posted
If you could comment on these first thirteen; do they hook you, do they not? I'll be working on the rest of the story, hopefully I'll have it done soon.
Joktan sat in the same spot he always had, waiting as he always did. He could see the figure toiling in the dusty distance and he sighed. He was not the one, Joktan knew already. But he would come, and try, and fail like the rest, and Joktan would continue to wait. Wait for the one to come who would not fail.
The figure drew closer, and Joktan could see that it was a man. Staff in hand, bag and spear slung across the back, red cloak tucked into the belt, beard. At least it wasn’t some young adventurer. The young ones always wanted to fight, no matter how patiently Joktan explained that wasn’t how the test worked. They usually argued until Joktan sank them in earth up to their necks and left them that way for a few hours.
posted
Okay, I’m very new to critiquing things, so take this for what it’s worth. Overall I really liked this. I wanted to know what task so many people failed at. Especially the end captured my attention, how he dealt with unruly folk. That alone would make me read a little longer to figure Joktan out. I was momentarily confused at the start when I thought the person toiling was working in a field or something, not toiling toward Joktan. Also, I first thought the ‘He’ as in ‘He was not the one’ was referring to Joktan, not the approaching figure. That may just be my own lack of imagination. Nicely done. Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Wetherby, I like the beginning and would like to read on. I have an image in my mind of the final scene in Conan the Barbarian of Arnie sitting on his throne, sword at his side, crown on his head - waiting.
Which brings me to my crit.
Set the stage a little more clearly for Joktan. "sat in the same spot" doesn't tell me anything visually. dusty distance gives me a little but what is a dusty distance? An old west town with tumbleweeds or a desert? If a desert, see if you can work that in straight away then have the figure toiling through the waves of heat emanating off the dunes. Now I've got a solid image and an oppressive feeling of heat in only two sentences.
The figure drew closer, and Joktan could see that it was a man. Try: As the figure drew closer, Joktan could see it was a man.
This slight alteration changes it from being slightly passive, to more active.
posted
I was a bit confused about this because of your pronoun usage (I get pick on this a lot, but yours really confused me).
Allow me to break it down.
1. "Joktan sat in the same spot he always had, waiting as he always did. He could see the figure toiling in the dusty distance and he sighed." Who sighed, the figure or Joktan? I think we can assume Joktan, but the antecedent isn't clear. Replace the "he" before "sighed" with Joktan and the problem is fixed.
2. "He was not the one, Joktan knew already." This is where I really got confused. Who was not the one, Joktan or the figure? I truly thought Joktan wasn't the one. Yeah, I figured it out after re-reading it, but you got loosey-goosey with the pronouns and I had to re-read.
Either I suck at reading, or perhaps the pronoun-antecedent relationship should be clearer.
As for axeminister's comment:
"The figure drew closer, and Joktan could see that it was a man. Try: As the figure drew closer, Joktan could see it was a man.
This slight alteration changes it from being slightly passive, to more active."
I would suggest an even stronger cut. If you look at both paragraphs (and the previously mentioned pronoun/antecedent entanglement) you've already assigned a gender to the figure in the first paragraph. Therefore, you can just write "The man drew closer."
Finally, I find it odd that I created an image in my head that you didn't write. Seriously, axeminister is so right; you have little setting. I was intrigued and would think about reading more, but you need a setting.
posted
Good opening. I would read on. However, a couple things bothered me.
Firstly, "The young ones always wanted to fight, no matter how patiently Joktan explained that wasn’t how the test worked" In the middle of this sentence, where it says: "explained that wasn't" Do you mean: "explained that it wasn't". I couldn't figure out if you were aiming for the first one or the second one.
(I usually don't read comments that other people have posted before mine, so forgive me if I re-state something that had already been stated.)
Secondly, "They usually argued until Joktan sank them in earth up to their necks and left them that way for a few hours." I don't like the middle of this sentence: "sank them in earth up to their necks" I couldn't understand that right away. I had to think about this sentence for quite sometime before I was able to draw a conclusion as to what was being said.
posted
I would probably read on. The main thing that put me off was the first paragraph. Joktan sounds so bored and has such a defeatist mentality. The second paragraph was better because I was hoping the new person would prove Joktan wrong and give him something to do besides wait.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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Nice start and good enough to make me read on. Bahoor made some good points about pronouns and clarity.
Although it’s pretty clear, even momentary confusion can increase the “mental length” of your 1st 13.
I’d also look into removing filtering devices if you want to go into deep 3rd.
quote: He could see the figure toiling in the dusty distance and he sighed.
By the following sentences, it’s clear Joktan can see it’s a man (otherwise he couldn’t see he was not the one), so the line (if in deep 3rd) is something like the following:
“The man toiled in the dusty distance. Joktan sighed.”
quote:He was not the one, Joktan knew already.
I think the “already” is implied and if we’re in deep 3rd we can also cut “Joktan knew” since we have direct access to his thoughts, leaving us with “He was not the one.”
quote: Wait for the one to come who would not fail
To come isn’t needed IMO since it’s implied by the previous text.
quote: The figure drew closer, and Joktan could see that it was a man.
As Bahoor noted, removing filtering devices changes this to “The man drew closer.” You can then launch straight into the description.
quote:Staff in hand, bag and spear slung across the back, red cloak tucked into the belt, beard.
Is there something in this description that couldn’t belong to a young man? Maybe you want to specify the beard is grey or something to make sure the next sentence is logical.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 05, 2010).]
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