Emily left her former haven

The biggest issue I see from an initial read is that POV may not be consistent. I’m not the best guy on POV, but you seem to me to be trying for a reasonably deep 3rd person POV with Emily as the protag. However, the opening gives us a viewpoint outside of her perspective. You haven’t obviously flagged that it’s an omni POV, so you may be reducing the intimacy that you’re trying to create with Emily’s viewpoint. I’ve never been comfortable with doing omni well, so if you’re trying to use omni here, someone else may have to chip in with suggestions.

I don’t get the impression that the tone of your voice contradicts the events (it could actually be more interesting if it was light-hearted tone of voice for a brutal murder scene)…my main issue at the moment is the clarity and pace for what I think you’re trying to achieve.

My suggestions below:

quote:

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Emily's face was masked (it might be more direct to state “The darkness masked Emily’s face…” I’d put the description of the blood-splattered hall in a new sentence myself. This start makes me think you’re in omni or a camera-type POV as you’re describing Emily from the outside. We then gain access to her thoughts, but I don’t think you’ve established the omni POV sufficiently to do that. An expert on POV can correct me here though) in the darkness of the blood splattered hall; despite the blood that trickled down her heart shaped face, she was still at the murder of the man who fathered her (very wordy and the logic isn’t clear. How about a simple “she stood over the body of her murdered father?”) She looked down at his body, ravished by Stone who she had seen a glimpse of as he left his prey (again, very wordy. Something simpler like “She had seen Stone leave her father’s body…” gets the information across IMO).

She was alone and the thoughts (I presume the thoughts are grief. If so, I’d either state it directly rather than leave it open as to whether she has other thoughts or show the effect her sudden burst of grief has upon her) she had held off for a moment flooded her. She knelt next to her father, and knew she had to leave him there. She could not bury him. She was too weak to pull him and the closest thing she had to a shovel was a small sliver spoon (I’d probably cut this and say in the previous sentence “She was too weak to bury him”. I don’t think we need to know all the reasons she can’t bury him). She took the tattered plaid blanket she always tied around her waist , and covered him (suggested trim…btw is the fact it’s plaid an important detail that deepens our visualization? I think you could probably do without it ).
Emily left her former haven,

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Regards,
Nick

*edit* The joy of writing something as the original post is being edited. Sigh. Well, I hope something in it helps.

I figured you're trying for some level of an omni POV, but in the first line, I'm already confused about the orientation. We're looking at the scene from outside of Emily. The darkness hides her face, but it doesn't hide the blood. Why? Like Nate said, the description of the hall should go in a new sentence. That way you could clarify you show us around without the contradiction.

As for the shape of her face, I've read in multiple sources that to editors, "heart-shaped face" is an annoying cliché and should only be used in Comedy and Romance, if at all. Anyway, I think a description of a common face shape distracts from the mention that there's blood on her.