The space port of Gish Bar Mons buzzed with coming and going. Rumors spun around the port in greater numbers than the moons of Jupiter. One rumor that came to the ear of Nolan Lane was of a swordsman that wore the jacket of an Imperial Guardsman. The man asked for Lane in the space taverns around Gish Bar. He was reported to be a sober man that carried an Imperial dueling saber.

The second rumor was of a first rate ship-of-the-line hidden

I'm going to have to have science in the background of the story. Is making a statement like "the Greek camp asteroid field that trailed Jupiter's orbit" to confusing? Does it pull away form the atmosphere of the writing? I don't want to get into explaining Lagrangian points for a swashbuckling space opera.

[This message has been edited by Jmsbrtms (edited December 13, 2009).]

" For Nolan Lane, the 12th Baron of Io, he SEES glory as only for keeping score. Nolan Lane PLANS on winning."

to

"he space port of Gish Bar Mons buzzED with coming and going. Rumors SPUN..."

I’d suggest dropping the whole first paragraph. It sounds sort of neat until I try to visualize what you mean.

Start with the spaceport and rumors. Much easier to visualize. Like –

The space port of Gish Bar Mons buzzed with more rumors than all the moons and moonlets of Jupiter. One rumor that came to the ear of Nolan Lane, the twelfth Baron of Io, was of a swordsman who wore the jacket of an Imperial Guardsman. The man had been asking for Lane in the space taverns around Gish Bar. He was reported to be a sober man and one who carried an Imperial dueling saber.

Now my question comes – how exactly is this paragraph above supposed to fit with the one that follows? It is not clear – yet.

That there was a second rumor Lane was interested in – that’s fine. But why, isn’t. And how does that fit with his interest in the saber guy?

There was a second rumor Lane took note of. A first rate ship-of-the-line had been glimpsed hidden in the (or just go ahead and say LaGrangian – most sf people these days know what that is) asteroid field that trailed Jupiter's orbit.

This is where I lose the connection -- This rumor was less direct, a friend of a friend rumor, that grew with the telling. Nolan set out to resolve the first rumor before the swordsman confronted Nolan at an inconvenient time.

You see? You mention this ship then have Lane set out after the saber guy without tying him and the ship rumor together somehow. Then we’re off into story realtime sort of, but actually a bit at sea as to what’s going on.

Just my opinion and a bit of messing with your details.