posted
Pritchman didn’t believe in the old powers. He approached Madam Zarrilla’s consultation room, determined to prove her a fraud. “Come in,” Zarrilla said. Her voice was deep and her words drawn out. A High-Burston dialect, Pritchman thought. She was a long way from home, both in distance and standing. Yet, when he pushed through the curtains, he entered a room fit to grace any High-town mansion. Grape-purple drapes covered the walls, splitting over alcoves and extending to a ring at the ceiling. Jewel-encrusted ornaments filled the shelves and cupped tapers burned red at the tips. A tendril of smoke found its way to the back of Pritchman’s nose, greeting him with an intoxicating scent that stank of illegality. The disguised scar on his palm itched where his law brand should be. Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Right now it feels like the MC is trying to discredit a fortune teller. What I'm not getting is that it's anything bigger than that or why it might be utterly important to the MC. It's good that you put some conflict up front but then it just goes on with some description that's not terribly unique for the setting. Essentially, the story doesn't feel significant. It feels sort of, 'eh'.
Consider getting the reason the MC wants to discredit her into this opening. Knowing his goal and what will put him at odds with her will only increase the tension and draw readers into the story to see how it happens. And if you're going to spend a lot of time on description, make it rich and intense and specific to your world.
posted
I agree with Genevive. I think the description is well-written, but there's too much of it, which gives a sense of unbalance to the first 13. Cut back on the description (but don't get rid of it entirely) and give us more of his character and motivation.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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--The way you word the first sentence gives me the impression that the 'old powers' must really exist. Is this right? The reason I say this is that you refer to the old powers so matter-of-factly.
--Pritchman seems very intent on revealing Zarrilla to be a fraud, as you tell us. I wonder if there is a way you could show us his intent instead of just telling us.
--Since I don't know what a High-Burston dialect is, I don't know if it's surprising that she has a mansion-like room or not.
--I like your descriptive imagery in the second half of the paragraph. "Grape-purple" is much more evocative than just purple.
posted
As has been said, good description, but too much of it, and it's obscuring why I should be interested.
The first sentence (and working title) at least give me a feel for where you're taking us.
I am intrigued by the last line ("The disguised scar on his palm itched where his law brand should be."), and, not knowing what a law brand is, am wondering if he's a cop (or an ex-cop) concealing his nature, or a con doing the same. I would probably read on to find out more.
I like this quite a bit and would read on. It seems like the MC will find a stronger than expected opponent, and there's a nice hook with the hidden branding of the lawman's hand.
Minor nit: I'm not sure if "High-town' should be capped.
posted
I respectfully disagree with my colleagues. I don't think your descriptions are too much but rather your opening paragraph lacks the vivid flavor of your second paragraph.
quote:Pritchman didn’t believe in the old powers. He approached Madam Zarrilla’s consultation room, determined to prove her a fraud.
If want to hook the reader with your colorful words, you need to do it in teh first paragraph. In other words, you'll need to be consistent. I am thinking you need a minimum of one sentence between your first and second. Why didn't Pritchman believe in 'old powers'? What is it and how does it differ with 'new' powers? What is he thinking and/or feeling before he walks in? What does he see? How'd he get there? Is the house creepy? All these questions don't need to be answered but the opening that you started with leaves too many questions. It lacks a reason for me to care, be concerned, care, whatever you call it. First paragraph lacks the hook to carry me into the second.
So, it needs more, not less.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 22, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 22, 2010).]
posted
You've received plenty of good comments already, so I will just add two small nit-picky points. First of all, the open two sentences imply a strong causal relation, but one that requires a bit of a jump for the reader. "Pritchman didn’t believe in the old powers. He approached Madam Zarrilla’s consultation room, determined to prove her a fraud." This suggests that Pritchman thinks that Madam Zarrilla claims her ability is based on the "old powers." If you draw this out more explicitly you could also add a better sense of motive for Pritchman. He seems not to be happy with not believing, he wants to actively disprove others as well. There is a great deal that connects these sentences, and it all seems like it should be present and not left to subtext.
Secondly, the last line "The disguised scar on his palm itched where his law brand should be." This is the second major revelation in the first thirteen in terms of potential conflict and Pritchman's back-story. As is, it reads a little awkwardly. Not know what comes next, all I can say is that this feels like it should be central to the hook and not lost in the stream of description.
quote:Secondly, the last line "The disguised scar on his palm itched where his law brand should be." This is the second major revelation in the first thirteen in terms of potential conflict and Pritchman's back-story. As is, it reads a little awkwardly. Not know what comes next, all I can say is that this feels like it should be central to the hook and not lost in the stream of description.
This leads me to believe that his scar was forcedly removed from him, possibly by his peers or order. Did it have anything to do with these 'Old Power' people? Is this why he wants to discredit Madam Zarrilla?
IMO, I can see that as being his motive to discredit those like her, and could possibly be outlined in the first paragraph.
BTW, I think you have very good descriptive talents.
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