posted
My name was Sandra Cole, and I was a normal girl about to undergo the most devastating change in my life. I was prepared for it. It was something we prepared for our whole lives, but I was running out of time.
On Demi space station, I stood by the spotless toilet in the public test room, and stared at a small strip that was built into all female toilets. Sweat prickled on my upper lip and my hands shook. My gut wrenched, tying up in hard knots, followed by a sick feeling as if a doctor just told me he'd have to remove my legs.
Most women my age had seen their strips turn purple at least once. Goddess Demi, please don't let it turn black.
A pounding on the steel hatch startled me. "Honey, we got to go to your sister's change," Jack Sarah said.
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited November 15, 2009).]
posted
I have to be honest, my first thought while reading this is to laugh. Well, at least a light hearted smile...and I hope that is what you are going for because during the read-and the smile- I am thinking...is this a future or alien pregnancy test? lol
Reading through to the end I am thinking it is more of a molting/body transition portrayed with the same emotions of a teen going concerned about a pregnancy. Very intriguing if I am right.
Well written, the only thing that made me double-think the wording was the use of 'collected'. I understood the word and the sentence clear enough, but it did make me pause thinking that a more 'nervous' word could be used. Shaking hands, gut tied...they all had emotions tied to them but 'collected' seemed emotionless, industrial.
posted
The introduction of your character's name struck me as very awkward. I'd leave the name for now and introduce it at a more natural point. In fact that whole first sentence seems a little forced, as though you're trying to cram too much information in from the get-go. Perhaps something like "I was on Demi space station when the change was about to happen" or something like that.
With the seat down, I stood by the spotless toilet Sounds a little strange to me for some reason. I think it could be because you go from the "seat down" to giving us your MC's position.
a small strip that was built into all female toilets. How small and where is this strip on the toilet? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be picturing here.
Sweat prickled on my upper lip and my hands shook. My gut wrenched, tying up in hard knots, followed by a sick feeling as if a doctor just told me he'd have to remove my legs. Probably a bit much here. I'd cut this down a little, maybe lose the losing the leg image? I don't think it adds a lot to the scene.
Goddess Demi, please don't let it turn black I thought it had already turned blue? Or is she still waiting for it to change again?
The first paragraph reads ten times better without this modifying opening. May I suggest you work in this info in the second paragraph. Something like...
The toliets on Demi Space Station had clored strips...
posted
The reason "With the seat down, I stood by the spotless toilet" doesn't work is that the technically, you are saying that HER seat is down, not the toilet's.
Sara Genge recently sold a story to Asimov's on a loosely similar theme - "As Women Fight". If handled well, it can be a great idea, but you really do have to explore gender issues and what they mean within the world you're creating. It's not an easy subject to write about because it's an area a LOT of people have very entrenched positions about, as touched on in a thread in the main On Writing sectoin recently.
Right now I am struggling with what I want the main focus to be. I wrote 2,800 words, then realized I went the wrong direction, so I have to back up about 1,400 words and start again.
I want the last focus to be on Sandras' relationship with Jack after she turns male, that is into Cole Sandra. Most of them remain sexually attracted to men after the change, but she doesn't. She still loves Jack, but is not sexually attracted to him anymore.
So her manditory abortion, which makes her cursed, and her change in feelings toward Jack are the stories central focus. In the back drop, the space station was hit and the queen was abducted by Herac space station.
So right now it takes about 2,000 words to get to the point she thought she wouldn't get pregnant, but gets pregnant right before she is pronounced cursed, then three months into the pregnancy she starts to change into a male, so she must get an abortion mandated by the high priest.
I would need at least another 1000 words to deal with her changing into a male and the struggle of their relationship because she is no longer sexually attracted to Jack.
I'm not sure how it ends yet either.
I'm almost wondering if I should start the story where she is already three months pregnant and is starting her early change into a man, which means the high priest will force an abortion because the priesthood will never allow a woman with any masculinity to deliver a child.
I would have to then explain what is now the first 2000 words of the story, via backstory.
Maybe I will write it both ways and see which turns out best.
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