posted
It's been a long time since I've been on the forum, but it's great to see it still so active and so much good material going around. This is a short story/novel chapter that's 4,438 words. You can all either just pick apart the 13, or ask for the whole story/chapter. I'll be doing my best to read things you all have on here as well. Enjoy! [Edit: I did a re-work, but I'm leaving the original below. Sorry it took so long, I just finished a different story. 21,000 in 16 days.Whew! Anyway...]
New version
It wasn’t the first time Regn had wished that his cloak was woven of silk instead of wool, that his waterskin was full, and that his foodbag held more than crumbs. He was tempted to use a little amber sand and call up a spring, or a breeze, or something. But he took a firmer grip on his staff and continued down the dusty road. A forest began not far off, and Regn was eager for some shade. One large oak stood just off the path, its dusty green boughs beckoning. As Regn came under its shade, he paused. There was a man nestled in the curve of one broad root, apparently asleep. Regn wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down. The man opened his eyes and looked at him. “Ah,” he said, tilting his head back to look at the sun. “Early.
Original version
The sun was hot, and the dust clung to the roof of Regn’s mouth. His waterskin was empty, his foodbag held only crumbs. He smiled as he remembered one of Terdom’s earliest anecdotes: A wizard ought to often be hungry Regn, and for more than food. It will remind you why you are a wizard. He took a firmer grip on his staff as he continued down the dusty road. A forest began not far off, and Regn was eager for some shade. One large oak was just off the path, its dusty green boughs beckoning. As Regn came under its shadow, he paused. There was a man nestled in the curve of one broad root, apparently asleep. Regn wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down. The man opened his eyes and looked at him. “Ah,” he said, craning his neck to look at the sun. “Early. How -------------
[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited May 02, 2010).]
posted
Hi, I generally like to see an inciting incident that creates a beginning problem which must be addressed in the 1st 13. Without this, the rest of the 1st 13 must be really strong on other elements to hook me. In this opening 13, the stranger isn’t creating a problem that it is clear Regn must solve or be involved in. Can you shorten the build-up and description so it’s clear what the problem is within the first 13? Without it, I don’t have enough to hook me; the milieu is (so far) fairly standard fantasy and there doesn’t appear to be anything unusual about the character. Regards, Nick Minor nits:
quote:The sun was hot, and the dust clung to the roof of Regn’s mouth.
How do you pronounce “Regn”? It seems like an unnecessarily difficult name to me.
quote:He smiled as he remembered one of Terdom’s earliest anecdotes: <i>A wizard ought to often be hungry Regn, and for more than food. It will remind you why you are a wizard.<i>
I’m not sure this flashback is really worth it…it doesn’t tell me anything particularly noteworthy and even small flashbacks/backstory aren’t generally worth the cost in the 1st 13. Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
I rather liked your opening, but I agree that the flashback distracts from the flow. I stayed with you all the way to the man at the oak. I had a hard time with the last line. My visual image was of a man prone, so the action of craning his neck seems awkward and unatural. If one is under a tree, laying on the ground in the shade, then it seems hard to look for the sun's position without standing up. Just my humble opinion. Is Regn pronounced Rain?
Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
WetherbyOwl, I don't know nuthin' bout fashionin' the perfect first thirteen, obviously, (I'm still learning myself) but your writing is clear and evocative. I didn't have a problem understanding it. The man under the tree could have been "craning his neck to (search) for the sun." or to "gauge the shadows cast along the ground." Something. That's easily fixable.
As a long time science fiction reader, wierd names don't bother me. I guess I'm easy that way.
Maybe it's just me, but most fantasy seems fairly standard at first glance. I figure fantasy readers have certain expectations in that regard. How the story unfolds is what sets it apart most of the time.
How it starts is apparently even more important. Without knowing the problems faced by Regn, I don't know what to say. Just reading that one paragraph, on its own, it could have come directly from a published fantasy story. As a first thirteen, I have learned that it needs a bit more umph. Good luck with that. Don’t give up--you obviously have talent.
Either I really am just easy, or the writing here is much better than one might expect from a group of mostly unpublished writers.
posted
I agree with Nick that an opening 13 needs a clear problem for the protagonist. I would say that that problem could be either a goal or an obstacle, and this opening strikes me as something that could be an obstacle but isn't quite there yet. I think it's Regn's reaction: He does not appear worried at all by the man but simply sits beside him. If Regn does not signal that this man could be a problem, then the readers have no reason to think he might be, either.
Couple other notes:
-- The first four words immediately put me off as too obvious. Of course the sun is hot.
-- You use dust or dusty twice in the first paragraph.
posted
You're settling yourself into writing the story, easing yourself into character and setting and (eventually, I am sure) events. That's fine enough as a learing process, but ultimately this is not actually the beginning of the story. You don't necessarily need to give us contextual information up front - the fact that Regn is a wizard is almost certainly relevant but can be introduced soon enough. The weather probably isn't relevant at all but again, if it is, you can introduce it within the story, not before it. The beginning is just (presumably) happening where you cut off - Regn meets someone who is a stranger to him, but who appears to be expecting him. So start with that... something (very loosely) along these lines
The stranger tipped back his hat and looked up at Regn. "Ah, you're early." Regn frowned. How could he be early? He...
I like your writing style. Of the many posts I see, only a few will get published and your writing style can take you places. Now for the nits:
The sun was hot,(agree with the comment that this is obvious and not needed) and the dust clung to the roof of Regn’s (I also agree that while fantasy names are often strange and even whimsical, this one is hard to pronounce in my head.)mouth.
His waterskin was empty, his foodbag held only crumbs. He smiled as he remembered one of Terdom’s earliest anecdotes: A wizard ought to often be hungry Regn, and for more than food.(I didn't mind the flashback. My only nit is the awkward prose. "Ought to often" is a moutful)
It will remind you why you are a wizard. He took a firmer grip on his staff as he continued down the dusty road. A forest began not far off, and Regn was eager for some shade. One large oak was just off the path, its dusty green boughs beckoning. (I like this)
As Regn came under its shadow, he paused. (You could combine this with the next sentence. Something like: Pausing under its shadow, Regn noticed a man nestled...)
There was a man nestled in the curve of one broad root, apparently asleep. Regn wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down. The man opened his eyes and looked at him. “Ah,” he said, craning (craning? To look at the sun?)his neck to look at the sun. “Early. How
(I agree with what has been said about a beginning. What is the event or life change that kicks off the story? Meeting this man? Post the rework of the first 13. I'd like to see it.
posted
WetherbyOwl, here's just a quickie. As someone who has lived through this past winter, I can assure you that there were many days when the sun was most definitely not hot.
[This message has been edited by Welsh Hammer (edited April 19, 2010).]
I like the feel of the opening, and for me, meeting the buy was enough to get me going, and reading if all is well. And you are not that far off for me.
The first 2 sentences seemed passive, not in the passive sense of, The window was broken, by Jack. But passive all the same. Its the word "was" I strive very hard to eliminate that word as much as possible, it seems to weaken writing.
ex. The sun was hot and the dust clung to the...
The sun beat down on Regn, the dust clinging to the roof of his mouth.
posted
I like the new version much better. The pacing is good and I like how you used a mention of amber sand to let us know he is a wizard.
The only thing I can think of to make it stronger would be to incorporate some of Regn's thinking about the man under the tree. He was obviously surprised to find him there, but why did he sit next to him? Was he expecting to find the man there? It could be something as simple as "Regne wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down next to his mentor, or the stranger, or the bum, or the prince, or whatever." Hopefully it's something interesting because I would expect some conflict very soon.
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