posted
From where I stood I could see all Seven Lakes, seven links in a chain of clouded blue water beneath the larger clouded blue of the sky. The Fiorn rose up beyond, a wide knife tipped with snow. There was a rustling of darkness spread before me, a moving shadow along the wide green valley as clouds hovered overhead. I stood there, watching my homeland as the breeze nudged against my skin. I had washed the blood from my hands in a little stream in the woods behind me, and now I clenched my still-damp fingers, working the stiffness from them as I began the long descent home. There is something about the onset of evening here in Basvudel, a strangeness that comes upon you suddenly when you ride out of the trees and stare down into the bending valley.
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posted
Is it intentional that the character is so casual about the murder apparently committed? It's like, "oh yeah look at these nice clouds and lakes, I just washed blood off my hands, boy this scenery is really something..."
If that's a deliberate portrayal of the character's nature (sort of Hannibal Lecter-ish, which is cool), then ignore the comment. Otherwise, you could probably hold off on the landscape while the character deals with the aftermath of the murder.
The blood on the hands of course provides something to pique curiosity. In some ways it would be more intriguing if you hadn't followed up with a post telling us the source of the blood. Seems like a good start, and I'd only suggest getting to the crux of the story soon after the first 13--let us know who the character is and what's going on with the blood and stuff.
posted
Everything is intentional. As for his reflective mood, it's a part of his personality, a plot point. Who the murderer is and just who was murdered is what this story is about. Remember I just said that there has been a murder, not who had done it.
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posted
The narrator of THE BOOK THIEF is casual in that way and even takes time to describe the colors of the sky, but that narrator is Death.
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posted
Wasn't saying you had or the narrator is. Just saying that something that casual had worked well (I believe THE BOOK THIEF is a best seller), so it could be done again.
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posted
Thanks for the comment. I'm trying for something here. Not sure if I'm pulling it off. There's a certain type of mood I'm trying to set. I'll keep working at it.
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posted
Just my opinion, but it isn’t working for me. For one thing, that first paragraph is just too dense for me.
“The Fiorn rose …” How about Mt. Fiorn? It took the whole sentence for me to figure out that Fiorn was a mountain (am I right?) and that stopped me cold.
The second paragraph would work better – my opinion – as the opening. You don’t have a good segue from the first paragraph to it.
And the stare would work maybe the other way round like – Sorry, I couldn’t fit the strangeness in. That would – my opinion – require some explanation so I slipped in “peace” which didn’t. Same with the Basvudel – it needed to be a specific place when you’re riding out of the woods. It just didn’t make sense. Think about it. The way you have it worded it sounds odd. As if Basvudel is a tiny spot with only a wood to ride out of.
There is something about the onset of evening here in the Basvudel Forest, a peace that comes upon you suddenly when you ride out of the trees and stare down into the bending valley. Mt. Fiorn rises up beyond, a wide knife tipped with snow.
I stood there watching darkness spread before me, a moving shadow along the wide green valley. The breeze chilled my skin where I had washed the blood from my hands in a little stream in the woods
posted
Good points, arriki. This is fairly rough, and, admittedly, a little overwritten. I'll see what I can come up with. Thanks for all the comments guys.
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posted
A few too many niggly things in this is putting me off.
- The opening image is a little confusing. Seven lakes all linked together in a chain? In a circle, in a line, just together, what? The clouded blue water bit confused me in conjunction with sky. Are you saying you can see clouds reflected in the water, or just that the water is cloudy? - Until arriki said mountain, I had no idea what the Fiorn was. I assumed it was an actual giant knife, for a while. - I can't imagine 'rustling darkness'. Darkness has no substance with which to rustle. Maybe rippling darkness? - Does a breeze nudge people?
I didn't get any sense of muder. Far as I know, he could have killed a rabbit in the woods behind him and eaten it for supper.
This opening has an atmosphere. A kind of edginess that, if cleared up, could really work. But at the moment it doesn't quite hang together, for me.
I think bluephoenix has very cleverly nailed one big problem here. There's a lack of specificity around the key event that kicks the story off and that infects some of the description too. We don't know the nature of the key event and some of the description isn't as precise as it could be.
Even if your protag regards the murder as insignificant, I have to assume that the murder (whoever did it) is significant to the story. As such, it comes across as a little bit of witholding to downplay its importance while elevating the description. Even if his lack of reaction is key to understanding the protag, I'd probably like to see the event described with sufficient detail so that I can truly catagorise the protagonist by his lack of reaction.
posted
Thanks for all the comments. I wrote this after waking up from a nap (not joking) with a strange scene in my head. Less a scene than a feeling. I sat down and started writing. This is what came out. The description of the scene is intended to be from the character (goes without saying, but what I mean is it reflects his current state of mind, not written just to realistically describe the setting) Example: rustling of darkness doesn't literally mean that a shadow makes a sound, but only describes how he feels about what he's seeing. A strange perception. The Fiorn wasn't clearly described as a mountain because the character knows what it is, although tipped with snow was a big clue, and I clarify the fact in the next paragraphs. I'm not making excuses, though. Probably is a bit overwritten and unclear. Thanks for all the help!
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