posted
Any onlooker would’ve thought that today was just like any other day in Alexandria, but they would have been wrong. These once blossoming metropolis streets were always filled with people laughing, children playing in the playground, and cars bustling from one side of town to the other; now the streets almost lay barren with only the occasional passerby. People seem too tense to walk the streets, apprehensive of others and always speculating their true intensions. Looking at the city one could not imagine how warm and embracing it really was, because of its cold metal exterior with towers scurrying into the sky for thousands of feet that were scattered all about the city like elaborate watchtowers; however, this city has always been known for its warm embrace its vibrant nature.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009
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You have not introduced any characters yet, so this reads like a history text book.
There are two different descriptions of what I assume is the same city, since there is nothing to say otherwise. I'm not sure how a city could be almost desolate, with people tense and suspicious of each other and still be considered warm and embracing. I'm also wondering how streets blossom.
Also, if the city has always been known for its warm embrace and vibrant nature, then wouldn't it be obvious to anyone looking at the almost barren streets and apprehensive citizens know that something was wrong?
So, with no characters to care about or be interested in, and with what seems to me to be conflicting descriptions of the same city, I would not read further. Sorry.
posted
Any onlooker would’ve thought that today was just like any other day in Alexandria, but they would have been wrong.(this first sentence does not work for a variety of reasons; first off, it tells me nothing and does not forward the story whatsoever. What does it matter that an onlooker would be wrong about what they see? second(ly) after this first sentence you begin to describe how it isnt like any other day, that in fact, things have changed dramatically. IMO - cut this first sentence and restructure for a more solid beginning) These (The) once blossoming metropolis streets were always filled with people laughing, children playing in the playground, and cars bustling from one side of town to the other;(use a period here instead) now the streets almost (<--delete "almost") lay barren with only the occasional passerby. People seem too tense to walk the streets, apprehensive of others and always speculating their true intensions (okay I start to get another problem here. I have no perspective. "People seem.." this is relating to someones opinion, most likely based upon what they knew previously of these people, yet we have no POV established. Who's eyes are we looking through, who is deciding there is something wrong? who's deciding these people are apprehensive, etc?) . Looking at the city one could not imagine how warm and embracing it really was, because of its cold metal exterior with towers scurrying into the sky (nice wording!) for thousands of feet that were scattered all about the city like elaborate watchtowers;(again, I don't see the need for a however, this city has always been known for its warm embrace its vibrant nature.
If we boil it down and condense it, what you are saying is - The city of Alexandria is not like the city it was before. I think your taking too much time to try and explain this to us. We need a little more of something to hook us too I feel. What happened to the town? what about a character to connect with, so we can see these changes through their eyes?
posted
Thanks for the input I will look at rewriting and adding a character to help add some perspective. Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Karl had a bird’s eye view of the streets of Alexandria from his office. He could see that the once blossoming metropolis streets which had been filled with people laughing, children playing, and cars bustling from one side of town to the other now lay barren with only the occasional passerby. Looking at the city one could not imagine how warm and embracing it really was, because of its cold metal exterior with towers scurrying into the sky for thousands of feet that were scattered all about the city like elaborate watchtowers. He could feel the tension people had; they had become apprehensive of other speculating their true intension. Karl knew that the city of Alexandra was not like the city it once was, and he feared it may never return to its once prestige’s position. He knew today was different.
posted
This reads as if it's first person narrative. If so, adding a character might be as easy as slipping in an "I" and adding some forward movement, as in, what is the "I" doing besides remarking on the changed city?
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I think your rewrite is a thousand times better. I think its still a bit "long winded"
"Looking at the city one could not imagine how warm and embracing it really was, because of its cold metal exterior with towers scurrying into the sky for thousands of feet that were scattered all about the city like elaborate watchtowers." This sentence doesnt really fit with Karl's POV. Karl could imagine, he's lived there and experienced it. It's an awkward sentence, and awkward sentences have a tendencey to take a reader out of the story...
IMO you could cut out all the middle. from "..now lay barren with only the occasional passerby. Karl knew that the city..."
posted
Here is another rewrite. Other characters will be added later on in the story so I do not want to make it a first person narrative. However, the story does follow this character throughout. Thanks for your feedback thus far.
Karl had a bird’s eye view of the streets of Alexandria from his office. He knew today was different. He could see that the once thriving metropolis streets now lay barren with only the occasional passerby. Karl felt that tension was high among the people; they had become apprehensive of others speculating their true intension. Karl knew that the city of Alexandra was not like the city it once was, and feared Alexandria may never return to its once prestige’s position. Karl could only wonder if the recent protest had been the root cause of the city’s dismay. Form his reports Karl could see that the protests had begun to pick up momentum. Originating in small no-named cities and now the protest were here in Alexandria.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
On only the 2:54 revision, and as always, only my opinions:
The first thing I notice when reading is the repetition of names. I'm afraid that's so distracting that I didn't get to a hook yet. My suggestions are:
The pronoun 'he' for the repetitions of 'Karl' after the first. Since there is only one character, the personal pronoun reference will be clear.
After Alexandria has been named in the first sentence, the last of the first paragraph could change: ...the city [of Alexandra-- delete, already named] was not like [the city -- delete, repetitious] it once was, and [add 'he', otherwise it reads like the city is doing the fearing] feared [ replace Alexandria with pronoun 'it'] may never return to its [change awkward wording 'once prestige’s position' to something like 'former prestige']
Similar use of pronouns in the second paragraph would help smooth it.
I also suggest replacing 'and' in the last sentence with a comma so the first phrase doesn't read like a fragment.
Another nit: 'From his reports' rather than 'Form his reports'--I make that typo every day.
From that sentence, I wonder whether Karl has some official position. He's getting reports and appears to have the concerns of a public official. If so, I think it would help define the conflict of the story to show that position and what stake he has in (or against) the protests.
A word-choice suggestion: "now lay barren" implies to me a total devastation--no buildings or plants--much worse than just reducing the number of people on the street. Perhaps a less extreme and more personal phrase would work better: "...see that the people of the once-thriving metropolis were cowering indoors." Could he see them doing these things? To maintain Karl's point of view it may be needed that he hears of them or they are in his reports.
"they had become apprehensive of others speculating their true intension" doesn't work either, but I don't get enough from it to come up with an alternative suggestion. Sorry.
The story moves a little now. There is a threat from protest and Karl is concerned in some way. I would want to know what is being protested on the second page if it can't be fit into the first 13 lines. I think Karl and his stake in the conflict are more important to the hook.
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however, this city has always been known for its warm embrace its vibrant nature. 
