posted
Philip Fortuna gazed in rapt fascination at the stranger in the street below him. While bustling currents of people surged to either side of him, the stranger alone remained composed and placid, seemingly oblivious to it all. His gaze fixed forward, the stranger walked in the direct center of the sidewalk, making no attempt to yield to oncoming pedestrians. Strangely, no one seemed to care. Not only did the stranger’s behavior set him apart, but his unusual clothing as well. Phillip could only describe his apparel as archaic, a coarse, hooded cloak of brown material with ancient-looking leather sandals. A long, golden chain with a jeweled charm swayed from side to side around his neck, glistening in the sunlight. All in all, the stranger’s appearance suggested a monk, though his wild, unruly brown hair seemed terribly out of place for a man of that profession. Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
What struck me was if the figure was walking down the street, how could Phillip process all if this information in an instant unless the man was walking really slow.
I must admit this did not hook me and I would be ambivalent about reading on. There is no interaction. It would be no different than seeing a odd cloud on the horizon without any indication of what it to come. It's a photograph, not a story at this point.
posted
I agree with Owasm - there is no involvement yet.
Also, in any spec fiction, you are also saddled with the problem of establishing what kind of melieu the reader should be picturing. You have said that the stranger seems out of place and archaic, possibly a monk, but I don't know what the rest of the world is like, so I can't place the stranger in (or out of) context. You need to establish the surroundings quickly; note a vehicle (wagon, Hummer) or establishment (The Dodge Saloon, FedEx office, Wayfarer's Inn) to help us quickly get our bearings.
posted
This felt too distant to me. Having his full name( or first and last name) be the first thing you read seemed too much like a device. As an excercise, I would recomend writing this intro from all POV. First write it in the first person, then from an OMni, then rewrite it from the close third which you have here. The biggest problem I felt this had was POV issues. It didn't seem to flow naturally.
My thoughts were to imagine the scene through the charaters eyes and perhaps it will come together better. I imagine the MC seeing the glistening of the necklace first then finding himself becomming interested in the stranger.
I will separate myself from the opinions of the other comments by saying that there is enough of a compelling element here to warrant turning the page. I find there to be enough of a hook in seeing a strange person, I just think it needs to be polished in order for it to be a great intro.
Welcome to Hattrack by the way. I hope my comments help.
posted
Why is Fortuna (a cousin to Bib?) above the stranger? Why so distant?
It seems like Fortuna is the odd man that perceives the stranger. It also seems like the stranger isn't getting jostled by the other pedestrians. Therefore, if Fortuna bumped into the stranger, it would mark Fortuna as special. He could look at who he bumped into and interact.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
