Original:

The carrier took the last turn towards the northern god-gate. The planks under Naya shifted and bounced as if the nails would come apart from the force, making her jump on the seat.
They would probably catch her soon. That man over the seat across had been glancing in her direction for a while. He would give her away. As soon as the carrier stopped at the god-gate, he would get off and talk to the guard, pointing at her. They would come and get her afterwards. Before she even had a chance to enter the gate.
You would not get away with two murders unpunished.
Naya gazed around the carrier. She probably need not worry about the mageclerk and the shaper controlling the carrier. The mageclerk had his eyes closed, whispering the prayers that

Revised 1:

The carrier took the last turn towards the northern god-gate. The planks under Naya shifted and bounced as if the nails would come apart from the force, making her jump on the seat.
Something was going to give her away soon. She knew that she could not get away unpunished after committing two murders.
She caught herself staring at her hands. The hands that strangled Ankur and Imar until their last breath. She had washed them for hours afterwards. Yet somehow as she viewed them now she could tell what they had done. If she could do that, why not someone else?
How did her face look? Like the innocent twenty year old mother she was two days ago, or like that of a ruthless killer she had become, who would not flinch when she took the lives of

[This message has been edited by Icared (edited July 17, 2009).]

I find the first two sentences confusing. On the first read through I thought Naya was the carrier (carrier as a title, not an object). Even after reading a few more sentences I didn't have a clear idea of what the carrier was. Maybe if you move the last two sentences sooner?

Also "You would not get away with two murders..." seems out of place. I'm not sure why. Maybe if it was re-worded to read "She knew she would not get away with..." or "You couldn't get away with...".

quote:

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You would not get away with two murders unpunished.

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Who is saying this and why?

Without knowing what your story is about I do have a suggestion how you should start this and where you may find a hook. Sentence two showed promise. Start with a dilemma then fill in the rest. Focus on Naya's bumpy, uncomfortable, and tense ride.

quote:

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Wham!
Another bump. The planks that served as Naya's seat shifted and bounced as if the nails were about to jump free. She wondered what shade of bruise her bottom side would have by the the time they stopped. She glanced at the man across from her again. He stilled stared at her with accusing eyes...

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Something like that. Start with your MC's discomfort and expand the story from there. Show your world, then fill in the spaces as you go.

Hope this helps!

I can't really think of any better word for the vehicle other than carrier. I was going to say transport, but that seemed a little bit more futuristic than I would prefer. Any other suggestions for a transport that is levitated using magic?

I think I am going to follow babooher's advice for the "two murders" line.

quote:

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Any other suggestions for a transport that is levitated using magic?

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