posted
Since I am clearly not going to make Thursday's deadline for the current Challenge, here are my opening lines for you to critique:
Version 1 Lady Gaga floated toward the looming planet, sorting out the flood of signals bombarding her skin. Her body spread in a wide, flat plane, angled to maximize her surface area exposure. When she realized the music video was over, she shifted her attention to a football game and picked a new name; Ben Roethlisberger.
He did not understand all the rules yet, so Ben carefully observed the passes, interceptions, fumbles, and penalties. What was its purpose? The Steelers and Vikings strove against each other for possession of a ball and fans waved yellow towels, while coaches paced on the sidelines. None of it made sense.
Version 2 Lady Gaga floated toward the looming planet and sifted through the flood of signals bombarding her skin. Her body spread in a wide, flat plane, angled to maximize her surface area exposure. When she realized the music video was over, she shifted her attention to a football game and picked a new name; Number 7, Ben Roethlisberger.
He did not understand all the rules yet, so Ben carefully observed the passes, interceptions, fumbles, and penalties. What was its purpose? The Steelers and Vikings strove against each other for possession of a ball and fans waved yellow towels, while coaches paced on the sidelines. He couldn’t fathom why they cared so passionately about the outcome.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 06, 2010).]
Someone, maybe it was Damon Knight, said that if you use an "ing" word, you will often find two or three more in close proximity. He said that verb form is often slower and less taut than straight past tense. You have three in the first sentence. Maybe for that reason, "sorting out," seemed odd, a bit vague or generic. Would "untangling," or something, be more specific? Sorting out seems... informal. ((It doesn't solve the "ing" problem though - if it is a problem.))
I love the name changing. I'm not massively interested in football, or in an alien trying to understand everyday human actions, so that aspect didn't hook me very strongly. But I would definitely read on.
"...for possession of a ball and fans waved yellow towels, while coaches paced on the sidelines. None of it made sense."
Would Ben know what a ball was, fans, towels or coaches? These are quite specific memes(?)and an alien would have to know quite a lot about humanity to be able to define them - probably to the point of understanding what the game was about.
I'm a sucker for stories about flexible identity, so this hooked me, despite knowing nothing, nor caring less, about American Football.
Watch out that you didn't give us much of an idea of what the alien wants or if its goals are vital to it. It seemed pretty casual, especially as it had the time to ponder.
I hope this is of some use.
Good luck polishing and subbing the story.
D
Lady Gaga floated toward the looming planet, sorting out the flood of signals bombarding her skin. Her body spread in a wide, flat plane, angled to maximize her surface area exposure. When she realized the music video was over, she shifted her attention to a football game and picked a new name; Ben Roethlisberger.
He did not understand all the rules yet, so Ben carefully observed the passes, interceptions, fumbles, and penalties. What was its purpose? The Steelers and Vikings strove against each other for possession of a ball and fans waved yellow towels, while coaches paced on the sidelines. None of it made sense.
posted
I think I prefer “Lady Gaga floated toward the looming planet, sifting through the flood of signals bombarding her skin.” I don’t mind the “ing”s slowing it down, because s/he is taking the time to learn before making contact. And “sifted”, “shifted” bothers me a bit.
S/he does understand a great deal by now, but competition as entertainment is an alien idea. Does Version 2 work better?
The goal becomes clear on the next page. Can you wait for it?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 06, 2010).]
posted
I really enjoyed your opening lines here, quite intriguing. I like version 2 a smidgen better, though if you asked me to explain why I couldn't tell you. Probably something to do with "None of it made sense" I'm not a fan of that phrase in general.
posted
I like the end of the first better. "None of it made sense" is more immediate and brings you closer to the alien's viewpoint. "He couldn't fathom..." is quite distancing in comparison.
I like "sifted" but I can see you point about sifted and shifted.
posted
I like version two. It's clearer, or at least it gives me a glimmer of hope that I just might figure out what's going on. That's not a criticism. I'm intrigued and would read on. Reads like something you'd find in some po-dunk publication like Analog or Asimov's.
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quote: Since I am clearly not going to make Thursday's deadline for the current Challenge, here are my opening lines for you to critique: Version 1 Lady Gaga floated toward the looming planet, sorting out the flood of signals bombarding her skin. Her body spread in a wide, flat plane, angled to maximize her surface area exposure. When she realized the music video was over, she shifted her attention to a football game and picked a new name; Ben Roethlisberger.
He did not understand all the rules yet, so Ben carefully observed the passes, interceptions, fumbles, and penalties. What was its purpose? The Steelers and Vikings strove against each other for possession of a ball and fans waved yellow towels, while coaches paced on the sidelines. None of it made sense.
Version 2 Lady Gaga floated toward the looming planet and sifted through the flood of signals bombarding her skin. Her body spread in a wide, flat plane, angled to maximize her surface area exposure. When she realized the music video was over, she shifted her attention to a football game and picked a new name; Number 7, Ben Roethlisberger.
He did not understand all the rules yet, so Ben carefully observed the passes, interceptions, fumbles, and penalties. What was its purpose? The Steelers and Vikings strove against each other for possession of a ball and fans waved yellow towels, while coaches paced on the sidelines. He couldn’t fathom why they cared so passionately about the outcome.
Since I missed the challenge, I may say something obvious so pardon my ignorance if that happens.
But I assume She-he-it takes the name and maybe form of whoever she-he-it observes.
As to which version is better, I'm not sure. A -ed word is better than a -ing, I've also been told that by editors and writers, but somehow I think sort sounds better.
As to the ending, I think I like the first one better. It's shorter and faster to the point.
I don't know if any of this is just my personal tastes or some wisdom I've hopefully gotten.
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