The morning they came for me, I was twelve years old and still getting used to my training bra. From the kitchen window, I watched a battered green GMF Godsend, the sort of van you might see on any road in Ohio, make its way up our dirt drive, a haze of dust in its wake. It was not the same van that had taken Mother, but everyone knew New Dawners drove vans.

A man and a woman in crisp black suits with white shirt collars laid flat beneath their chins and white cuffs exposed at their wrists came to the kitchen door and displayed identification.
"You must be Prentice Rebecca," the woman said when Father grudgingly stepped aside. She and her partner came in, the screen door slapping behind them.

I nodded meekly. The woman smiled, transforming an otherwise

Anyway, this is very nicely done. The bit about the shirt collars threw me for a moment for some reason but I think that was just me.

It puts me very much in mind of a religious version of the Psi Corps from Babylon 5. I'm getting the impression of a repression of psychic or mystical abilities story here. It seems like it will probably be a good one, but I am pretty familiar with that sort of subject matter. I'm interested in where you will take the religious angle though.

I'm guessing by your handle that you have a Y chromosome, so I would suggest getting some female insights into what getting used to a training bra entails. You might not need anything, but you might get something that lets those of us with the Y have a clue about what you really mean by "getting used to my training bra."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the GMF Godsend is fake, right? I googled it quickly but I'm not researching vans for a fast post. In any event, assuming it is a fictional model, I like how you casually inserted it. Very subtle, but there. I think it adds quite a bit to the overall setting.

This is well over 13 lines; try copying and pasting into the text box to see whether it fits. It’s not 13 lines on a Microsoft word page. It ends up being about 130-140 words, more or less.

Nice start and I’d read on.

Comments below:

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The morning they came for me, I was twelve years old and still getting used to my training bra.

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I’d say the “for me” is implied by the following action.

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From the kitchen window, I watched1 a battered green GMF Godsend 2, the sort of van you might see on any road in Ohio, make its way up our dirt drive, a haze of dust in its wake.

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1. For 1st person, where the emphasis is usually upon staying well inside the character’s voice, it seems like an unnecessary filter to have “I watched.” While it might take a bit of rearranging to indicate the protagonist’s position, I’d personally remove the filter and directly state that the green van comes up the driveway. Perhaps start with something like “I was staring out the kitchen window when the battered green GMF Godsend…made its way up our dirt drive.” ?

2. Nice detail.

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A man and a woman in crisp black suits with white shirt collars laid flat beneath their chins and white cuffs exposed at their wrists came1 to the kitchen door and displayed ]2 identification.

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While I like the detail, this stuffs way too much into one sentence. I’d split it into two, i.e. “The man and woman were dressed in crisp black suit….” “They came to the door…”

1. “came” is a pretty weak verb. How about the more specific “walked”?

2. How does the protagonist know they have displayed identification? I think the fact it’s a screen door needs to come first and that they display the identification to her father. The facts explaining how she can see them displaying their ID (screen door, father greeting them first) come after the “unseeable” actions, so there’s a moment of incongruence. Very brief, but worth clarifying I think.

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She and her partner came in1, the screen door slapping behind them2.

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1. How about “entered”?

2. Since they’ve entered, this is implied. I’d consider cutting.

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I nodded meekly.

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Although “meekly” is a brief indication on how she feels about these two, its nature (authorial voice rather than character voice) really made me notice the lack of character thoughts/emotions. Given the set-up, I’d expect some kind of emotional response, but it’s all observation at this stage. “Meekly” (and her observation of her father’s “grudgingly”) is the only insight I have so far.

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The woman smiled, transforming an otherwise drab beginning-to-wrinkle face into a pleasant enough mask.

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I’m not sure there’s enough descriptive contrast between the two phrases. A “pleasant enough mask” is pretty drab and I’m not having a great deal of success imagining how the smile actual transforms her face.

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She knelt and looked up into my face, crossing her arms and touching her lapel pins, a miniature American flag on one side, on the other a Christian Cross.

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I think this would be better off as two sentences. It’s a lot of actions to process as occurring at one time.

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She uncrossed her arms and I saw writing on her collar

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As above, the filter seems unnecessary in 1st person.

But I agree with Babooher about needing some details about the training bra thing. FYI, the tight elastic on bras that hit just under the breasts itches a little and would bug someone just getting used to wearing one. So the girl might tug on the elastic band of the bra. Also if the straps of the bra are loose, the girl might be pulling the straps back onto her shoulders constantly. Just a few suggestions.

I had some other nits.

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It was not the same van that had taken Mother, but everyone knew New Dawners drove vans.

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How did she know it wasn't the same van that took her mother? Was it a different color? Is there a reason for her to think it would be the same van?

I think this might work better just saying that the van was similar to the one that took her mother.

I also would like to know how she feels about that. Does she think they are going to take her to her mother, or is she frightened about what they did to her mother and what they will do to her? I think some hint of what she feels would make this intro stronger.

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A man and a woman in crisp black suits with white shirt collars laid flat beneath their chins and white cuffs exposed at their wrists came to the kitchen door and displayed identification.

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This sentence is long and bogged down with details about clothes. Is it important that their collars lay flat and their cuffs are exposed? I think "crisp black suits" gives me a good image of these people and the rest is not needed.

Overall, I really liked it and found it intriguing.

You do a good job of hinting at, without overly explaining, your future world; enough to intrigue. Note, however, that by putting your world upfront, you are raising expectations that you will explain, as part of the story, something about how things came to be this way. I think my main concern for this style of opening is that the story that ends up being told is not the story that is initially "promised".