posted
This is from a "finished" piece of fantasy. It's going through revisions. Each chapter is one post, eight chapters now collected as Part I - 13,474 words in length. My goal is to make it a three part series.
After many days of wary and tiresome traveling, the ruined tower lay just ahead, a rumored treasure trove of lost and forgotten magical secrets. Rain pelted the two ragged voyagers, soaking them to the bone. The two metal shields of the smaller elf weighed him down, made it harder to walk. His limbs ached. Like a tortoise shell the metal banded wooden shields covered his small frame, more than once his makeshift shell had proven its worth. He turned and looked up at his brother.
“I see a tent below, next to the tower,” the taller brother said. He turned and tried to shield himself from the rain with his saturated cloak. “Shall we investigate?”
“Perhaps they have a fire,” the smaller, younger brother said hopefully. His thin spectacles were dripping with water; he
New version:
After many days of wary and tiresome traveling, the ruined tower lay just ahead of the two ragged voyagers. It was a rumored treasure trove of lost and forgotten magical secrets. The excitement of just how close they were was enough to make the two elves splash through the heavy rain, which now soaked them to the bone. The smaller of the two, Taryth, bore his twin shields. The metal banded wooden shields covered his small frame and weighed him down, made it harder to walk. His limbs ached. Fatigue was in the back of his mind however as he tried to scan the surrounding area of the tower. “I see a tent below, next to the tower,” said Kortisar. He held his cloak over his head to cover himself from the rain. A vain
[This message has been edited by g33ky monk3y (edited December 08, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 11, 2009).]
posted
Grabbed, no. But I was definitely curious and interested. I would read on.
I'm not into fantasy or I would offer finish it. I've critiqued some fantasy stories, here and elsewhere, but a 13,000 word fantasy story is way too long for a sci fi fan.
Your writing is fine. Clear and descriptive. Doesn't accomplish too little and doesn't try to accomplish too much.
posted
It didn't really grip me, no. You spent a lot of time talking about one characters shields, more time spent about the shields than about the character. Then when one of the characters "tried to shield himself" I thought he was using an actual shield.
I personally would like to have some names to attach to the characters. Surely the one character doesn't think of the other character as "the taller brother" or "the smaller, younger brother". I realize you are establishing their relationship and relative size, both of which I think are important, but still, give me some names. I think the last sentence of the first paragraph "He turned and looked up at his brother." is enough to convey their relationship and relative size at this point, all the relationship/size comments after this could be removed until they come out naturally in another part of the story.
The descriptions are good and well thought out. The whole scene just seems a little impersonal and distanced to me. I would read another page to see if it got better before putting it aside.
posted
Nothing in it grabbed me, to answer your question. It felt rather distant, just two nameless guys that came across a tower in the rain. Neither of them had a perceptible emotional reaction to the situation, and if they don't seem to care, it's tough for me to care.
Posts: 612 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
This is definitely a story I am attached to and would like to rework for others to enjoy. The first 13 lines thing is something I’m new to, it’s not easy. I like to set things up, describe whole scenes before I focus on a character. For these two it only got more difficult since they remain nameless for the whole first chapter. I know, weird.
Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I’ll try to fix it.
Some specific comments here and more general comments below.
quote:After many days of wary and tiresome traveling, the ruined tower lay just ahead, a rumored treasure trove of lost and forgotten magical secrets. { I would prefer this as two sentences* Rain pelted the two ragged voyagers, soaking them to the bone. The two metal shields of the smaller elf weighed him down, made it harder to walk. {I like this description, but it doesn't really flow from the last sentence* His limbs ached. Like a tortoise shell the metal banded wooden shields covered his small frame, more than once his makeshift shell had proven its worth. {should this be two sentences as well?* He turned and looked up at his brother.
“I see a tent below, next to the tower,” the taller brother said. {Why does the little brother turn and look up before the older brother speaks? This seems out of order.* He turned and tried to shield himself from the rain with his saturated cloak. “Shall we investigate?”
“Perhaps they have a fire,” the smaller, younger brother said hopefully. His thin spectacles were dripping with water; he
Overall I thought it was alright but I wasn't that engaged. Like a lot of people here I prefer to be introduced to the characters right away. I think you could do that here and still keep your description. Have something about after their long travels, they saw a tower, etc... And then have the description of what the brothers see.
Also, I prefer third person point of view and this seems to be omniscient. That's just my personal choice though.
posted
Tried a different version (posted above), going through the rest of chapter 1 now so it will synch up.
Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2009
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
