posted
Another completed serial short story from my blog. I can send a link to the finished story or email the whole thing. It ran for ten chapters, 14,705 words. Its a supernatural story, with some slight horror themes to it, and psychic battles with creatures. Below is only the first 12 lines, the 13th was the start of a new paragraph.
The two dark dressed men walked into the bar, the door swinging shut behind them, blowing old, half burnt and bent cigarette butts and torn pieces of beer bottle labels across the floor. Long, muted black coats hung down to their feet, flowing like smoke as they moved. The hands on the clock that hung over the bar precariously pointed at the twelve. Both men wore sunglasses, wrapping around their faces, closing off all traces of light. Their skin, shadowed by wide brim hats, seemed almost as dark as their clothing. As they moved, the shadows moved with them, always leaving the men clouded and bleak. Darkness seemed to trail behind them, and spread throughout the room.
posted
I am going to comment on this because I am assuming that you are seeking opinions on the quality of your writing. However, I would like to point out because you have posted the entire story on your blog it is in fact published, which makes it unmarketable.
Now let's see what you got...
quote:The two dark dressed men walked into the bar, the door swinging shut behind them, blowing old, half burnt and bent cigarette butts and torn pieces of beer bottle labels across the floor.
Not a bad opening line. Liked the visual of the things blowing on the ground.
quote: Long, muted black coats hung down to their feet, flowing like smoke as they moved.
Are they walking over wind vents on the floor? I am having a hard time imagining their coats flowing like smoke.
quote: The hands on the clock that hung over the bar precariously pointed at the twelve.
Cliched line. What so precarious about 12 o'clock anyway?
quote: Both men wore sunglasses, wrapping around their faces, closing off all traces of light.
Are they wearing motorcycle helmets? What kind of sunglasses cover that much of a face?
quote: Their skin, shadowed by wide brim hats, seemed almost as dark as their clothing.
Motorcycle helmet wearing men with cowboy hats.
quote: As they moved, the shadows moved with them, always leaving the men clouded and bleak.
Don't shadows usually move with the person they're attached to? It would be cooler if the shadows stayed behind because the motorcycle helmet with cowboy hats men were too scary to follow.
quote:Darkness seemed to trail behind them, and spread throughout the room.
Okay, two scary guys enter a bar. Been done before. If it wasn't already published I would have suggested that you rework this and tell it with someone watching the men enter the bar in their voice. I know you after an ominous atmosphere but I believe you went overboard. Scale it back, just a bit.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 29, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 29, 2009).]
posted
"The two dark dressed men walked into the bar" Pretty cliche-ish. Double cliché, actually. Try "The two identically dressed men walked in lock step." Identify the room as a bar later, when the darkness spreads behind them.
"dark dressed" Is this supposed to be "darkly dressed?" I'm anything but a grammar expert.
"blowing old, half burnt and bent cigarette butts and torn pieces of beer bottle labels across the floor." Very descriptive. But I would cut it. Doesn't add to the suspense or eeriness.
"Long, muted black coats hung down to their feet, flowing like smoke as they moved." I give up, what's muted black. I give up, how do coats flow like smoke.
"The hands on the clock that hung over the bar precariously pointed at the twelve." I assume you mean the clock is barely hanging on a nail. Again, descriptive but doesn't add to the affect you're trying to achieve.
"twelve." Midnight is cliché-ish but not a knockout factor if it's essential to the story. Needs a strong premise to overcome the cliché though.
"wrapped around their faces" I believe you mean "wrapped around their eyes."
"closing off all traces of light" Descriptive. Technically impossible for sunglasses to close off ALL traces of light, but given the descriptiveness, the reader forgive you.
"Their skin seemed almost as dark as their clothing." This scene must be on a planet full of albinos, because we've got lots of people on this planet with very dark skin. A whole continent of them.
"the shadows moved with them" I'm assuming you mean the shadows are some type of different entities, because shadows following bodies is self evident.
"leaving the men clouded and bleak." Vision is clouded, screens and windows are clouded, people aren't clouded. Situations are bleak, landscapes are bleak, people aren't bleak. I believe you're referring the space immediately surrounding the men.
"Darkness seemed to trail behind them, and spread throughout the room." If darkness spreads throughout the room, it no longer behind them, but everywhere. I believe you mean "Darkness seemed to trail them, and spread through the room behind them."
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I agree with snapper. First person would be more appropriate. An ally they are about to rendezvous with, an enemy they are about to engage, an equalizer who happens to be in the bar and decides to come to the victim's defense.
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posted
The sentences are altogether too long. It felt a bit tiring to read through the description, maybe they would feel better broken into smaller bits.
And the part with the shadows confused me a bit. A shadow always follows you. Did you want to achieve some effect by pointing it out?
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This is why I don’t like the idea of only posting the first 13 lines of a story. About half a page is used to fully describe these two supernatural men. Out of all the people that have read this short, I’ve never gotten responses like these. “Motorcycle helmet wearing men with cowboy hats.” How is a wide brimmed hat automatically a cowboy hat? As far as the description of the sunglasses goes, I guess I wasn’t very clear or it came off wrong. And “a planet full of albinos”? Thanks.
Thanks, Foste. I think you’re comments will actually help me. Yes, the effect I was going for is that these two men are supernatural in nature. All the shadows in the room seem to lead to or are drawn to these two men.
Also, I feel like I need to address that even though I did say this was a completed piece from my short story blog, I will most likely revise it. This story has already gone through two revisions since posting it. I’ve seen people write blogs and then get those blogs published, so I’m not sure I agree that by being on my site makes it “unmarketable”.
Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I’ll take a red marker and try to fix it.
[This message has been edited by g33ky monk3y (edited December 08, 2009).]
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g33ky, some of your consternation about the critiquing process around here might be alleviated if you did two things:
1. Spend some time in here. The discussions are a great tool to understanding how things operate around here.
2. Take the time to critique other people's writing. It is my experience (and I'm sure the experience of many others) that you can learn just as much from critiquing other peoples writing as you can by having your own stuff critiqued. Also, coming in and submitting six stories for critique without offering anything back to the community isn't a great way to encourage more people to comment on your writing. The critique process is a two-way street, and thus far you're only headed one way. Actually, even reading older critique threads can be instructive in showing how the process works here at Hatrack.
That said, keep writing! It's clear that you've got some talent, and talented people are always welcome around these parts.
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