posted
Thanks for your interest and help. I am glad to have found something in an opening that resonated with you all. I have tried to refine some of it. Now this is slightly less action packed, but I like to think that it might be more emotionally viable. Let me know what you think. New Beginning:
Caleb held his feverish one year old daughter Delilah close to his chest as the realization the Athletic Industries Department was coming to collect him began to set in. She was breathing softly in the arms of sleep as Caleb kissed her forehead, wishing her mother was still living. If things had gone differently his being summoned by the State to represent Earth in the Intergalactic Games would have been an honor. Instead, he missed Reporting Hour while waiting in the doctor’s queue for Delilah and now they were going to come arrest him like a fugitive. Caleb wondered if he would ever see her again, since only the winner of the Games ever came home.
Old Beginning: It felt like the world was spinning around his head as he held his one year old daughter close to his chest. She was sleeping soundly, but Caleb knew that soon her slumber would be interrupted by the State and her vicious Athletic Industries Department, as they came to take him away to represent the Earth in the Intergalactic Games. He kissed her forehead sweetly before standing in front of the couch, turning his back to the front door to his small studio apartment. A tear ran down his cheek before traveling the long descent to the floor. As the tear struck the floor, Caleb’s front door exploded inward, sending splinters ricocheting throughout the small space. Delilah began to wail.
Without the benefit of having really looked through the previous versions, my impression is that you’ve put in quite a lot of facts in the 1st 13. I think you’re on the right track in concentrating for emotional resonance, but there’s little too much information for my taste in the first 13 (mostly from “If things had gone differently…”).The reason behind the arrest can probably come thorough interactions with other characters,etc.
The first sentence seems overly long to me. I think you can probably get away with something like:
“Caleb held Delilah close to his chest as he waited for the Athletic Industries Department to arrest him.”
Other facts can be filled out as the action progresses from there. In this 1st 13, the thoughts that seem natural to me were his worrying about the impending arrest and whether he’d see Delilah again. I’d concentrate on these and let everything else develop a little more slowly. IMO “She was breathing softly in the arms of sleep…” doesn’t add enough over the simple “She slept” (or something similar) to justify the extra words.
posted
Caleb held his feverish one year old daughter Delilah close to his chest as the realization the Athletic Industries Department was coming to collect him began to set in
I agree with Nick T. This is too much info. You try to cover too many topics in this one paragraph.
What happened in the “Doctor’s queue” so that he’s now home alone with a very (?) sick baby? Knowing that he’s gong to be picked up?
How would it ever have been an "honor" to be selected - even if her mother were still alive - if only the winner returned????
It doesn’t make sense as you have it laid out here?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 19, 2009).]
posted
I definately like the newest beginning more than the original. I think you're moving in the right direction. However, I do agree with the previous posts: it seems like you are trying to pack in too much information.
His worry about his daughter is very believable. Maybe you could continue to focus on that in a "If only her mother was still alive and could have taken her to the doctor, then I wouldn't have missed the queue, now I'm going to be arrested and who will take care of her?" kind of way. (obviously not all in one sentence like that) The more specific information about the Games can come out later - just a mention of it now feels like enough.
posted
This is a definite improvement over the old one. However, I agree with the first poster that you try to cram a lot of facts into those first 13 lines. Unless this is meant to be flash fiction, it might be good to pick out the very most important bits of info and present them, while leaving some in reserve for the coming pages.
I might also just say "year-old" instead of "one year old", to make it flow more smoothly.
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