posted
First 12 sentences. The beginning of (yet another)post-apocalyptic SF tale. Is this opening going anywhere for you? Suggestions?
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Condensation fogged the window panes of the cell where Selan had been doing research for her essay on historical linguistics. The tiny stove gave off just enough heat to keep the kettle steaming and the room slightly warmer than outside, where fierce winds and icy rains combined forces to make hazardous conditions for those caught out of doors.
The senior Librarian had summoned Selan to the Inner Study, where she was introduced to a shivering woman named Darla. Darla wanted a letter to her daughter, fighting in the War overseas. Selan knew the woman must be desperate indeed to endure the hostile weather and climb the long narrow stairway to the Library. She looked somewhat awed, as though in a place of worship in the presence of a ghostly higher power.
[This message has been edited by mizrobin (edited July 24, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 25, 2009).]
posted
To me, your beginning is descriptive heavy. I'd narrow it down to the problem at hand, which I believe to be Darla wanting this letter, correct? The weather, shawl, and tea can all take a backseat to that.
posted
The entire first paragraph does not belong here at the opening. Aside from the confusion of that “had been doing research” with the next paragraph’s “had summoned” which makes it difficult to tell which is the story's now, the description is of a place with nothing happening storywise. Story happens in another location in the second paragraph.
You could make that more active by showing it to us in story present time.
The senior Librarian had summoned Selan to the Inner Study, where she (the she here is a tad bit confusing – Selan or the Librarian?) was introduced to a shivering woman named Darla. Coming later after the read knows what is going on, the confusion would be less. Still, being absolutely clear is almost always desireable.
The senior Librarian had summoned Selan to the Inner Study, where a shivering woman named Darla stood with head meekly bowed. Ice was melting off Darla’s worn coat and shoddy boots, staining the Study’s carpet. “Darla here wants a letter written to her daughter fighting in the war overseas. I thought you might have the leisure to help her.” Selan bowed, hiding her irritation. She had hoped to finish her essay on the historical variations of the verb “to seek” today and get on to more useful work. “As you wish. Should we work here or in the great hall?” “The great hall? For a mere letter? Take her to your room, Selan. I dare say there is enough wood being wasted in the stove there.”
Poor, but it shows more about the relationship between Selan and the Librarian. The icy conditions and the woman, Darla, could then be shown in an active setting.
Just my opinion.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 26, 2009).]
posted
First 13 lines of manuscript format (10 point courier font), please. Not first 12 sentences.
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posted
Maybe start with a dialogue between the main character and Selan right after the initial description. Or you could write the purpose of the librarian's into the dialogue.
"I hate to interrupt from your discourse on {insert a language} and its influence on our culture, but someone has started burning our books again."
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give 'em farenheit hell!
