posted
Getting started on a new idea here. I know there isn't much action in this begining, but its not going to be a very fast past or action-oriented story. Thoughts about the begining are good and offers to read when finished appreciated.
Matthew stood behind the tool shed, looking up at the moon. It was full and bright and cast a pale shadow of him across the splintering side of the shed. Around it a veil of stars, some milky some silver-cold glimmered against the black blanket of the sky. The sight still amazed him. When he was little and lived in the city with his parents, the street lights had been too bright to really see the stars and even the moon was paled by their glow. Well that wasn’t really right; the individual lamps and lights themselves weren’t that bright, but there were so many of them, together their small glows grew together into a single glimmering mass. His stomach knotted when he thought of his parents. Gone
Version 2
Matthew stood behind the old tool shed, looking up at the moon. It was full and bright and cast a pale shadow of him across the splintering side of the shed. Around it a veil of stars, some milky some silver-cold glimmered against the black blanket of the sky. The sight still amazed him. When he was little and lived in the city with his parents, the street lights had been too bright to really see the stars and even the moon was paled by their glow. His stomach knotted when he thought of his parents. Gone now. Dead. And he hadn’t even seen them for months before it happened. Matt tore his eyes away from the sky and slowly, timidly
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited September 09, 2009).]
posted
Good open. Has some good imagery that makes me keep reading even though, as you said, nothing is really going on. You would need to have some conflict soon.
I think you have a POV issue with this: "cast a pale shadow of him across the splintering side of the shed" How could he see this if he's looking up at the moon?
This part didnt really add anything for me: "Well that wasn’t really right; the individual lamps and lights themselves weren’t that bright, but there were so many of them, together their small glows grew together into a single glimmering mass."
Unless this (the many lights growing together as one) is some sort of important thematic element, I'd cut it.
posted
I'm not to worried about the bit with the shadow...he would have seen it and been aware of it as he walked up or whatever and I like the sound of it as it is...although I am still glad to have it pointed out as POV is a tricky thing and the more of peoples thoughts on it I hear, the better my control of it becomes.
You're probably right about the other bit though, in the end it doesn't really add much.
posted
I like the second version. Your writing is clean and immediately immerses me in the setting. As for the comment that you need to have something happen quick, I think that that shows the flaw of the "first thirteen" rule. Very few readers are so impatient that they have to have to be "hooked" by the opening lines, and by that I mean have some BIG EVENT to catapult them into the story.(Not that that's always a bad thing*I like what you've done here. I like your voice. You put me right into the scene. That, to me, is more important than any "hook". Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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quote:I like the second version. Your writing is clean and immediately immerses me in the setting. As for the comment that you need to have something happen quick, I think that that shows the flaw of the "first thirteen" rule. Very few readers are so impatient that they have to have to be "hooked" by the opening lines, and by that I mean have some BIG EVENT to catapult them into the story.(Not that that's always a bad thing*I like what you've done here. I like your voice. You put me right into the scene. That, to me, is more important than any "hook".
It IS a hook, at least for you.
Your right that most actual readers aren't going to make a decision as to read on or not within just a few lines. However the philosphy about first 13s and "hooks" you find here on Hatrack has to do with editors and slush readers more than regular readers. Some...not all mind but some...slush readers/editors will choose not to continue reading a manuscript if they arent "hooked" or compelled by those first couple of paragraphs. The trick though is what constitutes a "hook" is going to be different for each person (slush readers/editors included.)
Thanks a lot for your comments, it seems I've achieved pretty much what I set out to do here...in the absence of action I'm trying to pull readers in via style and setting.
posted
You made my point better than I did. I don't have any problems with the first thirteen rule. I totally get it. I just don't think it's realistic to think that someone picks up a book, reads the first thirteen and says, "Nah." Robin Hobb would never have had a career in that case. Like you stated, the "hook" in your story isn't the action.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
Very nice opening, evocative. I feel immersed in the setting and connected to Matt.
Just a few nits/preferences in order of bugged-me factor: - “before it happened” – the nebulous “it”. Maybe before the funeral? The crash? The accident? - some milky and some silver-cold (or use commas) - “the street lights had been too bright to really see the stars and even the moon was paled by their glow” first time through I thought the moon was paled by the stars’ glow. A comma after stars would fix it. You could leave out the second mention of moon and stars and just say night sky (I’m not convinced that’s a good idea). - He "tore" his eyes away sounds so active, counter to his slow and timid movement coming up. A less forceful verb might fit the mood better. - “cast a pale shadow … across the splintering side of the shed” Are the other sides not splintered? It seems like calling attention to a particular side. Suggest: across the shed’s splintered side (I know, same thing but for some reason I like it better) or across the splintered/splintering shed? (Very minor nit.)
posted
I must say I feel I've hit some sort of pinnacle...or at least successfully tapped into an additional area of stylstic proficiency to have impressed you so, Mrs.Brown. You usually don't care much for my openings :-)
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
I'm afraid I'm unmoved and unhooked. I know that you say it isn't an action-oriented story, and I'm not looking for action but I m looking for some reason to read on and I'm not really getting it here. The closest thing to a hook, for me, is that his parents are dead, and the fact that he hadn't seen them for months before it happened implies that he's feeling guilt. But I don't know if that's going to be the story here - I don't know if []anything[/i] is going to be the story here.
One of the first questions to consider is "Why are you starting at this point?" The start of the story should generally speaking, be some kind of inciting event (e.g. him hearing bout the death of his parents, if that is the story). Somebody standing looking at something is not an event. Obviously there are exceptions (I'm sure there are examples of my own that could be quoted back at me) but... my overall feeling feeling from this opening is "let me know when you get to the story".
quote:You made my point better than I did. I don't have any problems with the first thirteen rule. I totally get it. I just don't think it's realistic to think that someone picks up a book, reads the first thirteen and says, "Nah."
The 13 lines is not about hooking a reader. It is about hooking an editor/publisher. Authors do NOT (in general) sell their stories directly to the public. They sell to publishing houses or editors of magazines, and that is the audience they need to target. Readers buy novels based on much more than the first 13 - they have cover, back page teaser, and the chance to dip in to any point of the text if they wish. Publishers/editors do not have these things. They have your words.
quote:One of the first questions to consider is "Why are you starting at this point?"
Because this is the point at which the story starts in my mind. There is an "inciting event" very soon after this (he sees someone fall from the sky) but for various reasons it did not feel apropriate to me to start immediately with that. I wished to establish a context for what was happening, and mood/atmosphere first.
Obviously, many were drawn in by that alone. Some not. Its just a matter of taste, so either way you do it, your not going to escape some liking it and some not, so instead of worrying I write whats in my head.
I realize you probably didn't intend the question to be answered but I prefer people to answer my questions and I prefer to do to others as I prefer to have done to me, so I answer.
Thanks for commenting. Edit: Just for the record, this isn't me not appreciating your input. Its just me honestly responding to your honest response.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited September 10, 2009).]
posted
It's interesting too though how my openings with a lot happening usually recieve comments about not connecting with my characters, and the ones focused on characters get comments about "so when does the story start" :-)
Never gonna please everyone so I dont see a lot of point in trying...I'm going to try and make each one the best it can be of what it is.
posted
No problem. It's good that you can answer the question. There's a lot of debate, and a lot f valid opinions, about starting with content vs starting with context - only yesterday I was re-reading an old story of mine that starts entirely with establishing context and character (it hasn't sold, though that may not be connected in any way) and only then hits the inciting element; it does this because the kind of character who is involved in the story is utterly integral to the nature of the story, but it may still be able to be handled much, much more effectively.
Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Well, its finished. I'm very unsure about the end though, and I also need a decent title. Some crits would be hugely appreciated. Can I get WIP replaced with 5,000 words please and thank you?
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
I think even editors can be drawn in by skillful creation of atmosphere in the first 13 - it doesn't have to be all about action. You almost have me feeling like I'm there, seeing through your protag's eyes. Is it cold? I can't tell from the description. The hinted at guilt at the end might be more appropriately worked into the beginning so we get into the protag's mood faster. Also, I'm not sure I need to distinguish between 2 brightnesses of stars - didn't add anything for me. Still, a good start. Willing to read if you want to send it.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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