posted
I'm not sure where this is going. I know people are going to say its to slow and not enough "character connection." Its coming from images in my mind that I'm trying to put onto paper and let them evolve a story as I go. It's going to be a very strange, vague story involving worlds within worlds, skies in lakes and oceans in skies. I know its not going to be most folks cup of tea around here, but I'd still appreciate thoughts, read offers etc.
Jiden watched, wistful, as the sleek, massive white shape swam through the air above the fields. A thrill went through him as fine white flakes fell from the creature’s broad tail and curved fins to sparkle into nothing just above the ground. The whale-god banked slowly as a jellyfish-island drifted into its path, pink-ribbon tentacles swaying and shivering in the currents. He pulled his gaze away and quickly finished the row he was weeding. Bright sun and warm air surrounded him. Laying down his hoe he went and cooled himself at the lake, bathing his feet and gazing at the bright-winged shapes that flew through its unfathomed depths. Slipping off shirt and sandals, Jiden slid into the
posted
I like your imagery. The descriptions of movement of the creatures above could be flying or swimming. If you're really going for the ocean in the air you could be more direct by mentioning the water. But if you want it to be more vague and revealed slowly this is a nice start. The clues are there.
I don't mind the slow start. I'm looking forward to finding out where it's going.
Since he knows that the big white critter is a whale-god, I'd suggest identifying it as such sooner for clarity.
His reaction to what he sees is pretty abstract (wistful, experiences a thrill). If there's a way to make it more concrete, I'd suggest doing so. What is he thinking that makes him wistful? What about the sight thrills him? Does he wish he could swim in the air too? Be somewhere else? Do something else? Has he done it before, and recalls and misses the activity?
Your a priori comments are accurate in that there is not much in that excerpt to connect a reader to Jiden. It's an interesting idea, but ideas can be tough sells without a strong character connection to pull readers in.
[This message has been edited by dee_boncci (edited October 04, 2009).]
posted
Wow! Sounds whimsical. Kind of like a Hiyao Miyazaki movie. As for clarifying things, you can begin to do that in the next paragraphs. This first thirteen has enough vivid imagery to hook readers, IMHO. Mysterious stuff.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
Cool. I was impressed with the imagery and it was more than enough to get me to turn the page. The concepts of a 'whale god' and enourmaous sea-life formations in the sky is a very interesting premise and I would like to see where this is going. Send it along if you like. I don't know how fast I can get it read but It should be less than a week.
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posted
A dynamic fable-like setting, kind of heavy-handed on the descriptive adjectives though. I'm not engaged, however. There's not much in the way of introducing a pending conflict depicted. Admiring serene beauty without an undercurrent of why it should matter to me doesn't immerse me in a story. If depicting the milieu represents a danger, a desire, a value, something immediate, unavoidable, and urgent, it might entice me to care more and want to read on.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Thanks everybody for your thoughts and comments...whatever some may think I DO appreciate them all.
quote:Your a priori comments are accurate in that there is not much in that excerpt to connect a reader to Jiden. It's an interesting idea, but ideas can be tough sells without a strong character connection to pull readers in.
Ehh...I don't think this is very accurate as an across-the-board statement. Not all readers have character connection as their primary requirement of a story. For some (like me) its not even in and of itself a big deal. The current trends are toward that, and probably the majority of people here on Hatrack are character-immersion-centered readers but it depends on the market.
Interestingly, although the images for this story have been in my head a long time (the whale for instance comes primarily from an anime series elements of which are inspired by Moby Dick) what made me decide to do something with some of the odd images in my mind was reading some stories on Fantasy magazine. Its a pro market. And yet, almost everything I've ever read on there is severely lacking in most or all out of: Plot, focus, resolution, clarity, character connection (at least for me.) Basically virtually every story I've read on there leaves me scratching my head and wondering what the bleep it was about.
So I decided to just write a story about the images and not worry about plot or making sense. Of course, almost immediately the story took over and has now gone in a somewhat different direction.
quote:Kind of like a Hiyao Miyazaki movie.
I take this as high praise. Now you mention it, maybe its Miyazaki-sama whose taking over my story...
quote:I don't know how fast I can get it read but It should be less than a week.
Its not finished yet, so no need to worry.
quote:Admiring serene beauty without an undercurrent of why it should matter to me doesn't immerse me in a story.
And likewise, I don't see why it needs a special reason to matter...but then I'm a big believer in things having intrinsic value in and of themselves.
Basically, what your saying in a more complicated manner is it doesn't interest you and you don't like it :-) If you liked it or it interested you, it would matter to you. If it doesn't it wont, its really that simple and some times I think we get too bogged down in trying to figure out why.
Theres no accounting for taste :-)
Edit: I do particularly appreciate you commenting, extrinsy. You've never really left comments on my stuff and I do always appreciate your well-informed points of view. Even if its unlikely I'll ever write anything you'll actually like :-)
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited October 04, 2009).]
posted
Eh, extrinsic, just ignore it. Doesn't he insist on spelling his character Hashi-to's name without the hyphen even though he knows the censor software will asterisk it?
Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Doesn't he insist on spelling his character Hashi-to's name without the hyphen even though he knows the censor software will asterisk it?
Um, you can know something but forget it. I type that name a lot, and this is the only place where it gets beeped. I usually don't realize it until after I post and I don't always have the time or inclination to fix it right away. Whats it got to do with anything anyway?
quote:Respect is a two-way street.
I give people nicknames based on their usernames, or avatars on forums with avatars as a way of showing affection. Much like snapper refering to KDW as Mrs. Obeyed, for example. No disrespect is meant and I'd think you'd be able to realize that from context, and I wasn't worried about it since you never said anything about the several times I've done it until this thread.
I apologize, but wouldn't it also have maybe been more "respectful" to email me and mention it, or have mentioned it before rather than saying something now in a public thread and acting as if I'm somehow trying to be disrespectful to you (which seems rather odd given that in the same sentence and many others, I was praising you.)
posted
Nicknames throughout my life have taken the form of insulting abuse, barely veiled hostility, and assertive patrimony posing as affectionate addresses. And yes, I've said it publicly because, respectfully, I don't care to be publicly addressed by a nickname ever, pseudonyms are another matter. I didn't metion it before because I wasn't certain that it was intentional. How would I know what the intent was, intentional or otherwise, when your is used instead of you're so frequently in your posts, as well as other grammatical flaws. A recurring spelling oversight seemed the least disrespectful cause.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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Um, context? Like I said when a person is primarily or solely saying complimentary things about you it seems to be a rather large leap to conclude they are intentionally being disrespectful by using a nickname. If it was in the proccess of a flame, fine but when its included in a thank-you sentence it seems a bit of a stretch to me.
quote:A recurring spelling oversight seemed the least disrespectful cause.
In my experience most people don't take nicknames to automatically equate with disrespectful intent. I'm sorry they've been negative for you most of your life, but I have no way of knowing that unless you tell me.
quote:when your is used instead of you're so frequently in your posts, as well as other grammatical flaws.
Sorry, everybody can't be as perfect as you. Feel free to ignore my grammatically offensive posts from now on, and I will avoid responding to anything you say in future unless you tell me otherwise.
I'm going to start a new topic for discussion of my first 13 and story. Kathleen please feel free to delete or lock this thread as you see fit.
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