jamil, but the sound traveled no further than the soundproofed walls
How does he know the walls are soundproofed?
quote:of the dimly lit interrogation room.
If he knows this is an interrogation room, then I agree with the others we need more information up front. If not, then remove "interrogation" and allow the "It looked like a government interrogation room" sentence to show Jamil's assumptions.
quote:He couldn’t see anyone behind the one-way glass
I feel the same way about "one-way" here as I did about "interrogation" above.
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i would like to read the rest of it. sometimes rocky starts lead to wonderful peaks. 13 lines is a frustrating cut off. plenty of writers need more than that to get going.
i don't know what the sharing conventions are here, but you can email me at waterchaser@msn.com
posted
On a second pass, two things stood out to me.
One, if I was locked up in a room of some kind for no apparent by the status quo, I would be a little more emotional than "I'm innocent". I might curse them first. Not that I've ever been locked up!
Second, if he's in there alone, does he need to look for comfort? Maybe he looks for a place to sit, or a way to escape, or maybe he looks for some kind of comfort that it isn't another person. Or maybe just say there was no one to comfort him, kind of emphasize his loneliness or despair. Maybe he sinks down to the floor in despair, knowing nobody is listening? Kind of like posting a blog to which no replies?
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I would read more, but you already know that.
