Version 2 -- Tweaked

Industrial, paranoid music thumped like a chainsaw being smashed apart with a sledgehammer. Everywhere the meth zombies twitched to 120 BPM, pretending to hear the music and getting lost in the gaping psychosis of each others eyes. Boys dancing with girls; boys dancing with boys; girls dancing with girls. The noise and crowd was all too much, my head hurt.

I grabbed Kimiko by her wrist and dragged her through the crowd, avoiding the swinging arms and legs, out through the door and into the Tokyo night-chill. The bouncer, a gorilla with grafted biceps and the neck of a drill-sergeant, glanced at us with cavernous eyes brimming over with stimulants. There was the whine of an illegal exoskeleton hidden under his shirt as he relaxed back into position – apparently we were not a

Version 1 -- Original

Music thumped with industrial, paranoid sounds like a chainsaw being smashed apart with a sledgehammer. Everywhere the methylamphetamine zombies twitched to 120 BPM, pretending to hear the music and getting lost in the gaping psychosis of each others eyes. Boys dancing with girls; boys dancing with boys; girls dancing with girls. It was all too much, my head hurt.

I grabbed Kimiko by her wrist and dragged her through the crowd, avoiding the swinging arms and legs, out through the door and into the Tokyo night-chill. The bouncer, a gorilla with grafted biceps and the neck of a drill-sergeant, looked at us with cavernous eyes brimming over with some stimulant. There was the whine of an illegal exoskeleton hidden under his shirt as he relaxed back into position – apparently we were not a

[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited February 03, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited February 03, 2010).]

quote:

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It was all too much, my head hurt.
Music thumped with industrial, paranoid sounds like a chainsaw being smashed apart with a sledgehammer. Everywhere the methylamphetamine zombies twitched to 120 BPM, pretending to hear the music and getting lost in the gaping psychosis of each others eyes. Boys dancing with girls; boys dancing with boys; girls dancing with girls.
I grabbed Kimiko by her wrist and dragged her through the crowd, avoiding the swinging arms and legs, out through the door and into the Tokyo night-chill. The bouncer, a gorilla with grafted biceps and the neck of a drill-sergeant, looked at us with cavernous eyes brimming over with some stimulant. There was the whine of an illegal exoskeleton hidden under his shirt as he relaxed back into position – apparently we were not a

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The setting gives the SF element pretty strong. Hmmmm, besides the little change i made,i can't see nothing wrong with it. Perhaps it's not as "hooky" as it could be, but i could be wrong, these are just the first 13. If you want, you can send it over.

I thought there were maybe too many words in the first sentence. "Sounds" to me seems a bit generic and weak. Maybe if you tried something like - "Industrial, paranoid music thumped like a chainsaw being smashed apart with a sledgehammer," it might be more immediate? Forgive me messing with your words.

I also felt that methywhassitsname was a very long word to throw at us, and "meth zombies" might get the idea across slicker.

It is hard to work out what is too much for the MC at the end of the first para, and maybe it is late for us to know the POV by then. You do set up a great tone and the images are strong, but maybe they would be stronger if we knew who was watching them right up front. Is same-sex dancing a mindblowing thing in your sci-fi Tokyo BTW?

"Some stimulant" sounds a bit dry and not very streetwise.

The writing is great, no cliches or much excess. I felt that the POV you are writing in, although 1st person, is still slightly distant. You could slip in how things impact (I hate using that word) the MC - a word or two on how the "night-chill" feels on his/her skin, perhaps, or whether the bouncer is a threat - I have no idea if the MC is worried by the bouncer's initial "look."

Is look a vivid enough word BTW? Could you use scanned, or stared etc?

Genre wise, I would expect cyberpunk. I would expect from this, a young male MC, too. The voice seems very clear. A lot of my nits are to do with the distance from the action of your MC, so maybe this is a deliberate choice for the personality you are working with. If so, please ignore my crits!

And of course, ignore anything that doesn't go with your idea for the story. Hope some of this is interesting.

Dame