posted
Well, I finally finished the first draft of this. Way longer than I intended and it's likely to get a little longer in revision. I wish I felt as confident about this one as the last two.
The title's tentative, but I haven't come up with anything better, yet.
Here's the first 13:
quote:Kiara wheeled her horse towards the movement in the tall grass. The startled cattle trotted away from the movement. Whatever it was, it was too small to be a bear. Wolf, perhaps, but, if so, it was a lone wolf or a very small pack. She would have sensed the presence of a lion, so she knew it was not that. It was not impossible that it was one of the smaller, faster hunting cats, though they usually would not approach this close to humans unless they were desperate. Most likely a wolf or else only an antelope. Wolf, from the way the herd dogs were growling.
She gripped her spear, prepared to stab the predator if it showed itself. She almost dropped it when the lion jumped out from hiding. How was that possible? She should have sensed the
Thanks for the feedback. On review, I don't think the inventory of all the possible animals that could be in the high grass advances the story. This may get to the action--and perhaps the hook--just a little quicker. Second version:
quote:Kiara wheeled her horse towards the movement in the tall grass. The startled cattle trotted away from the motion. Whatever it was, it was too small to be a bear. Wolf, perhaps, but, if so, it was a lone wolf or a very small pack. She would have sensed the presence of a lion, so she knew it was not that.
She gripped her spear, prepared to stab the predator if it showed itself. She almost dropped it when the lion jumped out from hiding. How was that possible? She should have felt the presence of a lion long before. Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion.
“Hey, Daron!” she called.
Daron turned his attention away from the skittish cattle in time to see her danger. Kiara was Lion Clan; she could not kill
Third version:
quote:Kiara wheeled her horse towards the movement in the tall grass, gripping her spear. The startled cattle shied away from the motion. Too small for a bear. Wolf, maybe. The only thing she was sure of was that it could not be a lion.
She shifted her grip on the hardwood shaft of her spear and tightened her knees to steady her horse. A lone wolf could be dangerous. She almost dropped the spear when the lion jumped out from hiding. How was that possible? She should have felt the presence of a lion long before. Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion.
“Hey, Daron!” she called.
Daron turned his attention away from the skittish cattle in time to see her danger. Kiara was Lion Clan; she couldn’t kill
Fourth Version:
quote:Kiara wheeled her horse towards the movement in the tall grass, gripping her spear. The startled cattle shied away from the motion. Too small for a bear. Wolf, maybe. The only thing she was sure of was that it could not be a lion.
She shifted her grip on the hardwood shaft and tightened her knees to steady her horse. A lone wolf could be dangerous. She almost dropped the spear when the lion jumped out from hiding. That was impossible. She should have felt the presence of a lion long before. Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion. Why didn’t it charge?
“Hey, Daron!” she called.
Kiara was Lion Clan; she couldn’t kill a lion except to
Fifth Version:
quote:Kiara wheeled her horse towards a movement in the tall grass, gripping her spear. The startled cattle shied away from the motion. From the way the herd dogs growled even as they gathered the cattle, it was definitely a predator. Too small for a bear. Wolf, maybe. The only thing she was sure of was that it could not be a lion. Well, she could deal with a wolf by herself. No need to call for help.
She shifted her grip on the hardwood shaft and tightened her knees to steady her horse. She almost dropped the spear when the lion stepped out into the open. That was impossible. She should have felt the presence of a lion long before. Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion. Why didn’t it charge? Something was wrong,
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 01, 2010).]
posted
It was reading just fine until the second paragraph. I like the sense that this wasn't a typical scene of shepherd and a flock of sheep. She's armed and dangerous and there may be lions out there! In the second paragraph, I got thrown, so to speak. If she was on horseback, wouldn't the horse have shied when the lion popped out of the grass, making it very hard to stay on the horse and hold the spear? And the dogs most certainly would have done more than growl. I think they would either have been going nuts,or, since they are herding dogs, have formed some kind of hunting stance. I know herding dogs are very protective of their herd, and they are trained to be the first line of defence against predators. That would have clued her into there was a serious problem about to come out of the brush. Those are my humble thoughts.
posted
I agree with your own suggestions - the list of possibilities and questoins in the first version really slows it down and makes the MC seem very indecisive.
The second version is better and hints at something odd (i.e. that she should have sensed the lion but did not). One question I do have is what sort of lion we are talking about here? With bears and wolves, I'm guessing a New World setting, and thus mountain lion/cougar/puma, but it's not clear. Even in a fantasy world, you might have to go some to explain the presence of African-style lions, wolves and bears as co-existent predators...
posted
Thanks. The description of the lion comes a paragraph or so furher in.
I'd like to submit this to SWORD AND SORCERESS. (Hey, the worst that can happen is that they say "No, thank you". I'm getting used to that.) But the window for submissions is short and their guidelines say that they want the longer stories earlier rather than later.
I'll swap crits with anybody who's willing to read this for me.
posted
One thing to consider is that cattle will "BOOK IT" when startled, not trot. They may be pretty fat and slow normally, but they can go pretty fast when they want too. They lay their ears back and the whites of their eyes show... its sort of funny to watch.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
So there's this bit in the writing book SELF EDITING FOR FICTION WRITERS that I love and think you might want to consider...it's called "Resist the Urge to Explain" - which the authors abbreviate and write in the margins of editing projects as RUE.
I think you might want to consider whether you could simplify your opening paragraph by toning down the explanation a bit. For example, old para:
quote:Kiara wheeled her horse towards the movement in the tall grass. The startled cattle trotted away from the motion. Whatever it was, it was too small to be a bear. Wolf, perhaps, but, if so, it was a lone wolf or a very small pack. She would have sensed the presence of a lion, so she knew it was not that.
Kiara wheeled her horse toward (I think it's singular here, but I'm not sure, check with a grammar person - might just be a regional usage thing) movement in the tall grass. The startled cattle trotted (personal nitpick - lots of t sounds in those three words. stupid, I know. Just stood out to me) away from the motion. The grass wasn't moving enough for a bear. Wolf, perhaps, but had to be a lone one or a very small pack. Not a lion, she would have sensed that.
Do you see what I mean? I think this is a very strong opening, the hook with the "how can it be a lion, she can sense lions? and is forbidden to kill them!" bit is great. But because of the way it's worded "she would have sensed the presence of a lion, so she knew it was not that." is too declarative, too much of an explanation, too complete of a thought, so when it turns out to be a lion it's not shocking enough. I have no idea if I'm making sense but I have this feeling that she needs to process through her thoughts about what it is in a more choppy less well-formed way, so that when it turns out to be a lion we're quite surprised, in a "wow - crap!" kind of way instead of a "wait a sec, author just told us this was impossible" kind of way.
Another example of an explanation is in how you tee up the spear. "She gripped her spear, preparing to stab the predator if it showed itself." Of COURSE she's preparing to stab the predator. That's why she's carrying a spear! How about you aim for a physical description there instead, or go into her head for a mental state check (is she freaking out? calm because she's used to this? excited because she's a Warrior Type?)
some examples of what I'm talking about: She gripped her spear, her knuckles whitening across the (explain type of material spear is made of which gives us a little more sense of where/when she is.)
She gripped her spear, feeling her heart tighten in her chest. At fourteen seasons, Kiara had seen her share of predators in the grazing lands, but still each encounter left her breathless and worried, maybe this would be the time they lost cattle on her watch.
She gripped her spear, nudging her horse gently with her knees, feeling his muscles tense under her with anticipation.
As with everything, take what works for you and leave the rest. I hope this is helpful. It's definitely a compelling opening, great job of putting the conflict right up front - very hard to do in my opinion!
This one actually has three conflicts. A departure for me and probably why it grew so long. But this is the main one--what is it about that lion? What does it mean? What is she going to have to do about it?
I have a blue index card posted on my writing board above my computer with big letters that read RUE. One of the best bits of advice I took from that book, along with not starting every sentence with 'he'.
quote:She almost dropped the spear when the lion jumped out from hiding. How was that possible? She should have felt the presence of a lion long before. Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion.
I like the concept. I believe this would be a fun read, and reminds me a bit of the Elfquest clans. My main thought is that when I read the part about the lion jumping out I pictured it busting into a full out run (a la National Geographic vids) and chasing whatever it was lurking after. But the way it is written I am guessing that the lion just jumped out like 'surprise' and then stood watching which I dont know would happen unless its a different kind of lion.
So I guess in my opinion I would think the lion would jump out and chased or attacked something and if that were the case, the internal dialogue How was that possible? She should have felt the presence of a lion long before. wouldnt come until after the action played itself out.
Nice start Meredith
Im still waiting for people to send there WOTF entries to me for crit so if you still want another reader I would like to take a look.
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited April 19, 2010).]
posted
Well I like the concept a couple things I might point out.
First off, I agree with the list of animals slowing it down.
Second I would suggest cutting the line The only thing she ...., I am not sure why, pov maybe, would she be thinking, well I know its a lion? I don't know, plus it would make the hook, of sensing lions all that stronger.
third, Spear, yeah, I got it she has a spear, but its mentioned 3 times in like 5 sentences. Also, for drama, maybe instead of almost dropping the spear, have her drop it(Not suggesting it really just mentioning it wasnt as scary to me as I thought it should be).
Fourth, "Hey, Daron!" she called. this read off, if I lion burst from hiding, and I almost lost my spear, I think I woulndt say Hey, more like "Daron!"
FIfth, I tend to write in 3rd person, in deep, and this last sentence seemed a pov shift, we have Daron turn his attention away to the danger, then Kaira was LIon, she couldnt kill. It might not truly be a pov shift, but as the paragraph started with Daron turning his attention, I read, Kiara was LIon Clan as his thoughts.
I think you have the basis of a good start, just need to fine tune it all
posted
I acutally like the second version the best. I started off by reading the fourth version and was confused when she said she knew it couldn't be a lion because I was thinking how the heck would she know that. I like how in the second one you give us a little more of her thoughts but it isn't overkill like in the first one.
I do wonder what the lion is jumping at though. Did he attack one of the cattle or was he just jumping for fun? Perhaps if the lion isn't attacking you could have the lion just stand up.
Nice first thirteen. I'll give it a read if you like though I have one story to finish critiquing first.
posted
I like the fourth, but I agree with Satate about the need to know up front why she knows it's not a lion. I would move the mention of her "lion-sense" from the 2nd paragraph back to the first:
quote: Kiara wheeled her horse towards the movement in the tall grass, gripping her spear. The startled cattle shied away from the motion. Too small for a bear. Wolf, maybe. It wasn't a lion; she was Lion Clan and would have sensed it.
She shifted her grip on the hardwood shaft and tightened her knees to steady her horse. A lone wolf could be dangerous. She almost dropped the spear when the lion jumped out from hiding. That was impossible. Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion. Why didn’t it charge?
“Hey, Daron!” she called.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited May 01, 2010).]
I agree with NoTimetoThink. Make it clear why she knows it isn’t a lion right away. Otherwise, version 4 looks pretty solid.
Some minor trims in the second paragraph:
quote:She almost dropped the spear when the lion jumped out from hiding
The fact that the lion was hiding has already been stated, so this can probably be cut.
quote: Kiara fought for control of her frightened horse, backing it slowly away from the lion.
These two suggested trims aren’t so definite…I think the fact that the horse is frightened can be implied by the fact she has to fight for control of it and it’s clear what she’s backing away from. Having said that, neither really bloat the sentence, so they’re not necessary trims.
Nick
*Edit* I can crit if you want, but I may not be able to meet your deadlines...I'm a bit slow nowadays.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 02, 2010).]
Good, active first sentence, establishes person in situation with a sense of surrounding terrain. Instead of "The startled cattle" consider "Startled cattle..." Why? When you say "the startled cattle" you're telling us she knew about them, which means WE should have known about them. Leaving off "the" makes them a new element for her (and us).
"The movement in the tall grass" is the same issue, though less problematic. Take out "the" and she's reacting to a new movement. Leave it in and it's a movement she's been watching for a while. The first is active, the second more passive (nothing wrong with it, but less immediate).
It's fine that she reacts to movement in the tall grass. That's a good initial image, but I want to see specific detail after that. Rather than "Too small for a bear..." (I wonder WHAT'S too small?) I'd rather see something specific about the movement in tall grass. Do the seed heads part, leaving a trough too small for a bear? Something that pulls us closer into viewpoint.
The hardwood shaft? Same problem as before. If it was there, we should have known it was. If she grasps a hardwood shaft from her saddle pack (or whatever one would use to stow a spear on a horse) now, it's new to her and I don't blink an eye.
She's certain it's not a lion? Why? There's no reason to withhold that explanation (false mystery).
I don't understand the rest of the opening. The lion jumping (from where?) Was it the source of the movement or not? Who's Darin?
This is a common problem we see at Triangulation. Withholding relevant information to sound mysterious is not the same as creating true mystery. True mystery is achieved through revealing something that is mysterious to the viewpoint character.
posted
Thanks for your comments. I really need to put up the fifth, and most current, version.
quote:Comment on fourth version. Good, active first sentence, establishes person in situation with a sense of surrounding terrain. Instead of "The startled cattle" consider "Startled cattle..." Why? When you say "the startled cattle" you're telling us she knew about them, which means WE should have known about them. Leaving off "the" makes them a new element for her (and us).
The cattle aren't new to her. She's riding herd on them.
quote:It's fine that she reacts to movement in the tall grass. That's a good initial image, but I want to see specific detail after that. Rather than "Too small for a bear..." (I wonder WHAT'S too small?) I'd rather see something specific about the movement in tall grass. Do the seed heads part, leaving a trough too small for a bear? Something that pulls us closer into viewpoint.
This may be resolved (differently) in the latest version.
quote:She's certain it's not a lion? Why? There's no reason to withhold that explanation (false mystery).
This isn't intended to create a false mystery. It's explained a line or two later (just not in the first thirteen). It's just not something she'd think about in the middle of preparing to defend the herd from a predator. Kiara is a member of the Lion Clan and, as such, has a certain spiritual connection with lions (except for this one). She should have known if there was a lion anywere within a mile or so.
quote:I don't understand the rest of the opening. The lion jumping (from where?) Was it the source of the movement or not? Who's Darin?
I meant for the lion to jump out from the tall grass into an area where it's more visible because the cattle have been grazing. I may not have been clear enough with this.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 01, 2010).]
posted
I am still having a hard time working out where this horse/cattle/dog/wolf/bear/lion place is supposed to be. Long enough grass to hide large animals yet short enough grass for cattle to graze on; people who have dogs (normally associated with sheep) and ride horses yet still seem beset by multiple predators... I know you want to hook us with Kiara's confusion over the lion that she can't sense, but I actually think you might be better to be a bit more bold, a bit more outright. Actually start with her staring at the lion, and momentarily immobile because that's the one threat she knew it couldn't have been.
gripping her spear could be the movement or the MC.
The last sentence, 'Something was wrong.', is superfluous. Obviously something is wrong.
My personal opinion would still want a stronger mention of her lion-sense. Something like 'her lion-sense failed her' As it's written the reader unfamiliar with your world will wonder why would she be able to know if it was a lion or not. You don't have the space to explain it, but IMO it should be a bit more obvious. Another suggestion to consider something like: "her lion-sense told her nothing was there, but the lion was plain in her sight."
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