posted
If anyone would like to read the rest of it I'd be much obliged. It is rather short only 680 words. It just feels like its missing a little something, but I'm not sure where to go with it. I'd greatly appreciate input on either the 13 lines or the whole thing.
quote:I can't get over the look on Mum's face, just before I pulled the trigger, the shock, then the hurt, the realization that she was far too late and finally the panic. The nurse is prattling around asking me the stupidest questions and I'm so tired. Do I know my name? What is two plus two? How many fingers is she holding up? I think I can feel the bullet sticking out of the side of my head but I don’t want to think about that. She was so shocked, surprised when I abruptly left her side; I don't think it even occurred to her that her beloved daughter was a traitor. Of course I had never believed and mum never asked me if I did. Mum took it for granted that since it made so much sense to her that everyone else must know the same 'truth'.
posted
1) The first paragraph had me thinking the MC shot her mother. A suicide attempt didn't occur to me, so I went through one of my mental whiplash events when I caught on in paragraph two. Suggest you change the first sentence to avoid confusion:
quote:I can't get over the look on Mum's face when I put the gun to my head, just before I pulled the trigger,...
2) The "She" at the start of the 3rd paragraph stalled me while I tried to figure out if "she" was the nurse you were just talking about in the 2nd paragraph, or Mum from back in the first paragraph. Change "She" to "Mum". 3) The 3rd paragraph is a bit unclear - you mention traitor, and I wonder "to what?", then you talk about truth and beliefs, so I think you're referring to religion, in which case you might be better served with "heretic." Maybe that is clarified later, beyond the first 13.
I think points 1 & 3 are partly a result of feeling like you're withholding from the reader.
Overall, I do like the voice, and the disoriented feel I'm getting from it.
posted
I agree with NoTimeToThink, but I was also confused by "Of course I had never believed and mum never asked me if I did." Is this a matter of faith or religion? It seems like a non sequitur to the sentence before.
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posted
Great suggestions across the board, I've implemented them, and it does make it significantly clearer; I'm going to sweep through the rest of it and see if I can make similar changes. Thank you so much!
quote: I can't get over the look on Mum's face when I put the gun to my head, just before I pulled the trigger, the shock, then the hurt, the realization that she was far too late and finally the panic.
The nurse is prattling around asking me the stupidest questions and I'm so tired. Do I know my name? What is two plus two? How many fingers is she holding up? I think I can feel the bullet sticking out of the side of my head but I don’t want to think about that.
Mum was so shocked, surprised when I abruptly left her side; I don't think it even occurred to her that her beloved daughter was a heretic. Of course I had never believed and mum never asked me if I did. Mum took it for granted that since it made
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2010).]
posted
Urgl...man, I tend to avoid stuff like this - not my cup of joe, but since i read it might as well offer my two cents:
1) It's very...graphic for me. Nonchalantly in-your-face graphic. Maybe ease into it a bit. Putting a visual like that in the first line may (will) put off a lot of reader. Heck, I've already pretty much decided against reading just from the first line.
2) I know first person does a lot of telling but rather that saying something explicitly like "gun against my...". try an excecise: try not mentioning 'gun', but let your character describe it so your reader can figure it out.
Ex: "I felt the cool edge of the barrel against my temple...the tips of my fingers were sweaty, making the trigger slippery...I barely remember the sounds, the screeching of the springs, the loading of the chamber, the grinding of metal against metal, the last sounds I would ever here...before-" No word 'gun' used - but you know what's happening(I hope).
3) the third paragraph is where I got lost, things like 'heretic' and 'i never beilieved' are given but with no context. It needs more specific details
Hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by billawaboy (edited March 24, 2010).]
posted
Hi, The second version is much cleaner. What I might worry me if I was a slush reader is whether you were going to use a lot of backstory to explain how the protag got to that point. My guess (which I can’t be certain about with only the 1st 13) is that you may have started this story too late. The inciting incident is typically the moment which forces the protag’s stable life to change and I’m guessing the suicide attempt is actually an action after the inciting incident, i.e. something changed in her life (it might be as simple as deciding she couldn’t take it anymore, which is a change) and she reacted by attempting suicide. Since attempted suicides don’t happen randomly, starting with the aftermath of the attempt may force you to backtrack to explain how we got to this point. I don’t think backtracking to explain is fatal depending on where the story takes place. If the story mostly then takes place in the past, I think the third paragraph is fine, since the bulk of the story becomes a flashback. However, if the story mostly takes place from the moment in the hospital onwards, you may have the wrong starting point, depending on how often and for how long you use flashbacks. In my opinion, we don’t need to know much about who the protag was in the past, just enough for the present moment story to make sense (i.e. you might be able to get away with only the lines you’ve used and that’s enough information to make sense of who and why for me). Alternatively, you could probably get the same information across in dialogue between mother and daughter, eliminating the need for flashbacks in the first place. As such, I believe the immediate flashback is what makes the third paragraph disorienting to billawaboy. I don’t think it’s fatal, depending on where the rest of the story takes place and how you use back story. Some minor suggestions on the text itself:
quote:The nurse is prattling around asking me the stupidest questions and I'm so tired
. The irritation of the protag is probably implied by the use of the word “stupidest”, so I think you could cut the bolded section.
quote:I think I can feel the bullet sticking out of the side of my head
I’m having trouble visualising how a bullet could actually “stick out” of someone’s head, which implies to me it’s like an arrow. Do you mean “I think I can feel the bullet lodged in my head”?
quote:Mum took it for granted that since it made
Typo I presume.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited March 25, 2010).]
I've decided that I agree with you since, the story isn't actually a suicide story. I can't seem to come up with another way to portray the story without making the first 13 lines look like a suicide story, and this approach turns off a lot of people. I don't like suicide stories myself because I find them disturbing and depressing so this whole exercise has been completely against my natural inclinations.
I wanted the story to be a short story since this one scene is really the meat of the story, but I think I'll try writing out more of the back story and seeing if I can start it from another point rather than this particular one.
Again, I do appreciate the feedback from everyone.
posted
If this story is about surviving a suicide attempt- or apparent attempt, you could stay with your initial opening sentence. It seems to me that the character wants a powerful reaction from her mother and the writer the same from the readers
You could go with something like this-
I can't get over the look on Mum's face when I pulled the trigger. There was the blinding intense pain of the bullet tearing from temple to temple and I never believed the report would be so loud. But I held it back to savor the expression of shock and horror it produced. Then the excrutiating overcame me. But it was worth it, even the stupid prattling of the nurse
I don't know what the story is about or even if an opening like this could work for it. Just throwing out ideas
posted
I appreciate your suggestions. I'm a little unsure here, since I'm so new to the forums can someone help me out? How much or little are we allowed to say about our stories? Can I explain the premise for the story or is that saying too much?
posted
tngcas, you can say as much as you like about your story. A synopsis or outline isn't going to count as publication, so a description of the story won't count either.
The 13-line rule applies only to the actual text of the story.
posted
Thank you Kathleen, I'm not sure where someone found such a diligent forum monitor but if you know where there are more like you...
Right then, my apologies to everyone for not explaining sooner.
This story is called 'mind shield' because it's about a cult leader who is causing people to commit suicide by taking over their minds and the authorities are so desperate to figure out how he is doing it that they convince this kid to have a device implanted into his head that will allow him to survive long enough to explain what happened. I wanted to tell the story from the point of view of him 'explaining' what happened after the fact but I was trying to preserve the 'I'm in shock' feeling of the moment.
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