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Topic: revised work

schooner
New Member
Member # 8967

posted

Good evening, folks.

I want to thank-you for honest, but fair reviews.

I revamped my story: "The Experiment."

How does it look now?

The Experiment

High pitched screeching woke Duncan Edgar from his reverie.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Dr. Edgar.” said Tanya. “Everything seems to be a go.”

“Seems to be – what do you mean?” queried Duncan Edgar.

“Tang was edgy earlier today, but he has since calmed down.”

“Oh, really,” said Duncan. “What was he doing?”

“Well, Tang was banging about in his cage for about forty-five minutes.”

Duncan hesitated. “He seems quiet now.”

“Yes,” said Tanya. “He has been quiet since about ten this morning.

“That’s good.” Duncan nodded in approval.

Giving the ape a sedative would have raised its suspicions, and

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 11, 2010).]

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2010 | IP: Logged |

NoTimeToThink
Member
Member # 5174

posted

It reads a little clinical and remote - so far I find no reason to care about the characters.
Duncan is interrupted by high pitched screaming, but we don't know anything about where the screaming is coming from (is it just Tanya?), and after that initial mention, Duncan doesn't seem to care about it, even though it was enough to get his attention.
Tanya's "Everything SEEMS to be a go" misleads Duncan (and the reader) into thinking something is wrong, but it isn't.
Sorry, I'm just not getting into it.

Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007 | IP: Logged |

tchernabyelo
Member
Member # 2651

posted

The dialogue feels stilted to me.

And I'm not convinced this is the start of the story. The screech is still unexplained and may or may not be the inciting incident.

Generally, a story begins when something change, and continues until the change is resolved in some way (be correction or acceptance). This is a gross over-generalisation, before anyone points this out - there are plenty of exceptions. What I'm not seeing here is the moment of change that leads into a story. Nor am I seeing enough interest in other areas (character, setting or writing style) that would llow me to compensate for that lack.

Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005 | IP: Logged |

Nathaniel Merrin
Member
Member # 9002

posted

schooner, I think your dialogue is great! Maybe fill in with a bit of description or maybe thoughts, to make it even pop more?

Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2010 | IP: Logged |

Nick T
Member
Member # 8052

posted

Hi,
I agree that the starting point for this story doesn’t seem right and the scream seems disconnected from everything else. Why doesn’t Duncan react?
If something goes wrong in the experiment (which I presume it will), how about starting just before it goes wrong?
I agree with Tchernabyelo that the dialogue is a bit stiff. What struck me about the dialogue is that it is all in agreement…how about injecting some more tension into the dialogue by having Tanya not giving him a straight answer (i.e. she doesn’t really answer the question or she is antagonistic)?

Regards,

Nick

Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008 | IP: Logged |

Merlion-Emrys
Member
Member # 7912

posted

I think taking the information presented in your first version and changing it into dialogue might work well. Theres some small chance of "as you know Bob" but I think this is a context where that actually makes sense. Have her deliver updates on the latest experiment or whatever.

The current dialogue is a weensy bit generic and bland but I think weaving that information, and a bit of characterization into it will help.

Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008 | IP: Logged |

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