quote:I sensed the wind rustling the leaves high above. I felt the flow of sap slowing as the weather cooled. The long, slow life cycle of the tree filled my consciousness. Through the roots and the soil, I could feel the other trees, stretching out across the forest. Only sometimes did my mind pull free and become aware of me as something separate from the tree. That was a recent development and never lasted long. Locked in this wooden womb, what else was there to be conscious of? How long had I lain curled in here? How many cycles of the seasons? The rings around me said many. Hundreds. How much longer would I remain here? Pain, cutting off that flow of life along one side. The stabbing agony repeated again and again. There was no refuge in
New Version:
quote:Wind rustled the leaves high above. I felt the flow of sap slowing now as the weather cooled. The long, slow life cycle of the tree filled my consciousness. Through the roots and the soil, I could feel the other trees, stretching out across the forest. Only sometimes did my mind pull free and become aware of anything else. That was a recent development and never lasted long. Locked in this wooden womb, what else was there to be conscious of? How long had I lain curled in here? How many spinnings of the earth? How many cycles around the sun? The rings around me said many. Hundreds. How much longer would I remain here? Pain, cutting off that flow of life along one side. The stabbing agony repeated again and again. There was no refuge in
Original Version:
quote:Wind rustled the leaves high above. Energy, converted from the sun, flowed down from those leaves through the sap. Water and nutrients flowed back up from the roots. The long, slow life cycle of the tree filled my consciousness. Only sometimes did my mind pull free and become aware of anything else. That was a recent development and never lasted long. Locked in this wooden womb, what else was there to be conscious of? How long had I lain curled in here? How many spinnings of the earth? How many cycles around the sun? The rings around me said many. Hundreds. How much longer would I remain here? Pain, cutting off that flow of life along one side. The stabbing agony repeated again and again. There was no refuge in the tree’s long, patient awareness, for the pain belonged to the tree.
This is my first attempt to do anything in first person.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 23, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited August 07, 2010).]
posted
I'm guessing that the MC is a dryad or some such creature, and that the tree is now being cut down.
"That was a recent development..." didn't feel right.
The descriptoin is adequate but lacks something to make me really feel the MC's in-tree existence. Wind, leaves, sun, sap, nutrients... it almost feels like a biology lesson, not a story. First person is about immersion in and with a character so arguably it benefits from a distinctive or lyrical voice. I don't get that feeling here.
quote:I'm guessing that the MC is a dryad or some such creature, and that the tree is now being cut down. "That was a recent development..." didn't feel right.
Nope. I rejected the wood nymph idea as too pat and trite. What she is is a bit more complicated than that.
quote:The descriptoin is adequate but lacks something to make me really feel the MC's in-tree existence. Wind, leaves, sun, sap, nutrients... it almost feels like a biology lesson, not a story. First person is about immersion in and with a character so arguably it benefits from a distinctive or lyrical voice. I don't get that feeling here.
Hmm. Well that maybe could be fixed by changing a few words, here and there. Nutrients, in particular. But at the moment, her consciousness and the tree's are very much mixed together. She's not, yet, aware of herself as separate from the tree. Soon.
posted
I like the concept. It starts a little slow - maybe too much description of her current state. It also threatens to feel like a "waking up" cliche (not that I really care about that, but I see it posted a lot around here.) I think you could get by with fewer words and still get the point across:
quote:Wind rustled the leaves high above. The flow of sap slowed as the weather cooled. The long, life-cycle of the tree filled my consciousness. I could feel the other trees, stretching out across the forest. Locked in this wooden womb, what else was there to be conscious of? How long had I lain curled in here? I was wrapped in hundreds of rings. How much longer would I remain here? Pain, cutting off that flow of life along one side. The stabbing agony repeated again and again. There was no refuge in
The only other thing that bothers me is the references to time by using "How many spinnings of the earth? How many cycles around the sun?"; neither of these feels appropriate for an earth/tree-bound being in a probably low-tech state. How would they be aware of the planetary layout and orbits? I'd stick with seasons and moons if you want to use something.
quote:How many spinnings of the earth? How many cycles around the sun? The rings around me said many. Hundreds.
This makes me think that, rather than a dryad or some kind of tree creature, this character is human with a basic knowledge of astronomy that somehow managed to get trapped inside this tree. I was actually thinking something along the lines of Merlin, until you mentioned the character is a "she."
I like the new version you posted, I think you handle the first person POV well, and I would definitely keep reading.
posted
The 2nd version is an improvement, but I still find "How many spinnings of the earth? How many cycles around the sun?" to be inconsistent with a tree-bound creature, and would cut them.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I'm still new at this Meredith so bare with me.
I'm not sure if you need the comma between trees and stretching? It feels when I read it that it could be a whole sentence with no pause? but not sure.
quote:Only sometimes did my mind pull free and become aware of me as something separate from the tree.
This line and the ones after feel a little awkward and I think maybe need to be revised some. Little thoughts, feel free to laugh.
Rarely did my mind pull free and I--Aware, that I was something separate from the tree. It was a recent development that never seemed to last long.
How long (have?)I lain curled (within?) here? How many seasons have passed? How many rings have grown? Maybe hundreds? Thousand? How much longer would I remain--locked (within?) this wooden womb?
I'm not saying use this I'm just trying to show a flow to the structure that felt missing.
I really like where you're going with the visual of this M. You did lose me completely on the last line though. It jumped to something?
posted
If you send this, I'll read it. Currently, I'm thinking the intro drags too long because you're trying to make us understand a truly alien creature and I have no reason to care.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I'd start the story with the cutting of the tree. Until then it's not catching my interest. You can add that other stuff above it later once you've given me a reason to care about it.
Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2010
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