I expect this story to come in around 9000 words.

My question is would you continue reading?

to rip through the thick, scaled flesh – I think this is the point to name the tribesman as a jafran

more of his enemy’s blood – in situ this “his” could sound like it’s the jafran’s enemy due to the fact you’ve been playing fast and loose with the pronouns here

this is kind of what Swain was talking about with his MR units. You are trying to say it happens at the same time by using the “as.” But doesn’t it really go better that he finds he can’t hold it and then the drops the battleaxe? MR unit.

And then there are MORE pronouns. Some of which work but are confusing, again.

Also – just my opinion – I think this is too dense a paragraph (can’t quite pinpoint why, sorry) especially here at the opening. Break it up. Think of the MR units maybe.

As to would I continue reading? No, and not because of the confusing pronouns. You haven't given me anything to worry about? You haven't given me enough story or maybe background. The character of Stagrin isn't all that interesting nor is his problem -- beyond surviving the battle -- even hinted at.

The description of the fight isn't evoking feelings in me as I read it because I don't - yet - CARE. With characterization or a story question or just super elegant prose you've got to seduce me as reader into caring enough to read on.

To me, action starts like this seem to be self-defeating. Yeah, it's violence and action, but without any context or knowledge of the characters or motivations it just reads really clinical and cold. Yeah, someone is hacking someone up, but at this point who are we rooting for? We don't know either of them, so it doesn't really matter who wins, and that makes the violence impotent.

I think arriki and A-5 are on the right track. The sentences are a mouthful and the reader can't get grounded in your scene. I think you were trying to hook the reader with an eye-popping action open and attempted to make it as vivid as possible. That rarely works and this is why.

quote:

---

Stagrin ducked the swing of a battleaxe and smashed his mace into his opponent’s side.

---

Nail biting action translates better when the sentences are short. Fast-moving action works best in a frame-by-frame sequence. In this sentence you bunched in four different things that are happening separately. In an effort to get them all in one sentence you left important things out. Chop this up.

Stagrin ducked. The battleaxe brushed a hairs-breath past the crest of his helmet. Stagrin dug in his foot and swung his mace.

quote:

---

The long spikes dug deep evoking a bellow of pain from the invading tribesman as he fell to his knees.

---

Same problem here. evoking a bellow of pain is too much. The 'as' needs to go as well. Bust up the sentence and focus on one sequence in a single moment in time.

The long spikes dug deep into the Jafran's side. The invading tribesman bellowed and fell to his knees.

quote:

---

Pulling viciously on his mace he forced the spikes to rip through the thick, scaled flesh, spilling more of his enemy’s blood.

---

Careful of confusion. Say who is doing this. Pulling viciously can be shorten to one word. As far as the rest, cut the modifiers and add gruesome details.

Stagrin yanked his mace free. The spikes ripped through the Jafran's thick, scaly flesh, spilling his intestines onto the ground.

quote:

---

It was only his third battle but Stagrin had trained exhaustively.

---

Move this line after this one-on-one battle is finished, if you still feel it is needed

quote:

---

The downed jafran tried to strike with his battleaxe but found its weight intolerable as it dropped from his hands onto the ground.

---

I have an issue with the shifting POV. You could show this so it is clear that the mortally-wounded Jafran's strength is failing without telling us so.

The Jafran attempted to lift his axe. The handle slipped from his grip and the weapon fell to the ground.

The rest could stay but I would try to jazz up a couple of things in them. My examples are not grand but hopefully you can find them useful.

Good luck!

I don't know what MR units are. Exactly what book are you referencing?

We've been talking about MR units over in the OPEN DISCUSSIONS ABOUT WRITING area. Look for the topic - action internalization reaction.

I sort of knew this would get ripped for no hook or starting in the wrong place. This forum would probably rather I start with the next scene but this one is necessary for set up. Being the origin story for my villain I feel it needs to happen a certain way. If that happens to be a little slower pace than the thirteen rule prefers then so be it. I believe in the battle opening but I am seeing how I can improve upon it.

A lot of things are happening in a battle/fight. Too much for any one person to keep track of. A tight POV for one character is the key. What does he see? What is he thinking? Would he be thinking of Mom's warm apple pie while an orc is swinging a club at his head? Would the majestic wonder of a butterfly flapping his wings be an appropiate thing for him to look at that moment? Of course not, he would be dead. As he would if he takes to the time to admire the entrails that are spilling out on the ground from the enemy he sliced open.

Use the MC's pov as you would the zoom feature on a camera. Somethings you want a close up of and other times you want to try and capture as much landscape as you can in the picture.

Not an easy task but one worth trying.