posted
________________________________ Version 1 - revised ________________________________
________________________________ Version 2 - coming soon ________________________________
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This story is complete, but is a first draft. I'm looking for a few readers who find the first 13 interesting enough to read more to look it over for me.
Axe
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited April 05, 2010).]
posted
1) It isn't important to me that the shaman rode an elevator to the 91st floor. Should it be? Seems like an unnecessary detail. 2) Consider switching around and combining the 1st 2 sentences:
quote: The Shaman sensed the birth of a General, and searched relentlessly for three years until he found Thorne.
3) When Thorne glances at his parents, I can't tell what look they have in their eyes. Shock? Pride? Fear?
posted
Hi NTTT, I tried to accomplish two things with the 91st floor sentence. One is that we're on an alien world and we're in a big city where common folks live that high up. I don't believe people live that high up here, right? Maybe I should make it higher? Or remove it and deal with it later, (as I do with other references).
I like to start my stories with the main character's name. Someone here once said "start with a character with a problem." I'd like to think someone "finding" someone would be considered ominous or negative without them having been lost. Maybe not?
As for the parents, I debated that a long time. I don't know if a three year old would recognize fear in his parents eyes. Especially if he's not seen it from them before. Or I could just put it in there and let "reality" take a back seat for the sake of the story.
posted
Axeminister, I agree with you about the 91st floor thing. Without that sentence, I think you'd create the impression that this is pure fantasy. Instead, you have the shaman juxtaposed with the technology of the 91st floor. I know that shaman doesn't technically mean someone from a less technologically advanced society, but to these Western eyes I think there is an association between shaman and low technology. This juxtaposition is what I found most compelling about your opening.
I think the opening tries to tell too much. Tone and atmosphere are curtailed in order to allow exposition hiding as dialogue.
I also think the last two lines seem weird. Maybe its the use of gasped or because it is cut off, but I kept trying to read this as Thorne's mother gasping in response to the words of someone else, but grammatically that didn't happen.
If the story is going to be about the three-year-old Thorne, his parents, and the Shaman, then yes. But this has an uncomfortable taste of being prequel to the real story of Thorne's adulthood (I think because Thorne is the only one here who gets an actual name). If your story is about that, don't start here.
The conjunction of Shaman and elevators to the 91st floor is a good touch - sets a tone that we are somewhere strange.
The actual writing feels slighlty off to me. You have a three-year-old "glancing" and seeing an expression "he'd never seen before" - that's way too much awareness for a three-year-old. You also have the "gasp" of the mother, which frankly is a pretty cliched moment, particularly as she is "gasping" three coherent sentences (unless it's actually the father who's saying that, but the way it's written indicates it's the mother).
I'm afraid that the combination of these issues is such that, despite the hints of promise, I wouldn't read on.
I'd echo tchernabyelo's concern and I'd also ask whether you intend to start in omniscent POV and drill down to limited third person (or free indirect). If the story is about three year old Thorne and it's from his POV, then the language isn't right. He's noticing events in a way that adults notice events; I'm not sure three year olds are good at explictly recognising tension and fear the way you've depicted. I'd suggest a three year's perspective would indirectly pick up tension rather than explictly note it; we'd have to read between the lines to understand what's happening.
If you're using an omni-POV (which is suggested by the "searched relentlessly" from the shaman's POV and then changing to Thorne's POV), then I'd ensure we're clear it's omni up front. I'm personally not fond of omni in most short stories; I think the benefits only outweigh the drawbacks in pieces with a lot of characters.
posted
It's too... easy. It has the feeling that we simply barge in, grab the new general and press on. We've been waiting for a thousand years. Only the most dedicated followers would even care after so much time unless the coming of a new general is a constant part of their culture.
The parents would want to know why the shaman is coming for their son. After all, this general thing is just a myth, right? Like the Easter Bunny.
The Shaman should have more anxiety. This is an event he and his order have waited one thousand years for and the event is 32 years late, which has never happened before. It's my feeling that if you work these elements into your opening, it would have more impact. Since the birth of this era's general is 32 years late, he has to take over as a 3 year old? That would be a big complication and fit with this opening
posted
The only thing I have to add that hasn't been mentioned yet is the use of dialogue to communicate exposition. The mother, having just found out her son has been chosen for (I assume) a great honor, would not start out by announcing that they are 32 years overdue for a General and that one only comes along every thousand years. That is important context for the story, but I suggest working in the information some other way and making the mother's reaction more realistic.
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I assume you are paralleling the divine birth similar to the selection on new Dahli Llama's, so in a sense I can see where the parents would understand why the Shaman is there. However I found the rushing to explain how smart he is, and the discussion of a new general and the gasping thing to be an odd juxtaposition. If they knew the legend wouldn't they be concerned from the start. Also do they know the Shaman by sight, which begs the question why are they surpised by the later revelation of why he's there. If not, why are they volunteering information about their son to a stranger. Sounds interesting, I would be willing to take a look if you desire.
posted
all very good points. I get that it is a "alien world". It's just not alien enough. Perhaps if the "shaman" had to "find the chosen one" say 3 miles in the sky would give you the exotic sense you're looking for and no confusion compared to anything in our reality.
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posted
Hey everyone, Thanks for your input so far. I'm currently absorbing and modifying. Nick and Utahute, I will send you my modified version in a day or two. I appreciate your offers to read this.
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