posted
I usually avoid 1st person stories like the plague, but here it goes anyway: --- They named me Grace, after my grandmother, but that’s the only thing me and Mamaw had in common. She knew how to speak her mind, and without anyone calling her names behind her back because of it. She believed in things. Like if the oldest person at the supper table sneezed on a Sunday, then death was coming. She thought that a one-eared rabbit was a sign of the devil, and she never left a building by a door she didn’t enter though. I didn’t believe in things, only people. Mamaw used to tell us she grew up in a place where the curses were uttered in beautiful melodies and people’s hands were nothing to be afraid of. She hugged on me and my little sister, Nina, as often as she could. Her hands squeezed and pressed us as she moved them up and down our backs, her skin wrinkled and loose and smelling like old baby lotion.
[This message has been edited by redapollo9 (edited November 19, 2010).]
posted
Subject matter, I must admit, kept me in this one even though I was turned off a bit at the voice. Also would like to point out that the title seems a bit of a spoiler. This can be overcome, but it better be dang good! First person... I think we need to look at this. It can be told in the first without being told in such a way that it sounds YA. At the risk of sounding gruff. My son read us the latest in the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" series while everyone else crafted tonight and the narration's are very similar in style.
Sounds as thought the narrator is a young person, but is it or is it an adult reflecting? Stronger Voice, Stronger POV, and I think you are on to something good.
Take a look at pronoun usage here. Tally the up. Establish "her" as the paragragh subject and you don't need to rely on them...
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited November 21, 2010).]
posted
I agree that this sounds young. I don't know if it is bad or not, but it does sound young.
Would I read on? If I had nothing better to read. The character is likeable enough, but nothing special. There is no hook, but there isn't anything to make me want to put it down either. Well, maybe the title would stop me.
Your title does seem a little blunt. If I saw that title and read the intro, I might end up passing because I know too much.
posted
thank you for the comments I originally intended the narrator to be ~11 years old but after thinking more about the storyline, I'm probably going to change her age to 15ish. I like the title too much to change it right now, but I'll keep the suggestion in mind and try to incorporate more of a hook into the first 13. I'll admit I kind of focused on writing an intro that would primarily introduce the narrator's name, since I didn't want to potentially go several pages without her name coming up.
[This message has been edited by redapollo9 (edited November 26, 2010).]
posted
I like this set up. The MC can tell the reader a lot about herself by describing her namesake. The line "I didn’t believe in things, only people." pulls us out of the "things about grandma" category and puts us into the "things about me" category. If you are going to make that shift make it in the next paragraph, after you are finished talking about grandmother. You could say the very same thing by saying, "Old Grace believed in things, not people." That way you wouldn't jump back and forth in who you are describing.
Otherwise, well done. - I think you could do a lot with this opening. I really do like the title, because we find out right away that there are two people named Grace, so who knows which one dies in Savannah. Between that and the play on words I think the title is golden.
posted
Either that, (what Stucky said) or move the first sentence of your second paragraph to the beginning of the first one. It seems to fit better that way to me.
I didn't believe in things, only people. They named me Grace, after my grandmother, but that's the only thing me and Mamaw had in common.
JMO.
[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited December 19, 2010).]
posted
The line "I didn't believe in things, only people" really grabbed at my attention. Maybe start off with that? Thumbs up! I dig where it's headed.
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