posted
The first thing I sensed was a light touch, like a cool wind, across my forehead. I paused, touching my pen to my lips and waited. Was it Seria? A pressure began to build behind my eyes, so I slid my pen onto the desk and relaxed back in the chair. As her psychic bow-wave buffeted me, a darkness--deep and enduring--tried to snare me, but I shook myself awake again. Then she unfolded within my senses as delicately as the petals of a flower. I felt her wonder at the world she saw from my eyes. My darling--did you miss me? Her thoughts were gilt and guileless, light and bright; a picnic on a summer's day and I wallowed in the feel of her. I...you've been silent for days... I trailed off. Small puffs of amusement blossomed as she swirled behind my eyes.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 13, 2010).]
posted
I am not hooked on this, but I did like the thought you've given into telepathic communication. You've described it in a cool way. I would read on, but I also recognize that I'd only do that because I'm hoping the story is as good as the language. Right now, the story or plot is lacking but it is only the 1st 13.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
Interesting point about the hook babooher, I hadn't really noticed.
I know there are those in the industry who say they don't care about titles, but I think they're cracked. Anyway, the title is "A Time for Peace" and the first 13 are well on their way. How can I be sure? Trust.
It's been discussed that authors can get to the point where the back cover of their books is simply their picture. That's because of a trust they've built with their audience. Their name states what you the reader are buying and getting into. For me, skadder's name carries the same trust. Now, I'll grant you I've not had the pleasure of reading past his 13's because it looks as if I'll have to pay to do that. (not that I'm unwilling to pay, just that the stories are in transition) However, that alone gives me a basis of judgment.
Now. Moving on.
One of the things I've recently discovered about beginnings and 13's in general is they need to set a tone. We talk so much about the items of fact we need to have in the 13. Character with a problem, hook, inciting incident... However, I've had a change of heart lately and while those things aren't untrue, I feel less strongly about them after coming to my own conclusion that character is the most important aspect of a 13. The rest is gravy, assuming the writer knows what he/she is doing.
Moving on again - having said that, and assuming anyone actually read it - here's my take.
Tone: Excellent. Examples: cool wind, petals of a flower, picnic, blossom
Rhythm/Beat of the story: Excellent. This should not be underestimated.
Plot: Unestablished. However, this goes back to the trust issue, and I'm not worried. Don't change a thing.
As for the all important question, would I read on? Of course.
The story reads downhill. Some call it effortless. It's written in such a way that I would reach line 14 before I realized it. This is the goal of writing. It may not have a "hook" but it has a snare, and that is the way it's written.
Nits: *Seria - Is this a person? I can't get the country out of my head. *My pen onto the desk in the chair - This doesn't ground the character in a location. One or two adjectives should do the trick. *Bow-wave - sounded strange. *gilt - not sure what this means. I did a Google search, but didn't turn up anything.
posted
Axeministers point about flowing downhill is apt. The flow really caught hold of me. Wonderful description, with a host of sensations. I can feel her in my head. All this is enough of a hook fo me. Who needs plot?
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I was hooked and would read on. To be more specific, I was hooked by the description of the experience and the mystery of who this girl is. She almost seems fairy like or a spirit and not human and the other person seems spell bound and addicted. I like it.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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quote:I...you've been silent for days... I trailed off.
Do you really need to say "I trailed off."? Don't the ellipsis say that to the reader? It's not a deal breaker, just something I noted while reading.
quote:Small puffs of amusement blossomed as she swirled behind my eyes.
Yes sir, this sentence intrigued me. Taken alone some might say it is over written, but knowing there is more to follow I am wondering what the following description and internal dialogue might be.
quote:My darling--did you miss me?
This is more of a question than a critique as I have wondered this myself. Is the use of em dashes within dialogue appropriate or would the speech be better served with ellipsis or even a comma?
quote:Do you really need to say "I trailed off."? Don't the ellipsis say that to the reader?
I felt I needed a dialogue tag. When all the speaking is happening as thoughts in one person's head, I didn't want to get readers confused. I did think about that point for a while before posting it...
I preferred it without the tag.
Thank you for reading, guys.
Regarding your (perhaps rhetorical) question on the ellipsis in dialogue issue. To me they feel different; ellipsis have a sense of pausing, stumbling...of thought and nervousness about them. The dash is a rapid change of direction--a switch.
My darling--did you miss me?
My darling...did you miss me?
The second one seems to me to be a more sincere question due to the stumble or pause and lacks the superficiality or confidence of the first.
Perhaps it's just me that see's it that way. Interesting point, though. I just wrote it with little conscious thought, just an idea about how I wanted it to feel when it was read.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 13, 2010).]
posted
Aside from a few nits that people have already pointed out, this reads very well.
Would like to point out however one thing that caught my eye, "and I wallowed in the feel of her." I wouldn't use "wallow." To me it brings to mind pigs in slop. Not the kind of thing that I would want to associate with such a lavish experience. I had a word suggestion to replace it in my head when I after I read it, but sadly it has disappeared from my noggin.
posted
I liked the opening and agree with the comments that it has a wonderful sense of flow and the pacing really fits the etheral pattern.
I understood the term gilt, but it seems a little hard given the tenor of the whole paragraph. When I think of gilting I think of it in an electro plating sense. I wonder if there isn't another term to give the same sense with a more whimsical tenor that better matches the rest of the paragraph.
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