posted
They took him down to the port end of the “Hub” as it was commonly called; a colossal place in the middle of what nature had clearly intended to be no place at all. A hundred and fifty years ago it had been merely a space station outpost between three star systems, a cold and dark harbor or beacon for the lost or desperate. But like many crossroad conveniences it had gradually grown into a center of meet and trade, and later a city as viable as any in the Union of Worlds. Brock had made a home on the Hub for the last five or six years, but for many of its two hundred thousand it was the only home they had ever known, having been born and raised within the many white residential malls of Angel City. They brought Brock to the Justice annex of Angel city hospital, a white walled clinic of only five or six rooms. Posts: 556 | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
First reaction: Too many uses of "or". Pick one option for most cases.
Second reaction: You start with "They took him..." followed by all the backstory and then return to Brock's present. While I really like the sense of place and history (cool, well done), it *might* be a better fit a little later on. I'm not sure at all. It might depend on whether this is a character story or a mileau story? I'm not connected to Brock yet.
Third Reaction: Who are "they"? And is it by force? (I expect you'll soon tell us why they're taking him.)
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 30, 2009).]
posted
They took him (Why not give us a name?)down to the port end of the “Hub” as it was commonly called; a colossal place in the middle of what nature had clearly intended to be no place at all.(This last sentence is EXTREMELY vague. "a clossal place in the middle of...to be no place at all." This doesn't give us anything. I know as much now as I did before I read this sentence - which is there is a guy in a place) A hundred and fifty years ago it (is this the "hub"?) had been merely a space station outpost between three star systems, a cold and dark harbor or beacon for the lost or desperate.(with the previous wording of this being a place "nature had clearly inteneded to be no place at all I am a little confused. By nature, I automatically pictured the out doors, actually a barren, rocky place since nature intended nothing to be there, not outerspace) But like many crossroad conveniences it had gradually grown into a center of meet and trade, and later a city as viable as any in the Union of Worlds. Brock had made a home on the Hub for the last five or six years,(is Brock the "him" from the first sentence? Is this from Brocks perspective? If so he should know whether he had been there for 5 or 6 years) but for many of its two hundred thousand it was the only home they had ever known, having been born and raised within the many white residential malls of Angel City. (Is angel City and the Hub the same? or is the Hub a part of the city?) They brought Brock to the Justice annex of Angel city hospital, a white walled clinic of only five or six rooms. (You have gone full circle and returned us to the first sentence here)
I agree with tchernabyelo; too much exposition/background. You only have 1 sentence of story here, Brock being taken to the Hospital, the rest is not related in anyway to this.
I found the backstory a bit confusing too and the poetic-ness of it rather forced (eg - a place where nature intended to be nothing at all).
can you expand on brock on the opening 13, as I assume thats who the story is about?
posted
I agree with too many uses of 'or'. Actually, you have a couple of other mitigating words that you could drop as well,'merely' and 'gradually'.
The second sentence is a mouthful. 'Space station outpost' seems repetitive.
Overall I'd say it's rather info-dumpish and you need to get to who and what the story is about more quickly. Give us the environment as you go instead of trying to explain it all at once.
posted
I'm going to side with the consensus here and say the explanation comes to early. I'd be more interested in the paragraph that starts with, "They brought Brock to the Justice annex of Angel city hospital."
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
If the “Hub” is important, I would go along with a little bit of description of it first. Nothing confusing. Ground – so to speak – your readers. Then start story. For example --- crude but can you see what I mean?
The HUB.
A hundred and fifty years ago it had been merely a space station outpost between three star systems, a cold, dark harbor for the lost and the desperate. Now to two hundred thousand [people? People and aliens? What?] its white residential malls were the only homes they had ever known. Trade fed them. The flow of goods onward kept the Hub’s life beating.
John Brock had lived there only six years before he was caught. The officers of the Hub forced him out of the scooter car and in through the white unmarked doors of Angel Quarter’s Justice annex.
Not really your story – I can’t tell what yours is going to be about. I just threw together a bit of generic story to show what I meant.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 01, 2009).]
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