posted
Simon watched the screen helplessly as Rogers' cyborg snapped Bishop's joints like toothpicks. As his body lay twisted, Bishop screamed and moaned.
Simon covered his ears and pleaded with Rogers. "Turn it off!"
Rogers hadn't watched the hideous ritual, keeping his eyes on Simon. He didn't respond to Simon's request. He wanted the full horror to sink in before the "interview" started. After several moments, he turned down the volume, but didn't switch off the visual.
Then he informed the CEO, "I confronted Bishop with the dirty work he did for you." Looking at Bishop's body and the cyborg hovering over it, he added in a cold rage, "He was unrepentant." He turned off the screen and devoted his full attention to Simon. "You're next if you don't cooperate."
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 16, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by adamatom (edited November 17, 2009).]
posted
This is a bit gruesome. I'm not into gruesome. But I wanted to explore the idea of a very angry and fed up scientist who resorts to vigilantism to stop environmental destruction, to administer rough justice, and to vent himself.
In my scientist -versus- FBI agent story, the scientist resorted to interventionism, but tried to avoid harming people and had a public agenda to the point of a messiah complex. Here, I'm exploring the opposite. A scientist who operates in complete secret and very much wants to phsically mutilate people who are evil and callous.
He takes them to his "interview room," presents the case against them, and demonstrates the technology that will undo the damage their corporations did. Then he gives them a choice: Surrender a very large amount of money to fund his research and environmental restoration projects, ie, pay their "debt," or die a hideous death after watching the same happen to a close colleague.
posted
It works as a good hook, but it is a bit confusing. The first paragraph makes it hard to tell who's POV this is from, but we later find out it is Rogers.
Also the way the beginning starts out is not clear. That is, it is not clear at first if Simon is watching the TV while in the same room the cyborg is breaking Bishop apart, or if the cyborg is on the screen and breaking Bishop apart.
Because I learn best by exaple and always appreciate them, I will show you what I mean.
Roger pushed a button and watched Simon's reactions to what played on a screen. On it, Roger's cyborg snapped Biship's bones as if they were toothpicks. Simon cringed, and Roger could tell that he wanted to look away, but he didn't. The job must be important to him. More pops and snaps came from the speakers. Then Bishop's screams dulled to moans and sobbing as he lay twisted, his limbs at impossible angles.
So your first chapter could expand to something like that. It makes the POV clear. It makes it clear the cyborg and Bishop are on the screen. It also has Simon's reactions, which I think are important.
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited November 17, 2009).]
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