The Water Road
Rusty took a long swig of his second beer. It was his fifth straight sweaty evening of sitting on the riverbank, smacking at mosquitoes, and hoping to glimpse the black horse emerging from the water. He debated whether it was worth staying longer. He'd only brought the two beers.

But, as with the first time he saw the horse, he was avoiding going home. His jobless brother had moved in with Rusty, who looked forward to arguing the finer points of NASCAR.

Instead, Daryl brought along pregnant girlfriend Alice and her turd of a chihuahua Mr. Potato Head. Both were shrill and unpleasant. For months, Rusty spent most of his evenings fishing and drinking beer or going to the Red Dog to shoot pool.

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The Water Road
Rusty took a long swig of his second beer. It was his fifth straight sweaty evening of sitting on the riverbank, smacking at mosquitoes, and hoping to glimpse the black horse emerging from the water. He debated whether it was worth staying longer. He'd only brought the two beers.

But, as with the first time he saw the horse, he was avoiding going home. His jobless brother had moved in with Rusty, who looked forward to arguing the finer points of NASCAR.

Instead, Daryl brought along pregnant girlfriend Alice and her turd of a chihuahua Mr. Potato Head. Both were shrill and unpleasant. For months, Rusty spent most of his evenings fishing and drinking beer or going to the Red Dog to shoot pool.

The strangeness a few nights ago of the horse erupting from the calm river's surface had broken that comfortable sameness.

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Sometimes we get stuck on a scene, especially when it's the first one, but at the same time we need to just stop even if it's not perfect and go one. I say that but I've spent hours trying to get a first sentence to say what I want it to say in a way it may make an editor read the rest of it.

Can't use a had, was or an -ing word, makes it sound too passive. I've noticed in published stories that shorter is usually better. I know what I want to say but it's not coming out right. Most writers will say just put something down and redo it, if need be on the revision. But it's easy to get obsessive about it. Not that I spend the time at one sitting. It might be half and hour a day for four days. Sometimes I never get it right other times I remember one pro who says just write the thing the way you want it and forget rules. I don't know if any of that helps you go forward but as I said sometimes we just need to go forward.

Anyway, to your story. Not sure if two numbers are good that close. Second and fifth. The second sentence is a little complex for my tastes. Usually the simpler is better. And from what I'm told it might be better to place the black horse in sooner.

In the sentence about the brother arguing the finer points of NASCAR, it's not sure who is doing the arguing. And the paragraph were Daryl brought along his girlfriend and where Rusty spent his evenings needs a couple of tenses. Here you would have to use had since it already happened.

Finally the last sentence is awkward. I've written plenty of my own awkward sentences, sometimes it's hard not to but it's best to avoid them in the opening.

That's all I have. Over all it's not as bad as I may have made it sound. The idea is sound. It just needs a little rearranging and tweaking.

The way your story reads to me, as it is now, is that your MC is out there strictly to get away from his brother and his gf.

I suggest putting a more interesting depiction of the scene of this horse and how your MC felt as he saw it emerge, what it did in the water, and where the horse went after that. Did it go back under water? That would be very interesting. That kind of thing would help me believe that's the reason he's been waiting so long to see it again. I would.

Also, what is that comfortable sameness you're writing about? Going to play pool? His brother and gf? The dog named Mr. Potato Head? (I love the name for the dog, btw.)

It sounds like it'll be a good viable story but there's not a single idea or thing to draw my attention to yet.

The tenses and muddled sentences are easy fixes. I'll also work on introducing a little more about the horse (actually a kelpie) on the first page.

Rusty polished off his second beer. The trout weren't biting, but he didn't want to go home yet. Daryl and Angie routinely started with nitpicking as an appetizer and fighting as a main course. But, Rusty had planned poorly. He'd only brought the two beers.

A heron landed on a rock in the center of the river, interrupting Rusty's indecision. He fished his camera from his vest pocket, fiddled with the zoom and shot the bird silhouetted against the sunset. Cool. That one was a keeper.

Rusty polished off his second beer. The trout weren't biting, but he didn't want to go home yet. His brother Daryl and Angie routinely started nitpicking as an appetizer and fighting as a main course, ending only in time for the lottery numbers at 10:59. But, Rusty had planned poorly. He'd only brought the two beers.

A heron landed on a rock in the river, interrupting Rusty's indecision. He fished out his camera, fiddled with the zoom and shot the bird silhouetted against the sunset. Cool. That one was a keeper.

Readying for another photo, Rusty saw the river roil on the tiny, bright screen. The heron gave a squawk and flapped into the sky. Rusty focused on a black and shapeless mass appearing

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But, Rusty had planned poorly.

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This somehow doesn't seem to fit the tone of the previous words. Maybe changing it, IMO, to something like this would help.

But Rusty hadn't planned that far ahead.

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Rusty polished off his second beer. The trout weren't biting, but he didn't want to go home yet. His brother Daryl and Angie routinely started nitpicking as an appetizer and fighting as a main course, ending only in time for the lottery numbers at 10:59. But, Rusty had planned poorly. He'd only brought the two beers.

A heron landed on a rock in the river, interrupting Rusty's indecision. He fished out his camera, fiddled with the zoom and shot the bird silhouetted against the sunset. Cool. That one was a keeper.

Readying for another photo, Rusty saw the river roil on the tiny, bright screen. The heron gave a squawk and flapped into the sky. Rusty focused on a black and shapeless mass appearing

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 23, 2010).]

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Better, it's even more poetic even if a slightly cliche-ish. The phrasing for the brother and friend that is, but that not may not not matter. However that sentence is still a bit long...I think that is. The photography is a nice addition. Especially if he uses the camera later.

Wish you could get to the water horse sooner though since it's very important to the story.

Not sure what else to say about except that it feels better, like the pacing is good.