I am still tinkering with the thing as a whole, it's just the opening 13 I'm a bit concerned about. It seems too vague, compared to how I normally write. What do you guys think?

Revision 3:

Joanna stared up into the trees, blinking against the snow.
‘But I-’
‘No buts, child,’ said the figure, smiling down at her from his perch in the oak. ‘Your bark would not hold even against the mildest frost – it is still pink.’ Joanna heard him chuckle, and watched as he swung down to a lower branch. She giggled.
‘I like the forest,’ she announced. ‘I’m going to live here someday, with all of you!’ A rustling of approval made its way around the nearby trees, showering her with fresh ice and snow. ‘See?’ she said, and brushed herself down. The man raised an eyebrow.
‘Perhaps not today, little sapling. Listen.’
Joanna frowned, then reached for the forest, like he’d taught

Revsion 2:

Joanna stared up into the trees, blinking against the snow.
‘But I-’
‘No buts, child,’ said a figure, smiling down her from his perch in the oak. ‘Your bark would not hold even against the mildest frost – it is still pink.’ He chuckled to himself, and swung down to a lower branch. Joanna giggled.
‘I like the forest. I’m going to live here someday, with all of you,’ she announced. A rustling of approval made its way around the nearby trees. ‘See?’ she said. The man raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly someone called Joanna’s name, the sound echoing through the forest. ‘Momma’s looking for me,’ she squeaked in her quiet little voice. ‘But don’t worry, Tree Man. I’ll be back soon.’ She smiled, shuffling forwards, and reached out a

*

Thanks for reading .

[Original:

Joanna drew the blanket closer to her chest. The falling snow chilled the skin of her face, melting across her nose and cheeks as it drifted gently down from the sky; her bare feet were white and swollen with cold, but she didn’t care. Her trees were so beautiful in the snow.

‘Joanna! Joanna, answer me!’ echoed the call of her mother, drifting through the forest. She sighed. It’d be time to go back, soon.

‘Momma’s looking for me,’ she squeaked in her quiet little voice. ‘But don’t worry, Tree Man. I’ll be back soon.’ She smiled, hobbling forwards, then reached out a hand and touched the trunk of a big oak. It was so warm. The heat seeped into her fingers, and trickled through her body, right down to her toes.]

On the critique side of things, the prose is crisp, a fantastical premise is hinted at, but not an introduction of a particularly engaging central conflict or bridging conflict to anchor onto. I'd want one to pique my interest pretty quickly soon thereafter, but getting called away from the scene of the hinted at fantastical premise suggests to me there's a diversion or digression coming up.

However, mom calling out to Joanna obviates the first instance of stating her name as the opening word. In other words, the narrator stating it upfront subtely and almost intrusively puts the narrator's viewpoint into the frame of the story, yet the rest of the passage is decisively depicted from Joanna's viewpoint.

The falling snow chilled the skin of her face sounded very strange to me. Why not just "chilled her face"?

melting across her nose and cheeks as it drifted gently down from the sky To be picky, this makes it sound as though the snow is melting across her face at the very moment it is falling from the sky. Apart from that, this could be trimmed as the reader doesn't need to be told the snow is falling from the sky.

she squeaked in her quiet little voice sounds strange to me, who else's voice would she be using?

Good luck with it and feel free to send it my way when you finish. I think I owe you a couple of crits.

I see your point about pov, extrinsic, and I am tempted to do away with the snow opening entirely and go for a more direct hook (solving both issues), but it doesn't feel right, somehow. If I come up with an alternative that I like, I will post it. Thanks to both for reading .

(For that opening bit, I had 'Joanna shivered, and drew the blanket closer to her chest. The falling snow chilled her skin, melting across her nose and cheeks as it brushed against her face, drifting gently down from the sky').

Joanna shivered, and drew the blanket closer to her chest.

Not sure about the comma followed by and. Why not 'then' instead or dump the comma. It seems an odd construction.

The falling snow chilled her skin, melting across her nose and cheeks as it brushed against her face, drifting gently down from the sky; her bare feet were white and swollen with cold, but she didn’t care. Her trees were so beautiful in the snow.

Your going for a delicate beauty with your prose but it is falling foul of not being thought through. It's like you've spent time selecting words and images that sound good together, but haven't considered the logic of the statements or images, so the reader stumbles.

1. The falling snow chilled her skin...

I immediately think how it can just chill her skin? My skin is me in terms of experiencing cold. If my skin is cold then ALL of me is cold. Your phrasing somehow plays down the experience of the cold.

2.The falling snow chilled her skin, melting across her nose and cheeks as it brushed against her face, drifting gently down from the sky...

This whole sentence seems logically mixed and is too much skin versus snow time. I think you have two choices here. The first is merely to talk about the snow landing on her face thereby implying it is snowing or secondly, have her watch it falling then feel it touching her face. The way you have it--snow touching her face, then her seeing it fall--would be how I would do it if someone was waking in the snow. Perhaps I am not making sense, but I know what i mean.

3...her bare feet were white and swollen with cold...

Things swell when they are burnt or injured, due to the extra blood flow directed there to aid repairs.

When stuff is cold, especially hands and feet, blood is directed away. It's why rings fall off fingers in the cold if they only just fit. In the summer your fingers swell and people can have difficulty removing rings they could get off in the winter.

‘Joanna, honey? Joanna, answer me!’ echoed the call of her mother, drifting through the forest. She sighed. It’d be time to go back, soon.

You should avoid exclamation marks whereever possible, as well as capitals, unless of course you can't. You can here. The context suggests or could be written to further suggest someone anxiously calling.

Who is she? The she is directly after a reference to her mother. It is nearly ambiguous--certainly I would change it.

‘Momma’s looking for me,’ she squeaked in her quiet little voice.

Is that how she thinks of her own voice?

‘But don’t worry, Tree Man. I’ll be back soon.’ She smiled, hobbling forwards, then reached out a hand and touched the trunk of a big oak. It was so warm. The heat seeped into her fingers, and trickled through her body,

Not hooked. Don't really know enogh about what is going on. The little girl doesn't really interest me, probably because you spent so much time on the snow and her skin and feet.

I must admit, you were bang on about me choosing things that I thought sounded good together. I guess I was just going for 'pretty' more than anything, but it seems to have done more harm than good. I did away with most of the snow rambling in the revision, and just had it tickling her nose, end of.

With the cold feet, I can only say that I swell up horribly in the cold, so I assumed it was a general reaction. I'll just change it to 'white and hard' or something.

I did away with the mother altogether, so that's dealt with.

Ha, nobody seems to like 'squeaked in her quiet little voice'.

I dunno, the consensus seems to be that the hook is not strong enough, which was my main concern. I suppose I could have a more direct input from the Tree Man, and change the magic a bit. I will have to think of something.

Anyway, thanks again. I'll see if I can whip this thing into shape with a second revision :S.

A story is more than 'pretty' as it must achieve certain things at certain points. I think you overdid pretty--a littel goes a long way--and could have used the wordage to other things too.

If you have suffered frost bite you will know you feet do swell up when they thaw--but then they are recovering.

That's why I don't get into little nondiscretionary stuff much anymore, the little things that seem awkward might be going somewhere I don't see that could be sublimely meaningful.

While you've lost some of the delicacy of your original piece you have gained alot (plot, characterisation etc.)

I have some nits:

1. There is nothing the shouts out that this is Joanna's POV--assuming you change the tree-man's first appearance from 'a figure' (she wouldn't think of him like that, so you are withholding his name).

‘No buts, child,’ said Tree Man, smiling down (at) her from his perch in the oak.

If you correct this witholding it could be either of their POV's.

I think him '...chuckling to himself...' makes me think she can't hear it--making me question if it's her pov.

2. With regard snow:

A rustling of approval made its way around the nearby trees.

In your previous version you mention snow a lot (it's nice stuff) and you could mention it here as rustling trees = falling chunks of snow, thereby painting a little more scenery in.

3. ...Suddenly someone called Joanna’s name...

If this is Joanna's POV then (as you point out in the next sentence she knows who it is) she wouldn't hear the shout as 'someone' she would hear it as 'her mother called...' or '...her mother's voice echoed through the trees, carried on the breeze...'. I would drop the 'suddenly'. Sound is faster than 'suddenly' it is instantly (when you notice it you have already heard it...I am aware of the speed of sound!). I try and avoid 'suddenly' (not always); it's an extra word and slows down the impact of whatever you are trying to be sudden about.

Mostly nits. Good job otherwise. You going to write this into a full story?

Haha, it's funny you should say that Adam, because I am dangerously close to finishing something! It is not this. This is being horrible and difficult. But if my current pace holds up, I should have a first draft ready inside a week. I'm sick of being the one with lots of half-finished stories and nothing concrete.

I'd like to read whatever you've nearly finished when your done--as long as it isn't trillions of words--I'm lazy.