Mornings he was up and about before the day watch got out of bed. He checked everything that could be measured, reviewed the operational plan, and issued the orders of the day. Today, his orders would start up the production unit on Star Taker II and begin extracting the gaseous atmosphere of Titan. His confidence ran high. It wasn’t his first day on the edge; hell, he blew up the original Star Taker proving the concept. He hated the nickname “Boom” he acquired from that incident. He preferred to be introduced as Captain Maxwell Townes. Today, he would show his critics who was right. Today, he would become the richest man in the solar system.

They were watching him. Hovering around his mammoth extraction ship were thirteen vessels from Mars, two from Lunar, and eight

Also, you can ask if anyone is interested in reading the rest of the story, or if -- yes or no -- they would at least want to keep reading after reading your first 13 (which, as you have said, this isn't) -- and why or why not, or you can just get feedback on the 13 lines.

The first two sentences aren't necessary. They're the equivalent of,"the character got up, brushed his teeth and took a shower." I'd start with, "Today..." because that's the important part. Get to the meat of it right away.

"It wasn't his first day on the edge," - the edge of what? of success? of planetary destruction? of planetary salvation?

"he blew up the original Star Taker proving the concept" - What concept? So the Star Taker 2 extracts gaseous atmosphere. Why is it dangerous? What is his goal in doing it? Are we talking early steps to terraformimg?

The explanation of the nickname seems forced and comes off as a mechanism to give the character's real name.

Your last two lines in the paragraph are a good hook, but holding back the vital info above leaves me scratching my head wondering how the Star Taker 2 is going to make him the richest man in the solar system.

"They were watching him." is unnecessary and you can start with the next sentence. All those ships around him are like hovering news choppers, you know they're watching something interesting.

I would recommend focusing on what you're really trying to say in this section and make sure that information is clear.

All this aside, it seems like it could be interesting. If you're looking for readers I'll volunteer.

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and suddenly I realize how much of what is in my mind's eye remains unseen by the reader

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I think we all struggle with this, which is probably why we all benefit so much from critiquing and being critiqued.

BenM, your crit helps more than you can imagine. (Well, perhaps I shouldn't presume to know your imagination, huh? Damn cliches.) When I re-read the fragment, it sounded like some report to the board of directors. Info without art.

dee_bonnci, I think I will try to rewrite the fragment as the opening. As I confessed, it was plucked from the interior and was, BenM as observed, more exposition than a collar-grabbing "read this!" beginning to my story.

I have a feeling that "the edge" isn't referring to some titan-atmospheric phenomenon or location (though it could be, though if so it should probably be made into a proper noun: The Edge.)

Instead, I have a feeling that this guy is on the edge of either dramatic (richest man in the solar system) mind-boggling success, or world-ending failure.

So I have this vague feeling. Your job as a writer is to make it MUCH less vague. Make my heart palpitate with wondering whether Boom is going to go boom again, or if he'll make it out with the riches (suggestion: Make him rich eventually, but have everything go completely haywire first for the majority of the story. Then we have to see how he gets by on a combination of guts, luck, and experience. Through his actions/choices, we see what kind of stuff makes up this Boom fellow. Character is revealed through the choices they make...one of the long-held beliefs about fiction, although it's true in life as well.)

I didn't mind some of the vagueness of the details - "wasn't his first day on the edge", "extracting gaseous atmosphere of Titan." I read a lot of sci-fi, it often starts out like this. Just make things clear in the first page or two, I (meaning: this reader) will give you some leeway.

Agree with previous poster about the introduction of his full name, though I disagree about the intro of his nickname. Felt like a very natural way to introduce his name as boom, and helps address my issue of unnamed characters (a personal nitpick that is very difficult to address in first person stories.) I think you could just leave it at "he hated th nickname..." without the second sentence about his real name/rank. Have some schmoe in the hall call him Captain, or have his crew salute him or something if you need to indicate his rank. This can come later. It's pretty clear from the direction of this passage that he's in charge.

To that end, I suggest rewording the "today, his orders would start up..." Because the first time I read that I assumed his orders = the orders he was given by higher ups. It's not what you intend, though, because later I get it more clearly that he's the boss and HE's giving the orders. To make it clearer, you could avoid the use of the term "orders" which can be ambiguous, and instead use "order" as a verb. "Today he would order the start up of..." That also makes for a more active passage.

I think you have a good character voice already. Try to stay with that, stay in the MC's head, give us what he's thinking and feeling and doing. That's all great stuff. Honestly, the things that would improve this story are really just mechanics. A lot of people spend a lot of time seeking out a realistic character voice. I think you have it, you just need to get your words working for you instead of ... getting in your way?

I hope this feedback helps. As with everything, take what works, leave the rest.

Good luck to you with this piece!

Really appreciate your words about character voice.

I think of Boom Townes as an independent prospector who becomes the Rockefeller of his day -- a thousand years from now -- as resource-hungry humanity starts to realize it is stuck in this solar system. No rescue by aliens, no divine invention, no faster-than-light propulsion, we the people are slaves to our star. And, of course, time is running out. We are after all consumers, and we are consuming everything around us -- including Earth, the moon, nearby planets, and asteroids. They are just resources we consume at ever increasing rates as our numbers grow. Governments start bickering over resources, and all hell breaks out.

So, here's the second cut. (Kathleen, is there a-13 line burden, restriction, limitation, or requirement for re-writes?)

Maxwell Townes personally pushed the button to lower his patented laser casing into the gaseous atmosphere of Titan. His confidence ran high as he switched on the extraction unit. Methane, propane and other gases flowed into the casing and into the expanding cargo holds of Star Taker II as it slowly withdrew from the Saturn moon. Within a week’s time he amassed the largest hydrocarbon holdings of any person in the solar system. Hovering around his mammoth extraction ship were thirteen vessels from Mars, two from Lunar, and eight from Earth, including the biggest warship ever built; all with revenue agents on board. These governments were going to get their share, and Townes was going to get more than he bargained for.

FYI, I’ve only read the latest 1st 13 as I’ve come on board a bit late. My apologies if what I say repeats anything that has previously been commented upon.

My feeling here is that this is “bland” (in your words) because you haven’t nailed the right starting point for this story. While it’s hard to tell upon just the first 13, this seems to me to be background information well before the story actually starts. The clue for me is that you start with him pushing the button and then go “within a week’s time…”
I personally like to start stories just before something happens (often, when something goes wrong). The line “Townes was going to get more than he bargained for…” is a clue that something goes wrong for him so why don’t you try starting the story just before the disaster? The background can come out naturally as he interacts with other characters or through the judicious use of telling.

Taking the 1st 13 on face value, these are a few queries I had…as always, these are just my opinion:

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Maxwell Townes (1) personally (2) pushed the button to lower his patented (3) laser casing into the gaseous atmosphere of Titan. His confidence ran high (4) as he switched on the extraction unit. Methane, propane and other gases (5) flowed into the casing and into the expanding cargo holds of Star Taker II as it slowly withdrew from the Saturn moon. Within a week’s time (5) he amassed the largest hydrocarbon holdings of any person in the solar system. Hovering around his mammoth extraction ship were thirteen vessels from Mars, two from Lunar, and eight from Earth, including the biggest warship ever built; all with revenue agents on board (6). These governments were going to get their share, and Townes was going to get more than he bargained for (7).

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1. Purely as a matter of personal style, I like to establish how my POV character thinks of him/herself early on. For example, I’d write “Max personally pushed the button…” if my character thought of himself as Max. It’s a personal quirk of mine though, as it reminds me to take POV seriously.

2. “Personally” pushing a button is implied (it doesn’t change the meaning of the sentence if you say “Maxwell Townes pushed the button…”)

3. Will it make a difference to the reader if they know the casing is “patented”?

4. The fact that his “confidence ran high” isn’t really an understandable reaction without context. The way you’ve told us his confidence is high keeps us on the outside of the character; I don’t have much of an insight into why his confidence is significant or what it tells me about his personality. Some insight into the context of his confidence (whether through access to his thoughts or dialogue with other characters) would make him come a little more alive.

5. As noted in my main comments, this is a big time jump without a natural scene break. Some people can get away with time jumps, flashbacks, etc. but I know I can’t. You might be able to write this so it works, so take this comment with a grain of salt.

6. Bit info-dumpish. There’s probably a better way to get this across as the story unfolds.

7. This sentence makes it pretty clear that this is the author speaking rather than the character. While I see this work all the time, it seems to me that you’re trying to get us to identify with Maxwell through deep 3rd person POV (i.e. we identify with him, he’s the principle character and we get access to his thoughts and emotions). If so, I think that the “author’s words” takes us away from identifying with Maxwell. All of a sudden, we’re reminded that someone is writing this story rather than being lost in the moment and wondering what’s going to happen to him.

Quickly:
1)Good thought. Max thinks of himself as Max, not Maxwell. OSC’s Characters and Viewpoint arrived in today’s mail and I, obviously, can use a little better understanding of POV.
2)Duh! Could have saved that word. Good edit. I was trying to imply that “pushing the button” normally would be handled by a subordinate but doing so personally expressed the priority of the actor and revealed a leader who led by example. “Personally” just didn’t quite get that across. Puny word.
3) Yes. Property rights, both real and incorporeal, are central to my tale of the human desire to possess and use the resources of the solar system (and the exclusive means to exploit those resources) to advance their values and self-interests…and the eventual clash with others’ values and interests. Think about the logical extreme of the privatization of space. Suddenly, the UN declaration that the resources of space are the common heritage and patrimony of humankind comes into conflict with the private desire to exploit and benefit from those resources. Come to think about it, maybe this won’t happen and we’ll all live in a happy commune, sharing and caring. Evil, greed, and authoritarianism will be left on Earth; they are not part of who we are. [tongue nearly penetrates cheek]
4) Confidence does need context. I get to that later in the story. In my first attempt at 13 lines I inadequately tried to bolster the attribute by pointing out that he’d attempted this extraction procedure before, albeit with disastrous consequences. Max learns from that mistake and what he learns builds confidence.
5) Good to know that time jumps are a deal breaker for some people. Know thy audience. And make it easy for them.
6) This collection of government vessels is connected to the property rights enforcement issue (see #3 above).
7) I agree with your assessment. The author is definitely speaking. Too many years hanging out with advertising executives has made me too pitchy. Rather than getting deep into the character, I blatantly wrote an ad, pitching the story rather than telling the story. I suppose this type of writing is best used on the back cover of “the book” or the contents page of a magazine. (Sorry, I have to keep visualizing this story actually being published.)

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So now I need to step up and return the favor by offering my own thoughts on other’s work. I’ve been hesitant, since I don’t have a lot of confidence (see #4 above) in my writing, and knowledge thereof. But, I do like to read, so maybe I should start from that perspective.

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Roy,

Just grab someone's story whose 1st 13 intrigues you or who has offered a helpful critique, read it and say what you enjoyed and where you got bored/confused. The technical side will come later.

Nick