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Author Topic: 1st 13 of Thinking Amongst the Thoughtless
imperialcancer
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This story takes place in a not so distant future where the US has fallen from the perch of power, but the people of the US have no clue. This world is riddled with war, deception, and terror level warnings. This is a new beginning. Let me know what you think.

The High School Hub hallway stretched for eternity when Jonny’s eardrums reverberated that hated voice to his brain. His feet became glued to the cracked, tiled, floor. His breath caught within his chest as his bronchioles inadvertently closed. Bobby, the dreaded posse leader of the Jocks, was calling for him to pay his annual homage.
“I’m talking to you, you little Son of a Bitch! Get your ass over here now and maybe we will take it easy on you!” The muscle head snarled on Jonny’s six.
Jonny knew what was going to follow next. It had happened so many times before, but he had no choice except to surrender to his bruised fate even though his instincts told him to run as far away as possible. Jonny slowly turned on his heel, swallowing a rather large gulp.



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BenM
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quote:
The High School Hub hallway(1) stretched for eternity when Jonny’s eardrums reverberated (2)that hated voice to his brain. His feet became glued to the cracked, tiled, floor. His breath caught within his chest as his bronchioles inadvertently closed. Bobby, the dreaded posse leader of the Jocks, was calling for him to pay his annual homage.
“I’m talking to you, you little Son of a Bitch! Get your ass over here now and maybe we will take it easy on you!” (3)The muscle head snarled on Jonny’s six.
Jonny knew what was going to follow next. It had happened so many times before, but he had (4)no choice except to surrender to his bruised fate even though his instincts told him to run as far away as possible. Jonny slowly turned on his heel, swallowing a rather large (5)gulp.

Interesting, though I'm not sure there's enough here to hook me into being interested in this bullying victim.

1) The alliteration here drew my attention to it, and then I wondered why it was so important?

2) This sentence seems a bit long and awkward. The 'that' particularly confused it for me, because I didn't automatically realise 'reverberated' was meant to mean something more akin to 'translated' or 'transferred'. Overall it seemed unnecessarily wordy - if first thirteens have to grab me by the collar, then I expect first sentences should be at least as compelling. I see what you're trying to do with this opening, and I think the goal is good, but I think there is a simpler and much more emotive way to bring this across.

3) This attribution is probably not necessary, as the reader is going to assume it's Bobby talking (the narrator already said he 'was calling for him'). Furthermore, the snarled bookism may cause some readers to have to stop and reread the dialogue in the desired voice.

4) This seems too passive and/or like a little bit of withholding (what had happened so many times before?)

5) I'm not sure what bugs me here the most - the ambiguity of 'rather large' or of 'gulp' (gulp of what?). I know what you're saying, I just think it stops and wants me to think about it too much.


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g33ky monk3y
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There doesn't seem to be much of a hook going on here. Also, the title matches what you wrote, but your outline above the 13 doesn't. I thought I was going to read something more sci-fi related.
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