posted
Trying a new approach to an old idea. Whatcha think?
quote: Ben Hurtle lay curled on his couch listening to the faucet in his kitchen drip toxins into the sink. His mind could visualize the moisture forming on the rim and building to one side as the droplet stretched until it broke and fell into the overflowing cup among the pile of dishes within. He didn’t need to view it to see it any longer. His nose saw it for him. Antimony trioxide one reeked as it fell. Barium and copper was in the next. Each droplet was unique from the touch of man; faint traces of pollutants and the masking agents the water department used in a pitiful attempt to deal with them. It no longer amazed him that he could pick them out among all the chlorine, nitrates, and fluoride that filled every drop.
1. Why would each drop be different? The travel down the same pipes and are treated in the same way, they would consist of the same chemicals in the same proportions.
2. His dirty, unwashed crockery would stink more, yet it isn't mentionned.
3.His mind could visualize (He visualised...) the moisture forming on the rim and building to one side as the droplet stretched until it broke and fell into the overflowing cup among the pile of dishes within (within--cut). He didn’t need to view it to see it any longer (clunky--He no longer need to see it).
4.His nose saw it for him. (Huh? Noses don't see! (As you know--but I think this doesn't work. It's clunky.) You have shown him seeing it--no point telling us now.
posted
I'm afraid this isn't doing much for me. Jaded man smelling pollutants.... His keen sense of smell could be a hook but it's too lifeless at this point.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Also he'd need a reason to know all the names of the chemicals. I didn't know the chemicals in water, neither do I know what chemicals are in dog s**t, but I know the smell.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 21, 2010).]
posted
I liken it to a man hearing voices in his head and dealing with the psychological impact of it as it slowly drives him crazy. Ive already looked at the beginning but when you have it completed feel free to shoot it to me for a full read.
Posts: 710 | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
It seems what is lacking here is a sense of conflict. The fact that he is so pestered by this situation implies a sort of false conflict and somehow taints the way I look at the character. As it stands I feel detached from him. He has that cranky comic book hero syndrome where he hates his gifts although they make him save the world. I might suggest you consider a starting point in which his skill is being used for a beneficial purpose. It may portray the character as more likable.
Otherwise, I liked the writing although there were some minor quarks one of the posters before me touched on.
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