The window pane was hot against her forehead, but Jasmine kept it pressed against the glass. The world outside was sulking. The year's first wave of fallen leaves were motionless on the lawn, and not even the balloons tied to the mailbox swayed. Everything seemed to just bask in the sun. It was too damn hot to move.

Downstairs, Jasmine could hear the muffled sirens of teenage girls, drove away from the games set up in the backyard in favor of air conditioned fun. She wondered if anyone had noticed that she was missing yet and ended up doubting it. Her friends knew how to have a good time; that's why they were her friends. Hers were the kind of friends who brought fun with them wherever they went, not the kind who waited for it to

[This message has been edited by redapollo9 (edited March 02, 2010).]

First off I'm noticing a lot of passive voice, just about every sentence has some form of passive voice. This is making it difficult to understand what is happening because the description of the happening is coming after the event...

For example, the first sentence The window pane was hot against her forehead, but Jasmine kept it pressed against the glass. I had a hard time understanding what "it" was in this sentence without re-reading from the start again. It is also unclear why she is performing this action.

When I continue into the second paragraph I see more references to the weather and I get that the main character is a teenage girl. But that's it. The first thirteen seems to be used up to make sure the reader really understands that it is hot out, the main character is a teenage girl, and she is bored. Personally, I think starting out with a bored character sets the wrong tone. There's nothing driving me into the story yet.

One final nit The world outside was sulking doesn't really mean anything to me. I would assume this meant it was cloudy and The Cure was blasting down from the heavens.

Hope it helps!!

I like the description at the beginning. Any description that gets me to feel something physically (the hot glass against the forehead) is a good way to draw me in. That alone would probably pull me along for a page or two.

I wonder if in saying "The world outside was sulking", you are also implying that Jasmine is sulking, too. I suspect she is - this is probably her birthday party, but she's upstairs by herself staring out the window. If so, you should say it more directly. We don't know anyone else is in the house (or that the party has started yet) until the 2nd paragraph. Maybe you should also move the sound of the girls earlier in the story.

There is nothing yet that shows me a fantasy element other than your intro. I would expect to see that soon, or I would lose interest.

The biggest concern that I had personally was the lack of a hook. The MC seemed easily sympathized with, but there was no real indication of a speculative event or any real sense of conflict. So what has happened is that, while this is a Fantasy story, it appears to be a somewhat mundane situation involving a teen and her view of her friends.

Ultimately, I feel that the reason for this is because the story was started in the wrong place. You will hear us talk about the story's inciting moment. The moment in which something(an incident) happens that changes the MC in some why, thus propelling the story.

There are many links to books that handle this subject, so I will convince myself that is alright for me not to be lazy and post them all, But there is a series called "Elements of Fiction Writing" OSC wrote on in that series titled "Characters and Viewpoint" But there is another "Plots and Structure" that deals with the 'moment of incitement"

Best of luck. I will be glad to have a look at this if and when you are finished and or looking for readers.

But, it's too passive and too slow. There's no hook for the reader. You, the author, knows how this all fits together but the reader doesn't have a clue. So, there needs to be more in order to hold the reader's interest.

This doesn't mean you have to sell the farm and ruin the plot, but you need in engage the reader. They need to buy-in to the story.

Here's an idea. Sally is having a fun day with her friends, but before the sun rises tomorrow, her life will be dramatically changed forever. But for the moment, all she cares about is whether her friend notice that she's missing.

That way the reader's interest is peaked about what's going to happen to Sally, and they'll read on. The reader has to care about what happens to Sally or they'll lose interest. When you go fishing, you bait the hook, right? Fishing and writing may have more in common than we may want to acknowledge.

Good luck, Bob.

For me, the voice is enough to get me through the 1st 13 and would probably carry me a fair way before I started looking for something more. Probably the main reason for this is the good use of sensory detail (hot pane of glass) which other people have picked up on.

Having said that, this may not be the right starting point (I can't say for sure though) and some excess wording could be removed without changing the meaning of what you've written. I'd also get deeper into POV. The voice could probably carry you a fair way. I'm not too concerned about the passive voice structure at this stage, though I'd probably notice it if you continued to use it.

quote:

---

The world outside was sulking.

---

As per the other comments, I don't think "sulking" is the right metaphor for the hot, still day you're describing. I'd associate "sulking" with an overcast day myself.

quote:

---

The year's first wave of fallen

---

quote:

---

Everything seemed to just bask in the sun.

---

quote:

---

Downstairs, Jasmine could hear

---

The window pane was hot against her forehead, but Jasmine kept it pressed against the glass.

Another Oldsmobile.

Five more minutes, Jasmine said silently, Dad will be home soon.

Muffled chatters from the party downstairs rose up through the floorboards. "I wonder if anyone's noticed I'm missing," she thought, noting that it was probably not normal to ditch your own birthday party.

Her skin tingled as she looked for cars that seemed they were about to turn onto her street.

Any minute. My map will be here any minute.

A loud cry rose from downstairs as a popular song started to play. Jasmine's friends knew how to have a good time; that's

More speculative, intriguing and active?

I'll have to have a think about whether you've lost your voice in the re-write; I suspect you have. For me, the greatest attraction of the 1st version was that you evoked the suffocating weather through some pretty skillful description. Your big challenge is keeping that scene setting while also having the hook (i.e. having something happen, which was sort of missing from your first version). The 2nd version has a little more happening, but for me you've probably lost the voice.

I haven't actually read OSC's "characters and viewpoint" book which Bent Tree (and everyone) recommends, but I suspect it covers the use of deep 3rd person POV, which is what I think you may want do here. If I'm not wrong (and someone will correct me if I am), deep 3rd person seeks to eliminate barriers between the reader and the protagonist as much as possible, while still staying in the 3rd person. You've mixed devices such as "she thought" in with direct thoughts from the protagonist and I'd probably stick with one or the other. I personally prefer deep 3rd person without filtering devices. Using deep 3rd person, a slight rewrite of your 13 (changes in bold) would read as follows:

quote:

---

The window pane was hot against her forehead, but Jasmine kept it pressed against the glass.

Another Oldsmobile. Five more minutes. Dad will be home soon.

Muffled chatters from the party downstairs rose up through the floorboards. Had anyone noticed she was missing? It probably wasn't normal to ditch your own birthday party.

Her skin tingled as she looked for cars that seemed they were about to turn onto her street.

Any minute. My map will be here any minute.

A loud cry rose from downstairs as a popular song started to play. Jasmine's friends knew how to have a good time

---