posted
Here goes, getting my feet wet. It's a completed story, about 3,000 words. Feel free-- I have thick skin . If anyone would like the whole thing, I's appreciate it!
If Lyndsey Bell were to be asked what she wanted most, at that very moment, she would have say she wanted the empty power drink bottle that was lying on the side of basketball court. It had just been drained in a few vigorous gulps by one of the young men on the court, then pitched to the side. It was a peculiar want considering that Lindsay had been living on the streets for three days, fifteen hours and some odd minutes— which had been three days, fifteen hours and some odd minutes of fear, dejection and hunger. A big Mac would have been more appropriate, maybe a piece of sausage pizza with a Big Gulp on the side? But, no, Lyndsey wanted that empty plastic bottle.
posted
This opening has a very detached feeling to it. My question is if she wanted that bottle so much, why doesn't she simply pick it up? Another is why is it so important to know Lyndsey Bell has been living on the streets for 3 days, fifteen hours? Perhaps it would make more sense if you shortened "...Lindsay had been living on the streets for three days, fifteen hours and some odd minutes— which had been three days, fifteen hours and some odd minutes of fear, dejection and hunger" to "Her new life living on the streets had been three days of desperate fear and hunger" or "She was exhausted after three days of fear and hunger living on the streets".
In place of "...at that very moment, she would have to say she wanted the empty power drink bottle..." try "...she would have said she wanted that empty empty power drink bottle..." and see what you think. Changing it to "would have said" feels more certain and using "that" instead of "the" feels more focused.
I do get the feeling that Lindsey is focusing on the bottle to push away the crushing reality of her situation and so the detachment works. The last two sentences seem off a bit, but I can't figure out why.
It's a good place to open
[This message has been edited by MistWolf (edited April 12, 2010).]
posted
Thanks-- you're right. I wasn't happy with the beginning, and I most certainly will use your sugestions when I tighten it up!
Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
Wait, don't lose that voice! Be wary of editing too soon. I am trusting that you will get to a place for use to settle in and see exactly what is going on really soon. I like it. If you want readers, send it my way. ~Sheena
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posted
I agree, don't lose the voice. Just tighten it up. I should have been clear that if you're going for a detached feeling, it's working. It shows a numbness that's settled in as a result of the ordeal
Posts: 18 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
You say she's been living on the streets for time X, which was time X of fear and hunger. So that strongly implies she was afraid the moment she started living on the streets - which seems entirely reasonable, though you don't really specify wheher she's afraid of life on the streets, or of something that drove her to it - but also implies she was hungry the moment she started life on the streets, and that doesn't work for me. I'm also not sure the precision of time is helpful, unless it is in some way relevant.
There are certainly elements that intrigue - why DOES she want the bottle? - but you're settting up a lot of possible directions for this story to go, even in the next paragraph.
I'd read on, but I would want to get a tighter grip on at least some of the questions, and thus an idea of where this story might be going, pretty soon.
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